Scarleteen

I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to put my own happiness first. I'm going to make my own decisions and stand by them. I'm going to fucking move out next week.

Oh... oh jesus... I'm going to fucking move out next week...

I've known this was going to happen for years, I've been planning this for months. I graduated in June, I knew it would come the month after. It's simple. Wait for everyon to leave, invite all my friends and the teachers I trust over, pack up my life in a few hours, drive off, and live with my girlfriend forever. Also, have the worst panic attack of my life, cry for hours on end, feel suicidal, endure more verbal and emotional abuse from my family than ever before, go NC and cut them completely out of my life, end up poor because of late stage capitalism, lose my apartment and life, and end up on the streets to die. See? Simple!

In all seriousness, I don't feel ready in any capacity. Whatsofuckingever. It just feels so abrupt. I would've rather I slowly drifted away from my family over the course of a few years. That's what my older sister did, the only family member I trust. She even admitted that to me! She went to an upstate college for 5 years, and then found a job in the most northern part of the state and moved there. Needless to say, I'd be the first in my family ever to just leave and go NC.

If I don't move out, I won't be able to get help with my mental health, I won't be able to avoid college, I won't be able to get a job I actually want, I won't be able to transition, I won't be able to live a life without fear. I went to a Planned Parenthood last month, and I found out that I don't even need a therapist or money to pay for HRT. I don't know why, but that hasn't left my mind ever since I found out. And, I know I won't be able to do any of that if I don't fucking leave.

I might be happier, but at what cost? At least my family isn't physically abusive. They bought me food, brought me to nice expensive restaurants when I wanted to, payed for my hobbies, and financially supported me for years. All without expecting me to work a dime for it. With a minimum wage job, I won't even be able to afford rent, let alone food, let alone any of the other stuff. My GF has had a Starbucks job for a few years now, and even with all their savings, we wouldn't last.

I ended up in the hospital in January in severe pain and had to be admitted for the night. There was a very real chance I could've had emergency surgery right then and there. And, I've had to have multiple doctor visits afterwards. I'm lucky because the military pays for any insurance costs since my dad's a veteran. A medical emergency could kill me, but going to the hospital to make sure I don't die would fucking bankrupt us, a fate worse than death.

The tradeoff just doesn't make sense. I trade financial security and a fucking family and hobbies and food and shit for... happiness and the ability to be queer and live without fear, oh, also, my phone will be constantly blowing up with calls and texts from my family. I don't know, man, the pros don't outweight the cons.

But, despite all of this, I... so fucking want this. I want this so badly, so why the fuck am I second guessing myself and thinking this is all wrong and a bad idea? I'm 18, what the fuck do I know? Nothing. That's right, nothing. Teenagers make stupid fucking decisions all the time, and this is one of them. I'll live to regret it. I don't know what I'm doing, and I need to stay with my parents so they can figure everything out for me. That's why, all that abuse isn't abuse and I deserved it. Or, maybe, that's just the trauma of my parents putting me down and gaslighting me and manipulating me talking...

My GF's family moved into a bigger, more expensive, better furnished apartment specifically to accomodate me. There's no turning back now. Maybe I'll die on the street losing everyone and everything I love. Maybe this is all a tiny blip in my life. Maybe I should just kill myself now and it'll all be over. It's a bad dream. Multiversal me in a different timeline didn't have to go through this, if you end it your soul could be transported there.

The fuck am I even talking about???

Funny... my GF's family (their dad and brother) all went through the same thing when the abuse by their mom was too much for all of them. Just up and left and went NC and divorced. And, all their mental health is... almost worse than before they left... oh god, please don't tell them I said that.

Anyway, uh, this was transfemandgay's 2:30 AM anxiety and depression induced ramblings. Like & subscribe for more content from yo' girl. I'm not gonna proofread any of this.

This is all okay! YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.

Just want to report in as someone who left home (if you could call it that: sure didn't feel like it) really young, and also had to leave other living situations on the fly, feeling unprepared and with very little to live on (and as a suicidal person myself), but is still here at 51. Were there close calls? YOU BETCHA. Oh, were there. Many. But I think it has always certainly beat the alternatives.

Sounds to me like the same is true for you. Sometimes, our choices simply are not great all around, and we just gotta go for the best of them, which it sounds to me like you very clearly are, and I freaking salute you.

You can ask for help, including here, even if it feels very to the side of what we do. We're fine going to the side of what we do and glad to help, seriously. Sounds like you also have a kickass support circle IRL, which is awesome. You don't know what you're doing yet, but you'll learn what you're doing. That's a lot of how it works. YOU GOT THIS.

I just want to chime in and echo what Heather said. As someone who can also relate to some of what you're going through and feeling, and is still here. Things are going to get better as you navigate this and figure out what's best for you. There is no right or wrong answer because it's your life and you're already giving this more thought than many of us have for big decisions in the past. Also, it's totally fine to just rant, whether it's at 2:30am or whenever the heck you feel like it, and you've always got a community here to listen and support you.

Well, it’s fucking happening tomorrow.

Now that I think about it, I’m less terrified of the fallout with my family and the financial uncertainty. Because, I know I will be happier. I know that eventually I’ll get through it and I *will* be happier. It’s still terrifying as fuck, but I know I can get through that. No, that’s not what’s making me anxious.

It’s all the little things. The pots and pans and stove I use will be different. My bed will feel different. My room will look different. My daily routine will be different. The people I interact with daily will be different. It’s all these tiny fucking things that are making me so anxious. Maybe it’s fucking ADHD or OCD making me fear these changes the most. I don’t know. Either way, all of these things combined are putting me on the verge of a panic attack. But, I’m just laying here in bed at 4 fucking AM. Jesus Christ.

Hey there.

You probably won't see this until after you're on the other side, but we wanted to leave you something regardless.

By all means, all of those little things will be different, and all of those little things being different can certainly add up to some big feelings of anxiety, fear and displacement. At the same time, you've likely got a pretty big joy undercurrent to ride with all of this that will also be going on at the same time. Those things won't necessarily cancel each other out, but the latter should make the former a lot easier to deal with, and might even make all of these little changes, or at least some of them, feel liberatory rather than scary.

It may well be that your room looks more full of possibility. Your bed may feel more like your own. Your daily routine may have fewer landmines to navigate around, for example.

There's also something about learning to do all of this stuff by yourself for yourself, in the interest of your own life, the way you want to live it, that makes even what feels scary feel pretty powerful and positive, IMHO. It can be harder to get caught up in the anxiety and easier to get caught up in the forward momentum.

I hope today, even though I'm sure it will also be full of nervous energy, is full of great starts for you. I hope it truly is a first day of the rest of your life that's for you, on your terms, the way you want to be and live. We're thinking of you over here. <3

My dad didn’t leave the house at all the one day I was planning on leaving. I had to turn away my friends.

I am… absolutely furious I went through all this mental preparation for fucking nothing.

Hi transfemandgay,

I'm so sorry that you had to call off your plan. I can think of few things more frustrating than psyching yourself up to do something big and scary only to have something beyond your control throw it all off.

I do want to say that, while this probably feels like it's all for nothing right now, the fact you weren't able to put your plan into action on the day you wanted to doesn't mean you have to abandon it. You put a lot of preparation, including that stress and all the mental back-and-forth with yourself, into this; if you want to go through with moving out, then all that prep is still there, you know? It's not a choice between "get gone this specific day" and "remain stuck here forever."

Is there a way we can best support you while you regroup? Even if what you need is mainly encouragement, we're happy to cheer you on from afar <3

So, I did it. I fucking moved out.

And… I *haven’t* had a single fucking panic attack. I haven’t cried or screamed or anything. I’ve literally been calm. Sure, I was anxious before my bitch ass family came home to an empty room and a letter on my desk.

Then, they started spamming me with calls and texts. And, I know the reasonable thing to do would be to answer one (1) call and say “I’m safe” *then* go No Contact.

But, I didn’t. I didn’t answer them at all. And, I realized having to hear their voice one last time and responding to it was what was giving me the most anxiety. So, I didn’t. And, I’m fucking glad I didn’t. They tried tracking my phone through T-Mobile so I ripped my SIM card out and they REALLY can’t call or text me now. My sister told them I was safe at least.

Honestly, I feel… happy and relieved. It’s like I’m no an extended date with my girlfriend, but, this time I’m not constantly anxious about if my parents are tracking me or what they think we’re doing or having to go back to them at the end of the day. Literally out of my mind. We just went to Target to buy some essentials for me, ate some chicken tenders, and fucked around.

I am… so fucking glad I did this. Tomorrow, I’m gonna shave every hair off my fucking body and go out in a skirt.

I fucking did this.

Hi transfemandgay,

SO MUCH WONDERFUL NEWS!! Prioritizing your happiness and freedom to openly and vibrantly be yourself, even when it means wading through a lot of anxiety and facing a completely new situation, is an amazing act of self love. I’m also glad you were able to recognize that answering any of your family’s calls would cause you more anxiety and that you made the best decision for yourself. It sounds like you are surrounded by supportive people, and that you have awesome plans for today!

YES! Congratulations on getting out! I'm so, so glad you were able to pull it off and that it's left you feeling happy and relieved <3

I'm so happy to hear this! It's a huge positive step and I am so glad you were able to take it.