Masturbation and not doing it right

[blblblbl]

basically, i have a vagina, ive tried to finger myself and use a toy, but it never works out. For context, whenever i touch myself i only rub over my clit until i m good. sometimes i have the urge to shove something inside which is like woa, but whenever i try it it s either uncomfortable, feels like nothing or simply painful.

I don t self lubricate much, or at all idk, i haven t ever been wet like other people are when they get turned on or when they cum (is just stimulating the clit considered cumming?), but i ve read that with lube it should be fine. so i went ahead and got lube, got a toy, and tried to be patient and get to it, first with fingers, but i can barely fit 2 and it hurts and feels veeery tight at the entrance (the actual inside is pretty spacious lol)

so no hope of fitting the toy in, felt painful even with fingers, and i m wondering if it was the lube that was an issue? it was water based and felt like it was drying up quick. it was extremely frustrating and i felt like crying to be honest. i want to get a better one and try for the final time, but until then, what should i do? i have a feeling this particular time it was especially bad because the lube sucked, but even other times when i had ok lube, when i got stuff inside it just... didn t feel like anything.
or it felt good for a bit, then it all went away and i couldn t get the good feeling to come back. (that was my best attempt yet)

i want to be able to do this myself so if i get a lover in the future i don t start crying out of frustration because i can t get anything in me even though i want to :( (also because i want to feel this type of pleasure too, not just what i was doing previously yknow)

[Urna]

Hello blblblbl, and welcome to Scarleteen!

I understand the frustration you've been feeling about not getting much pleasure out of masturbation. The first thing I want to alert you to is that sexual pleasure (and orgasm) are super dependent on your emotional state and mental relaxation, rather than just physical stimulation. It sounds like the frustration you're experiencing (to the extent of feeling like crying) may be killing your chances of making masturbation feel good. Masturbation is not a race, or a competition, or even a guarantee that you'll "achieve" orgasm (I've always hated that wording. And no, stimulating the clit is not considered cumming). It's important to approach touching yourself sexually on its own terms, something that this article delves into: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A User's Guide. You could also switch up the ambiance of the room a little bit, maybe, by adding elements like relaxing/sexy music, incense or candles, different lighting, etc.?

While it's totally fine for you to keep slowly and steadily trying to penetrate yourself (as long as it doesn't hurt or add to your frustration, give yourself time!) I think you'd have a better time of it, at least for the moment, if you tried other masturbation techniques. And re toys, I think something along the lines of a vibrator might suit you better than something meant simply for penetration, like a dildo. Here's some DIY alternatives as well.

I think it's important to listen to your body. Different things feel pleasurable to different people, and that's something to embrace. As for the worry that penetration with a future lover might be an issue: penetration isn't the only way to have sex, especially not if it hurts and doesn't feel particularly sexy when it's happening. I think it's problematic that penetration is made out to be a mountain to climb, when it doesn't necessarily feel good (or at least not consistently good) to a lot of people with vaginas. But you've said that you often feel the "urge to shove something inside", which I suppose is a good indicator that you should continue making penetration an element of your masturbation sessions. Just take care that it isn't the Main Element of your sessions, at least for now. Exploring other things may make masturbation a more fruitful experience!

[blblblbl]

thank you for the quick reply ^^ i really appreciate it.

i was thinking that maybe my mental state would contribute to why i m not feeling it... i don t really know what to do about that though. i don t know how it s supposed to feel when i m turned on and 'ready' for trying to penetrate myself, and even if it happens, it probably wouldn t happen at a time im home alone. when i tried it, i thought i was relaxed enough. can t say i was turned on, but i thought i could just... get my body to turn on lol. it s frustrating i can t control when and if it happens, but i have a feeling it s unreasonable to expect that pfft

i ll probably wait till i have a lover to try any more sexual stuff if they want to, (it'll help with the turning on part im pretty sure) but until then, i ll look at the articles you ve given me. also gonna make one final attempt with better lube till i leave it for the foreseeable future. not giving up juuust yet :PP

again, thank you for the reply. it feels frustrating and like something is wrong with me when it doesn t work out like it does for other people, and talking here helped. have a nice day ^^

[Elise]

Hi blblblbl, I hear you, it can be really frustrating when you feel like you've done everything "right" to relax and it still doesn't go as you hope. Sometimes that is because the pressure that we put on ourselves to get it right adds stress! So, to echo boosterseat, remember you can give yourself time and patience and go step by step in what you try and how you try it, rather trying to get it all in one go.

Also, a quick note on lube: if you're using a silicone toy, it is important to not use silicone-based lube, as it can damage the toy. If you'd like to learn more about the different kinds of lube - you can check out our article here: Lube 101: A Slick Little Primer.

[blblblbl]

i did hear of that around places. luckily the toy i have is rubber not silicone (i had to go to the store page to check, it s my first toy so i wouldnt know the difference between rubber and silicone lol).

thank you too for the reply :3

[Urna]

Great, good luck blblbl!