I can only get off to some niche fetishes, but I also wanna be able to get off to vanilla stuff

[vhsdam]

I (17M) have been masturbating for 4, maybe 5 years now, except that the stuff that I've been masturbating to isn't vanilla. I'm into some very niche fetishes which many would find gross, and it's really the only kind of porn that I've watched and managed to get myself off to. I'm not really ashamed of them at all and I've come to terms with my own desires, but I've never been able to enjoy normal, vanilla porn at all.

I think vanilla porn is hot. Like, whenever I see two guys getting on with it, I am able to get an erection, but for some reason I'm not able to get past that phase. I get a hard on, but I can't actually get off to and get an orgasm from it, not without thinking about my fetishes.

I didn't think of it much at first, but then I realized that it might have an effect on me later on if I ever get into a relationship. What then? If I can't even get off to vanilla porn, what makes me think that I would be able to get off to vanilla sex for real? What if I can't get off to normal sex? What if I would just end up becoming a disappointment to my future partners? The thought scares me. If I can't even enjoy normal porn, chances are I wouldn't be able to enjoy normal sex either, and I feel like every future relationship I'll have in the future would end in failure as a result.

Don't get me wrong, I like the things I'm into, and I don't plan on getting rid of them, but I do wish I'm able to turn them down a notch so I can enjoy other stuff too. The thing is, despite the fact that I can't get off to it, the idea of normal, vanilla sex is incredibly enticing to me, and I find it incredibly romantic. I really really do wanna be able to enjoy it.

What should I do? Is there a way for me to be able to make my brain like vanilla stuff? Maybe I just desensitized myself too much with extreme porn? Maybe I just need a loving partner for me to enjoy vanilla sex? I would really appreciate some advice.

[Sam W]

Hi vhsdam,

I think right now it might be helpful to focus on exploring the spectrum of fantasies and sexual media that are out there, rather than on the "what ifs" of how you preferences might interact with a partner down the line. That's one of those things where there are just so many variables that trying to predict it is likely to be unproductive and stress you out.

So, with that in mind, there are a few different things I think you could try. One would be to think if there are specific elements or dynamics in your kinks that really arouse you that might carry over into other kinds of "tamer" sexual media. Another might be to take a break from the more intense stuff while also more concertedly exploring the the "vanilla" stuff that interests you. Do those options sound doable?

[vhsdam]

Hello, thanks for replying.

I have definitely been trying to broaden my horizons, trying out different forms of media and trying to get myself off to vanilla. I can manage to get an erection, but I can't really orgasm to it, and so it kinda goes back to my original problem of me not being able to enjoy it, despite me wanting to.

Prior to your message I talked to a few friends of mine. One of them suggested your second point and I'm planning on going cold turkey for a few weeks or months, maybe try to sensitize myself to "tamer" porn or reset my brain or whatever. Hopefully it works, but only time will tell, and I'm impatient.

As for your first point, would it help if I described my fetishes here? As well as what I find enticing in tamer, vanilla sex?

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

You know, something else that might be helpful is to focus less on orgasm and more on overall pleasure when you're exploring different kinds of sexual media. That allows the experience to still be enjoyable and takes some of the pressure off of your brain to reach orgasm.

You don't really have to describe your preferences in detail. What I was suggesting was more about looking at what things you find appealing about more intense sexual media and drilling down to see if there are elements of them other kinds of sexual media. One example might be that, if someone was really into sexual media featuring impact play, they may realize that at least part of what appeals is the dynamic between people in those scenes, and that maybe they can find more "vanilla" sexual media that contains that same dynamic.

[vhsdam]

I don't quite get your first point much. Could you elaborate on it a bit further? Sorry.

As for this though, I suppose it helped. I can definitely make some type of connection between the fetishes I'm into and vanilla stuff, and it definitely gave me some insight. Even then though, I feel like it's not enough. Maybe I'm just missing some kind of stimulation though, maybe physical, mental, or emotional. Maybe I just haven't given it enough thought and I haven't had a firm grasp on it just yet.

[Mo]

I don't want to put words in Sam's mouth, but I think what she's talking about is that sometimes, when people have orgasm as the ultimate goal of sex or masturbation, the pressure to orgasm can actually make the entire process more stressful and frustrating, plus that kind of pressure or stress makes orgasm more difficult to achieve. It might help to approach masturbation with the goal of feeling pleasure, doing some exploration with different fantasies or techniques, etc. instead of the goal just being reaching orgasm. Does that make sense?

[vhsdam]

Ok, that makes sense. Though I suppose there's only so much pleasure you can derive using your own hand. I'll see what I can do though, but I'm probably still gonna focus my efforts on the whole going cold turkey part.

[Nicole]

Hi vhsdam, definitely give it a try and let us know if you need any other assistance. Also, I know you mentioned that you are planning to go cold turkey but please try to not let that consume you or stress you out. Basically, don’t let your body suffer! Taking a break is fine, but if you do feel aroused, I would just try to incorporate the vanilla media into your masturbation instead of going straight to your usual media. You might end up finding it pleasurable due to the stage of arousal that you’re in. I hope that makes sense.

I do want to include this article that we have that might expand on the previous points that we have made: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide. Let me know if it resonates with you.