Scarleteen

Hello!!

when i was about 12, i first joined fandom online spaces. i was mainly a lurker so i never felt any pressing need to share pronouns or other such information. but as i grew older and more confident, i also grew more social in these spaces. i started a tumblr, joined discord servers, etc.

and as has become the recent case in online spaces, i was asked for my pronouns. but, i was afraid to give away my real ones because i'd been warned of internet safety, heavily, as a child. so i began to use they/them pronouns for my online persona because they were the most 'neutral.'

now, a couple days ago, someone in a server im a part of referred to me by those pronouns and i felt something in me. i don't know what that feeling was, but ive been going back and rereading those 2 messages referring to me with they/them pronouns and feeling a strange, happy little spark.

the problem is though, i am quite sure i am cis. i don't think im nonbinary or trans or generally genderqueer, but i really liked being referred to with they/them pronouns.

i have thought about my gender identity before in the past, before this incident, and i had decided that i was fine with the gender id been assigned at birth and used the pronouns that most people apply to my gender. even now, even with me thinking about using they/them pronouns (alongside my irl pronouns) , i still think of myself as the gender i was assigned at birth.

tldr: im cis, but very much enjoy being referred to as they/them pronouns. is that allowed??

Hi there strawberrysyrup! For pronouns, there are no rules about who can use them and who cannot. In fact, many other cis folks are also comfortable with they/them pronouns, and using them can assist with normalising they/them as a gender neutral option for everyone, and so can be supportive of non-binary, genederqueer, agender and other folks who use them. You can also use multiple sets of pronouns alongside each other/interchangeably as you describe.

One thing to keep mindful of is your relationship to they/them pronouns is likely different to non-cis folks, does that concept make sense? But there is no limited supply of pronouns to go around, so you are not taking away from anyone by using them. That said, do you think you are still comfortable with other pronouns too and you also like these ones? Or do you associate any uncomfortable feelings about the ones that people often assume for your gender?

Hi Elise,

thank you for replying. sorry for taking so long, ive been kind of just stewing over this for a while trying to figure out how to accurately convey my feelings.

I definitely see what you mean about cis people being comfortable with they/them pronouns, and for a long time that was what i felt too (or thought i felt). hypothetically, i didn't mind being referred by they/them pronouns.

i've, also, never had anything against being referred to by the pronouns ive always been referred to by, and even now it still feels right to me. i do still feel very much like a {redacted} and it doesn't bother me being assumed to be that. but, also, now that i think about it, i don't i would very much bothered if people accidentally assumed i was another gender either.

i've never really put much thought into my gender identity because gender was something i felt fairly solid in and had no questions or unanswered feelings as i did when i was questioning my sexuality. but, i still do believe that the gender i was assigned to at birth is what i feel most comfortable as, but as i continue to grow and learn about myself i am unsure what my new label (if one is needed) would be?

i still feel like a {redacted} but as you said, my relationship with they/them pronouns is probably different from what most cis folks feel. so, i guess this is a long way of asking: would i even still be cisgender as i begin to use they/them pronouns more publicly?

(i believe i may have accidentally given myself a gender crisis halfway through writing this :0 )

and again, thank you so much Elise!!

Hi strawberrysyrup,

It sounds like you've been doing a bit of introspection on this lately, which is actually pretty dang neat! In my experience, it's beneficial for cis people to engage in that kind of reflection, even if we end up concluding, "yep, the gender I was assigned at birth feels right" because it contributes to a culture of more flexible and accepting norms around gender.

To answer your question; if you feel you're cis, then using two sets of pronouns publicly doesn't change that. As Elise mentioned, there are other cis people who find they/them are comfortable pronouns for them to use. The one thing I would add is that, if you start using those pronouns publicly, be prepared for some people to ask questions (or make assumptions) about your gender identity; if people have only ever encountered they/them pronouns with nonbinary folks, they may ask if you identify that way. That's not to deter you from doing this, but you may want to think about how you'll respond to those situations ahead of time.

hi Sam!!

yes, i have definitely done a healthy amount of introspection on my gender even before this mini crisis began. i remember reading something to similar to what you're talking about, and thought it should be something i should do as well.

i think i am definitely still cis, or at least that's the label i feel comfortable with right now, and i will probably continue to keep using it. i am worried about what the questions will bring, and i haven't quite thought of answers to those yet, but before i publicly change any statuses i will think of something to those. there are points when i feel that it is a bit pointless to show that i use they/them pronouns because most people will not use them when i so obviously present as one gender, but i am working on both my courage and ability to take it in stride.

thank you so much to the both of you!! this has been very helpful & gratifying for me to read!!