Feeling guilty about wanting to break up

[futurefaeking]

I really like my partner, and they haven't done anything wrong, but I want to leave anyway. We got together at the beginning of the pandemic and spent the first 6 months of our relationship essentially long-distance (even though we live near each other) because I'm high-risk and didn't want to get sick. They've been nothing but lovely to me but I've been going through some stuff emotionally/mentally lately and I don't know if I can be in a proper relationship when I'm still trying to fix myself. That on top of an imminent sexuality crisis (thought I was ace, but now I'm not so sure) has made being around them incredibly stressful because I feel like I have to put on a front or pretend to be happy when I'm not. Our one year anniversary is tomorrow and I'm just dreading going to dinner with them because I know they're going to be excited and I can't muster the same energy. I had a breakdown the other day trying to get them an anniversary gift because I chickened out with my big idea and what i got felt really inadequate and like I was going to let them down. I know that being in a relationship right now isn't doing my mental health any favors, but I feel really guilty about wanting to break up because I don't have any good reason except for my own issues, and I know it's really going to hurt them. I also feel guilty over looking forward to a couple years from now when I'm living in a more progressive area and able to find someone who really gets me. It feels a little bit like we ended up dating because we were good friends and two of the only trans kids in our town, and I'm really not happy with them anymore even though they haven't done anything wrong. I don't know how to get past this or how to tell them, because I really do care about them, just not in the way I'm supposed to.

tldr; due to a variety of personal issues & revelations, i've fallen out of love with my partner of a year and not sure what to do

[vambrace]

I'm really sorry to hear you're dealing with this - I haven't experienced this directly, but I've been there for friends who have, and so hopefully I can try to give some reassurance?

Honestly, literally any reason for breaking up is a good enough reason. Nobody is entitled to being in a romantic relationship with you, not even the partner you're already with. Sometimes we just don't work out with people we would like to, and it definitely sucks and hurts, but it's not frivolous or bad. That being said, not having that feeling towards them or being happy with them anymore is 100% a great reason on its own. You deserve to be happy. You shouldn't have to push yourself to feel things you don't. And ultimately, if you choose to break up with them in the future, or if they pick up on the fact that you're faking your emotions/excitement towards them, you risk a lot more hurt to you both by dragging it out.

I'm really sorry that this is going to hurt at first, and I do think that's a reasonable concern, but it's a little bit of immediate pain to save you a lot of anguish, and to set them on the path to moving on in their own way. I think breaking up - kindly, explaining your reasons like you did here, that a relationship just isn't right for you right now, and you don't think you're as well-matched as you did at the start of the relationship - is probably the best thing you can do for the both of you, and you don't need to feel guilty about doing so.

[Carly]

Hi futurefaeking,

I believe you got some assistance with this situation via our SMS chat (and vambrace offered some great peer support!), but I wanted to also offer a few things here. I noticed you said you said didn't have "any good reason except for my own issues" - your feelings are a good reason. You don't need to wait for someone to do something "worthy" of a break up, especially if you know you're not happy. You seem to have a very clear understanding of what you want and what you aren't getting from this relationship. From your post, it sounds like you really care about your partner but that will not sustain a happy, healthy relationship unless you're present emotionally.

A few days have passed since the anniversary date and when you reached out - how did it go? Do you want to talk through anything else?

[futurefaeking]

Our anniversary was fine, I guess. I think they might be feeling the same way as me because they seemed really off and distant. I’m hoping that’s the case because I’m going over to their place today and planning to break up with them. I’m just gonna try to be up front about how my various crises are making me feel like I’m not being as good to them as I should and I don’t think I’m happy anymore. And after that I’m pretty sure I’ll go home and watch lots of cheesy teen TV and make several batches of cookies.

[Sam W]

That sounds like the best approach to a sucky situation (and like you have some good plans for taking care of yourself after the conversation). Breaking up, rather than dragging out a dying relationship, is in many ways the kindest thing you can do for both yourself and your partner.