Scarleteen

In a previous post, I talked about personal problems stemming from my want of emotional connection to go with my sexual connection. Today, I really got a follow-up on that.

Backstory real quick, a friend of mine is sort of a matchmaker, and he hooked me (bi 16m, my birthday is in 4 days) with a great girl (pan 15MtF) and we hit it off for a few days. I thought I was finally going to fall in love and have at least a short romantic relationship that would at least prime me for something more serious.

But then, she found my extreme fetish-centered Twitter account. Don't worry, my age is outlined so I'm not baiting or lying to anybody so I can be allowed to interact, but... it was just too much for her. And now there's no chance, at least right now. I mean, it just happened, so I don't really know, but she said we can still be friends, so I'm at the very least thankful for that.

And now I'm left scratching my head. How do I bring this up to a person? Do I tell them upfront "Hey, if you want to date me, I would prefer you to be into/accepting of X kinks" and risk coming off as sex-obsessed and a gross person for saying something about sex first? Can I even risk the potential situation where I make them so uncomfortable their parents get involved (Right now, socially, I feel like people over 18 are just too different from me to consider dating)? I don't want to have a great time and be deep into something with someone and as soon as we're comfy with sex talk they get so repulsed by my extreme kinks that it doesn't work out, like this time. I can't just not tell someone because sex will almost definitely be involved at some point. I know a lot of people think it's too early for me to get into a romantic relationship, but I want to be prepared in case I stumble into another situation like this.

I'm not ashamed of my fetishes. Rather satisfied with myself on that front, actually. I just know how jarring and downright gross they can be to some people, and I wish I knew who would and wouldn't be grossed out when I tell them. I don't want to ruin someone's day or make them upset. Double goes for real life, because then I might face consequences for grossing out someone's child and risk my social life as well. I also don't want my parents to know, so the whole situation's just uggggghhh.

Thing is, I'm under 18, so it's not even legal for me or anyone my age to enter fetish-centered spaces, so I feel like there's no community I can enter where I can just meet someone that I already know is into the same stuff I am. In any space I can enter, I'll certainly at best be looked at weird if I say that I want to date someone accepting of fetishes in general, and be kicked out and/or reported at worst.

Am I just forced to bite the bullet and wait 'till I turn 18? Cuz it's been hard for me to deal with not being able to share my sexuality and preferences with other people in a space where sharing your sexuality and preferences is appropriate, even in forming friendships or simple acquaintances. It's a real first-world problem to have, but it's surely not a very pleasant one.

Hi Valentin0,

You're right that navigating when to bring up specific sexual wants with a partner (or potential partner) can be tricky, especially when you know there's the potential for those sexual wants to generate an instant "nope" from them. I don't think you need to be super worried that someone will involve their parents, even if they end up grossed out by the things you like. Lots of people prefer not to talk about sex with their parents at all, let alone talk with them about something they'd consider an extreme "kink."

If it feels less frustrating or nerve-inducing to you, you could certainly put looking for sexual relationships on hold until you're 18 and can more easily look for partners in spaces where discussing kink up front is the norm. But I don't think you did anything wrong by not bringing this up right away with this girl. Unless we're looking for dates or starting a relationship where sex is a main focus from the get-go, it's pretty dang normal not to bring up our deepest sexual desires when we're first getting to know someone.

Do you think it would help if you changed the Twitter account to private or otherwise made it so people who don't follow you can't see it? That would give you more control over when you introduce this into conversation, and quell some of those fears about someone accidentally seeing something they don't want to.

As for when to bring your preferences up with a partner, often that discussion happens if/when people want to bring sex into the relationship. If people discover they're not compatible (this may not always be about your preferences, by the by, since you could discover the other person wants things that are so not for you), that could lead to the relationship ending. But other times, people try exploring those preferences together. Even if the relationship ends because of a sexual mis-match, that doesn't mean it was a waste of time; you may still have had fun and learned some things about relationships or yourself. Does that make sense?