My Subconscious Fear of Male Sexuality

[PowerPup]

Hi, I’m back on this site after a couple years!

This is all just speculation, but I think that I have a subconscious fear of male sexuality. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with male sexuality, but I still feel as if I do for some reason. So why do I think that this is the case?

1)I identify as male but I have a bit of funny relationship to masculinity. I grew up kinda distant to my dad, so I didn’t really have a male role model to help myself define what masculinity is. Granted, it doesn’t mean much and it’s just a social construct, but I do identify with it. I’ve always seen masculinity as the same thing as toxic masculinity ever since I was a kid, and I wanted to avoid it. This resulted in me having adverse reactions to being called masculine or having my actions described as such. I think that association never really left me, even though I know it’s wrong.

2) I have trouble allowing myself to find people attractive. I’m know I’m not asexual, I’m bi with a preference towards women, but there seems to be a block in my mind that prevents me from seeing people as attractive. I think the reason has something to do with me thinking that it’s morally wrong to be attracted to people(and this problem is especially bad towards women, whom I think I’m more partial to). Once again, this rationally doesn’t make sense, but it still is here. It’s a bit of a problem, because I really want to be able to be attracted to people, but the pesky mental block exists.

3) Whenever I see a man taking a proactive role in a relationship, for some reason I see this as also wrong. This is especially prevalent when it’s a man initiating sex. I get a similar gut reaction when viewing sexual media involving a man, and it’s not fun seeing how I am one. I don’t really watch it much and obviously pornography is not an accurate representation of anything, but that gut reaction is still there.

I think I ignore logic and just don’t allow myself to express my sexuality, and it kinda sucks.

[Emily N]

Hi PowerPup,

Thanks for sharing - it seems like by writing out your thoughts and feelings about this, you’ve given yourself a good opportunity to explore. This article takes a deeper dive into masculinity and self expression: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... linity_and

1) There is no “right” way to express masculinity or sexuality, and you can express masculinity without being toxic. Do you have any people (either in the media or your life) who you look up to when you think about sexuality or masculinity?

2) Do you feel comfortable sharing more about what makes you feel that it’s morally wrong to be attracted to people? It’s normal to see changes in how/how much you find people attractive, but if it’s bothering you, it’s worth addressing

3) Given that men are often portrayed as having to be more assertive and aggressive, particularly in sexual media, it’s reasonable that your first instinct is to question whether the man’s actions are harmful to his partner or himself. This isn’t to say that a man shouldn’t ever initiate things! But I think you’re right that it’s important to check in when anyone initiates that it is without coercion or expectations.

Are there any things that come to mind when you think about expressing your sexuality that feel blocked right now? (Clothes, music, other?)

[PowerPup]

Ok, sorry about taking months to reply back, it’s just that it took me months to process and understand. I’m in a much better place with it now, after sitting on both my feelings and the knowledge of my biases/experiences. Rationally, I knew that it stemmed from me internalizing outdated gender norms, it’s just that it took me time for the fact to really stick into my head. I feel a lot more free to both acknowledge and reject the negative thoughts, and feel more comfortable as myself.

Thank you so much for the article and the help. I love this site, and I love everyone on this site!

[Emily N]

Hey PowerPup! No need to apologize, we are here whenever you want to write in! I’m glad you have been able to process a lot of your feelings and that you are in a better place. Sometimes taking time to process is the most helpful, even if it can be really uncomfortable to sit with some of those feelings for a while. And it’s okay if we have to process things all over again later if something new comes up. You are welcome to post again if you have any more questions or thoughts