Scarleteen

Hi I have a couple of questions about sharing sex toys. And one about having sex with someone for the first time (first time with them specifically, not first time ever with anyone). I hope it's OK to ask more than one question, in one post?


Me and the person I'm dating are planning to have sex for the first time in a few weeks, when we are able to meet up. As part of this we will be sharing sex toys. I have heard that if you share sex toys you should use condoms. I have 2 questions about that:

1. I assume the answer to this is definitely yes but just thought I'd check. We both got tested for HIV, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhoea last month and all results were negative. We do both have sex with other people, but not any new people since the tests. Do we still need to / should we still use condoms for sharing sex toys? I assume yes but thought I'd check.

2. I have heard that silicone-based lube can damage silicone sex toys because the silicone in both sort of bond with each other. Some stuff I've read says this isn't really true, but some stuff says it definitely is. So I'm not sure what to think. My problem is that I have looked at basically all of the types of condoms I can find to buy, and all of them have (small amounts?) of silicone-based lube in/on them. Will it damage our toys? If yes, do you know a brand/type of condom that don't have silicone-based lube please?



My other question is more general, just about the meeting up with them. We met on a dating app a few months ago, done a lot of Skype and stuff but the few weeks from now when we meet up for sex, will be the first time we meet in person and the first time we have sex with each other. So:

3. My question is just sort of...we've kind of run through the stuff we can think of to make the meetup good and safe etc, but I'm just wondering if there's anything we haven't thought of, that you would advise when meeting someone, in person for the first time, for sex?

The stuff we've already thought of/done is the following.

• - We are both fully vaccinated and it's legal/ok (COVID-wise) to meet in this way where we live. We've discussed what covid safety measures we want to take to both feel safe and comfortable.
  - As I mentioned we both tested negative for HIV, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhoea last month. Those are the only tests that are offered free locally.
  - As we've not met in person before, we've both told someone about the meetup, where we're going etc so someone knows where we are and when we're meeting in case there is a problem.
  - We've talked, a lot, about sexual yeses and nos, potential issues, what we're into and what we're not, what we might do and what we're definitely not gonna do (sexually), stuff we might do later but that is off the table for our first time, general safer sex concerns (condoms, both got tested, no risk of pregnancy as we're both AFAB), and yea just generally our expectations and wishes and so on.
  - We've both been very clear with each other that although we're meeting up intending to have sex, if one or both of us isn't in the mood / doesn't want to at the time, we'll just hang out socially, neither of us will pressure the other for sex.
  - We feel very comfortable with each other and feel we're on the same page about what we're doing / intending to do and both feel safe on all these points (covid, safer sex, sexual boundaries, etc etc).

I feel like we've been pretty thorough but just wanted to add this question in, in case there is stuff that we've not thought of that it would be good to do.

Hey ebbyebby! Multiple questions in one thread is totally okay - we're happy to answer! Hopefully this gives you some insight, I have a feeling others will chime in as well --

Question #1 - I think you're on the right track here! It would be best practice to use condoms on the toys you plan to use, even if you both have tested negative for those STIs. Using a condom will prevent naturally-occurring bacteria that can cause infections from being transmitted through toy sharing. Condoms will also help prevent transmitting bacteria from one orifice to another. I recommend changing the condom any time something switches up - if the toy is switching bodies, or switching from genital, anal, or oral use. If you're going to use latex condoms, opt for a lube that is not oil based because it may weaken the latex you're using as a protective barrier.

Speaking of lube...

Question #2 - It's my understanding that silicone and oil-based lubes will gradually damage your silicone toys, but I'm not sure what amount is enough to cause noticeable damage. One possible solution for the condom debacle here is getting unlubricated condoms, like the Trojan ENZ. Buying an unlubricated condom will give you the freedom to use whatever kind of lube you like. Water-based sounds like a good option if you're avoiding silicone and oil, but it is worth noting that those contain the ingredient glycerin which may cause an issue if a partner is prone to getting yeast infections. Here's the Scarleteen guide on lube if you need some more information about the differences between varieties and what may work best for you.

Question #3- Wow, you and your partner have prepared extensively! I think this list looks great, and it's clear to me that you and your partner take safety seriously on a number of levels. If I were to add anything, it would be:
- Brushing up on active consent - especially since this is a new partner who may communicate differently than other partners you've had
- Planning a way to get home - if you meet up and want to leave for whatever reason, make sure you have a reliable way home or a place to stay
- Remember that even if you two have spent a lot of time to plan meeting up this thoroughly, you are still allowed to opt out of anything you don't want to do

Hi!

#1 - ok, thanks!

#2 - this was so helpful, thank you. I hadn't been looking specifically for unlubricated condoms, cause I didn't know that was a thing. I have now found and bought some. Re lube, I hadn't heard that before about glycerin. I had a look at the ingredients list for the lube I currently use (it's called Yes WB and it's great) and it is free of glycerin! The lube guide you linked has some interesting stuff, thank you.

#3 - thanks for these. In particular, we've not discussed leaving/way home/place to stay at all, which, now you've said it, feels like a big oversight! Thank you. We'll probably have a read-through of the active consent article together.

Awesome! I'm so happy this was helpful for you! I think reading through the consent article together is a great idea. It's long, but I think it runs through a lot of different tips and scenarios that are all super insightful. We're here if you have any more questions or want chat anything else through before or after your meet up!