No pleasure.

[elise71]

Hello there! I apologize for any mistakes, English is not my first language.

I've got a huge problem and no idea how to solve it.
I literally can not cum during sex or masturbation. I can cum only by using a showerhead or a vibrator and that's it. I've tried touching and fingering myself, and I feel nothing, almost as if I was rubbing my arm. I get super wet, but I don't feel any pleasure from it and it's becoming a HUGE problem.
I've had 3 boyfriends over the years, but I broke up with them because of it. I was turned on and super attracted to all of them, but I just didn't feel any pleasure during sex, it hurt like hell though (every single time).
I met this amazing guy a few weeks ago, we started dating and I'm too afraid to have sex with him because I don't want to disappoint him.
I do have depression and anxiety, I'm having a hard time at getting relaxed, and I think this might be the issue. I'm also very self conscious. Or is there something wrong with me? What do I do?

[Marisha]

Hi elise71,

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this! Let's see if we can help.

I have been a volunteer with Scarleteen for about 4 months, and after just that short time, I would say that painful or unenjoyable sex is in the top 10 of issues that users come to us with the most. So, you're definitely not alone; nothing is "wrong" with you.

You mentioned that you feel depressed, anxious, and self-conscious, and that you have a hard time getting relaxed as a result. If that is the case, I hope you (or your partner) aren't forcing you(rself) to go through with sex even when you feel that you aren't ready. On top of that, since you say that having orgasms isn't the issue (since you're able to do it on your own), I wonder if you haven't tried doing the things you do during those times with your partners?

We have a pretty lengthy article about this topic right here: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse. The article asks the following questions, a few of which I'm also going to go through with you here:

1) Are you current with your sexual healthcare? You haven't indicated anything in your post that tells me that this is likely to be a health issue, but there's still a chance. As the article states:

"Sometimes pain with intercourse or other kinds of sex is due to an infection or other medical issues, and will need diagnosis by a doctor [...]
Painful vaginal entry or intercourse can be due to certain genital infections, as well as because of reproductive health conditions like vaginismus, vulvar vestibulitis, lichen sclerosus, endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease (which usually arises from unidentified and/or untreated STIs) or an imperforate or particularly inflexible corona (hymen). So, before you look for any other culprits, start in the office of a healthcare professional who's well-educated about vulvovaginal pain conditions: it's important to find out if the problem is physical, and if so to get treatment AND to safeguard your sexual and general health."

2) Are you highly aroused well BEFORE any sort of vaginal entry begins? "

Liking our partner, even being crazy in love with them, isn't the same thing as sexual arousal.

The sex may be painful because you aren't properly lubricated or because your vagina isn't ready for penetration!

3) Do you really WANT to be having intercourse/manual sex or any sort of sex?

That might sound silly, but it's important to consider every time you have sex: do you want to have intercourse or other vaginal sex for YOUR pleasure and satisfaction as much as for your partner's? Do you find yourself attempting intercourse or manual sex with a partner when you suspect or know you aren't aroused or interested, maybe because you know it'll get them to stop nagging you or placate them? If so, in a word, do yourself a huge favor and stop with that. You truly don't want to get into that habit or set that precedent.

4) Are you communicating with your partner, and is he or she responding to what you're communicating?

In other words, when you say, go slow, not so deep yet, or grab more of that lubricant, or ow, I think I want more oral sex first, or let's try this position instead, or can you rub my clitoris while you do that ... are they both listening AND following your lead? (Remember, for a partner to do that, you've got to speak up in the first place: body language can give some things away, especially when we're really familiar with a partner and their physical cues, but verbalizing this stuff clearly often does that better and is really vital when either a partner or sex in general is new to either or both people.

What do you think about all that?