Scarleteen

Hi.

I'm in 10th grade in high school, and I'm ready to start exploring relationships with people my age. But it seems like everyone I've gotten close to is so serious, looking for a long-time partner, even though we're in high school. So I ghost them or back off, and it always makes me feel bad.

I have a really weird relationship with romance and I'm mostly looking for practice, as well as fun. But everybody else is so emotionally invested.

How can I find someone with similar interests? Maybe places online I can meet people my age that are like me, just to get used to relationships? Anybody have tips on casual relationships???

Hi ez.as.pie,

In terms of general advice for casual relationships, this article is a great starting point: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex.

With your specific situation, are you able to be up front from the start about the fact you're looking for something casual? Or do you feel like that conversation only happens once you (and maybe the other person) are invested in the relationship? Too, can you say a bit more about what you mean when you talk about looking for practice?

I suppose I feel a bit awkward stating what I want at the start, in case the other person doesn't see me in the same way and I make a friendship awkward. That conversation always happens after things end up getting deeper, but that's the problem. I don't know when it too early and when is too late.

And for practice, I mean more sexual practice as well as just general relationship practice. Nothing serious, maybe a few dates, learn how to flirt, all of those things. Plus, virginity to me doesn't have a lot of meaning and I kind of want to get it out of the way. Stuff like that.

Thank you for the article by the way!

Hello ez.as.pie!

In the interest of honesty and maintaining others' boundaries as well as your own, it's important to state right at the beginning (that is, when romance/sexual attraction starts slipping into the friendship, but no promises have been made and no expectations have been aired) what you're looking for. Anyone who wants to get into casual sex and keep it healthy and respectful is obligated to do this, no matter how awkward it gets. Potential partners deserve to know what they're getting into, and they also have a right to state in no uncertain terms whether they're looking for the same thing as you or not. Some friendships may die because of the awkwardness, but as long as you stay honest about your intentions and respectful of their boundaries (and their feelings), most people will treat you the same way.

To answer your question, it's "too late" to lay your cards on the table without causing damage when your partner has already aired their expectations of the relationship, and you've pretended that you share those expectations instead of telling them plainly that you want other things out of the relationship. The two of you may have made certain (spoken or unspoken) promises to each other too, e.g. to be exclusive, to be committed to each other long-term, etc. That's when it's too late to make a clean break. So like I said, tell them what you're into and what you're not into right when either or both of you start thinking about acting on your mutual attraction.

Ah thank you!!!!

By the way, I felt a lot like this, especially in my junior and senior year, the gap year I took and then my first semester or so of college. I also felt that way before then, but something serious came my way when I was fifteen that I did get invested in deeply and then really threw me for a loop.

Times have changed, for sure -- that was the early to mid 1908s -- but not that much, so if you want to talk to someone who's been in this spot for empathy or to brainstorm approaches to dealing with peers and this kind of dating when the tide feels like it's so the other way, happy to do that anytime, just give a shout.