Scarleteen

I've been taking a summer college course that just finished up yesterday. It was remote but some of us who all live in the same city have been getting together and there's a girl I met who is really nice, cute, fun to be around. Some of us were all hanging out last night (and drinking), she asked me if I thought anyone in our group was cute, if I liked any of them, that sort of thing, and I told her kinda point blank, you. She didn't seem caught off-guard or anything but she jumped right to something like, no, you don't want to date me, I'm not a person you should be interested in, I'm no good for anything outside a hookup. All of which is totally not true, but I can't tell if she meant what she said or if she was deflecting -- or was just drunk. The few times we've seen each other in a group she's been happy to see me and she has no problem giving me hugs, putting her head on my shoulder, things like that, but she also does seem like a physically affectionate person with friends. I'm just stuck on what to do or think now.

Welcome to the boards, forest_wave.

Were this me, what I would probably do is figure I'd give this another go when both of us were sober and see how it went then. It could be that, as you said, this was her insecurity coming out with her drinking, or it could be that she doesn't *want* to be dating and only wants hookups but didn't express that clearly...who knows. All the same, given you are interested, and I'm not hearing what sounded at all like a "leave me alone," I think it's probably okay to see about approaching this sober. Maybe just ask if she wants to hang out sometime with you?

How does that sound to you?

Yes, that sounds good. Thanks. She does seem like someone I would want to have as a friend if not as a partner, so I definitely want to be sure I phrase things right. Any advice on how to thread that needle? And text vs in person? Thanks so much.

I hear that, and I think that's actually a great spot to be in with this.

I'd say in person with this one, IMHO. I feel like some eye contact and other body language to let her know that it's all cool and things aren't super awkward might be helpful. I also think that saying what you just said here would also be great -- that regardless, you want to be friends with her. Partners can be friends (should be!), and friends can be friends, so you win there either way.

Maybe the next time you see her, you can just say hi and such in the usual ways you do, then mention the conversation you had the other night, say you are interested in her, and let her know if she's interested back, you would like to hang out? You can tell her then that no matter what, you want to be friends, so you're cool and hope she wants *that* too, regardless?