What happened? Feel so guilty

[C91]

Hi- (I think) I was assaulted a couple months ago and have been a mess ever since…. Mainly I feel like maybe I’m just overreacting and it’s not what I think and I am partly at fault for participating. Here’s what happened ….
I went on a date with a guy and we just went to a park and sat by a pond to talk after a walk- he started kissing me which I was ok with but then he kept going and fingered me. I told him I was uncomfortable doing that in public and he kept going and then pulled his penis out and put my hand on it to give him a handjob… and I didn’t know what to do and just went along with it …I stopped again and said I was uncomfortable doing this out here and he just said it’s fine no one can see us…he then started to push my head down and at first I resisted but he did it again and made me give him oral and ended up ejaculating in my mouth… after all that he acted like nothing happened and walked me to my car… I think I was just in shock and didn’t say a word…..is that assault even if I kind of participated? I feel like maybe I gave him the wrong idea or something…. I feel like I’m overreacting calling it assault but was it? One of my friends said it’s actually rape? I just don’t even know how I let it all happen

[Urna]

Hi C91,

Welcome to Scarleteen, and thank you for messaging us about this. First off, I'm so very sorry that you went through what sounds like an extremely distressing situation. Secondly, I want you to know that you are in no way overreacting by calling it assault or even rape. What happened to you happened without your consent, you were forced into it by the guy, even if you didn't "make a scene" and felt like you had to go along with it. The fact that the guy didn't listen to you when you said you were uncomfortable, when you kept stopping, and even when you resisted--he forced you into a number of sexual acts, and that's what makes it rape. I think this article will help you come to terms with what happened to you.

Above all, you have no reason to feel guilty about "letting it happen". Quoting from the article: "No matter what ANYONE tells you, it is never your fault if you have been or are sexually assaulted or abused. All fault lies with the rapist, not the victim. It is that person who chose to do what they did to you; it is that person who is responsible for their actions. No one asks to be raped: no one asks for rape. If and when someone is asking for sex, and what they ask for is what is done, we're not talking about rape, but about mutually wanted sex." You did NOT let it happen.

Does that help, even a little bit? Please let me know, and please take care of yourself. Your friend who said it was rape is absolutely right, and they seem to have validated what happened to you. Do you feel comfortable returning to them for support?

[C91]

Yea, thank you for validating how I’m feeling… i think it helps to get an “outsiders” perspective instead of someone who I know will always support me… the friend who told me it’s tape is my best friend and she’s been very supportive through all of this but I didn’t know if maybe she just felt obligated to be “on my side”. I wasn’t sure what exactly forced oral sex was considered, if anything really, and I felt like I was overreacting by calling it assault, but I guess it really is rape/sexual assault.

Thank you for your input

[Urna]

You're welcome C91, thanks for trusting us with this. I understand your worry that your friend could've just said it was rape to support you, but honestly, the people who love us no matter what are usually the people who can most quickly recognize when we're being harmed, and who are the first to speak up about it, because they care about us. I'm glad that for the outsider's perspective, you approached a feminist sex education website like us, where rape and assault are recognized for what they are.

Here are a couple of other articles that you may find useful in the months ahead, as you start to heal. The one I linked in the previous post is also pretty great if you want support right now. Linking it again for your convenience, in case you hadn't already read it.

Please don't hesitate to continue this conversation if you want to, or to ask us something else. Take care.

[C91]

Thank you so much I will definitely check out those articles

[Urna]

great!

[Skygotlost]

Hello, I think I was sexually assaulted when I was nine. For context, I’m 13 now. I know that me saying I was 9 should be an obvious giveaway that I was sexually assaulted since I was underage, but I’m not completely sure if it falls into that category or not. When I was nine, my brother (16-17) asked me to give him a handjob, the reason I’m not completely sure if it counts or not was because I said yes. I wanted to help my brother out, and it wasn’t like I was oblivious to what he meant, unfortunately I learned from a very early age what all that was (thanks to unmonitored internet access). I knew deep inside I didn’t want to do it, but I still said yes because he told me he needed help. Apparently he had “blue balls” at the time (despite my understanding of THAT stuff) I didn’t know what it was, but he explained it to me. So, I decided to help him by giving him the handjob he asked for. During it he asked me if I “preferred it with hair or not” and I just didn’t respond, by then he must’ve realised I was uncomfortable or something because he asked if I wanted to stop and I nodded. After the whole thing was over I went to the bathroom and washed my hands until I lost count. This brother also asked me and my other sibling (11 yr old brother) to go skinny dipping with him in our pool, and eventually convinced me to do it even though I didn’t want to. I can’t remember either events very well which is why I don’t know if it really was assault of some kind or not, plus it’s not like he ever touched me or anything, so I can’t tell if I’m just looking too deep into it because I didn’t like it or not.

(And no, I have not told anyone in my family about this yet)

[Latha]

Hi there, Skygotlost- welcome to the boards! I know that this can be a difficult topic, so I'm glad you feel comfortable talking about it here.

I see why you're wondering whether this can be considered assault. After all, you knew what you were doing, and you said yes. But consent has to be complete and informed. It involves more than just understanding what an act is. You also need to understand the implications of doing something. You need to understand your own needs, and know what doing something will mean for you. At nine years old, you were too young to give informed consent, especially to your older brother, whom you wanted to help. At his age, your brother should have known better.

As I see it, you can consider this to be assault. Regardless of whether you do, it does not change the fact that you deserve support for this and that you haven't done anything wrong.

How does this make you feel?

P.S. I want to mention that you've posted on another person's thread here. Don't worry, it is not bad. Just remember that, unless you're responding to someone else's post, you can make a new thread next time.