Scarleteen

Hello!

So, I’m almost 22 and I’ve never slept with anyone or been in a significant relationship. I dated a guy for a few months when I was 17, but since then I’ve only been on a few dates here and there. I don’t have a problem with this in terms of social pressure or anything like that; until recently I don’t think I’ve ever actually been ready for a relationship or sex, and I’m glad I’ve had so much time to learn about myself before entering into an adult relationship. However, I’ve experienced a lot of growth and maturation over the last year and I know now that I am really ready to meet someone, fall in love, experience a real relationship, and have sex. Because of COVID (and I’m just shy in general) I haven’t had any opportunities to meet people since having this realization, so I’ve been using the time alone to keep exploring who I am and what I want from a partner. That being said, I am really longing to know what it feels like to be intimate with another person. I’ve been masturbating since I was like 16, so I can resort to that to satisfy the sexual aspect of that longing, but I’m not gonna lie… I’m getting a little bored with it. It’s nice in the moment but afterwards I feel more lonely than I did before. I think maybe if I think of masturbating more as a way to explore my body and less as a replacement for sex it might help the emotional aspect of it, but the issue is I feel like I'm pretty well acquainted with my body at this point.

Is there anything you recommend to maybe spice up masturbation a bit so that I can continue to explore my body? I’ve thought about buying a vibrator or dildo or something, but I don’t feel super comfortable buying one in person and I live in an apartment where people sometimes take your deliveries if you don’t get to them fast enough, so that worries me a bit haha.

Also, since I don’t really have any past sexual experiences to reference, I often use porn or erotica to help myself get aroused. But I always feel kind of guilty for doing this since I know the porn industry isn’t always ethical or consensual and I really don’t want to contribute to this. So could you also maybe recommend some more ethical media platforms that I can use without feeling guilty?

Hi ballerina99,

It sounds like you've been using the fact you're single as a chance to do a ton of exploration and introspection, which is awesome!

Buying a sex toy would certainly be one way to add new elements into masturbation. If you're shy about purchasing it in person, ordering online would be the way to go. You could look for a shop that offers tracking (most do at this point) so you'd know when to expect the package an maybe even time it so you're home for the delivery. Or, if you're not in while it's delivered, hopefully your neighbors will leave it be (or the shock of opening a box to find a dildo might offer someone a handy lesson in why we don't take packages that aren't ours).

You could also try experimenting with or exploring different ways of connecting with your fantasies. This article is a great starting place for that option: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms.

As for sexual media, some people find they're more comfortable with written porn, since it doesn't have some of the negative associations visual porn does. Too, it's possible to both make and consume porn in ethical ways (you can get some sense of them here: https://www.scarleteen.com/blog/sam_w/a ... th_jiz_lee), so if it's something that's an enjoyable part of masturbation for you, you don't have to abandon it entirely.