Dealing with burnout

[MusicNerd]

Hi all! Hope everyone’s doing well during these wild and crazy times.

Last month, things ended between me and a girl I was seeing for a couple months, which really hurt since it was so unexpected. I’ve been trying to date other people since then, but lately I’ve been going on a lot of first dates that lead nowhere. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still a good time, and I’m glad I get to meet new people, but I find myself feeling some burnout when it comes to dating since nothing really pans out.

Part of it might be due to other stresses in my life, but I think it’s also the fact that I’m in my mid-late 20s and have yet to be in an actual relationship— despite having gone on god-knows-how-many-dates over the years, mental health struggles, addiction, trauma, and housing/financial instability all made it difficult for me to find a partner. I’m thankfully in a much better place now, and I know I likely wouldn’t have been a good, fully-present partner before I got sober a few years ago.

Sorry to sound like I’m moping! I definitely still make sure to maintain my friendships, since platonic relationships are super important to me, and I also have other interests and things going on in my life, it’s just this part of my life that is feeling tiresome.

Has anyone here dealt with this feeling? How do you cope with burnout in dating? Any insight is greatly appreciated!

[MusicNerd]

Actually, nevermind please ignore this post! I realized I can’t delete this lol

[Sam W]

Hi MusicNerd,

Okay! We treat this like a venting/processing post, and figure that if you want to ask for support around this topic in the future, you're welcome to pick this conversation back up.

[MusicNerd]

Hi, thanks Sam!! You know what, I think I might talk a bit more— I guess I was embarrassed about sharing something like this opening post. Feelings, man, gotta love ‘em. lol

I’ve actually been doing EMDR recently, and had a pretty big epiphany around this breakup just yesterday during a session.

Basically, a lot of my fears and issues around dating are wrapped up in traumas I have related to women (emotional + mental abuse from my mom growing-up, bullying as a kid, etc.), since I mostly tend to date women and non-binary folks.

It was pretty surprising to realize that! Like, I knew I had traumas around men (mostly physical), but I didn’t realize how deep my emotional wounds went with women. It also was surprising for me, because, as someone who was assigned-female-at-birth, and therefore was socialized as a girl growing up, it didn’t occur to me that I could experience trauma from women. I know that sounds silly, but that’s how my mind operated.

In terms of thinking of positive relationships with women, I thought of my sponsor, who has been unconditionally supportive and accepting of me for over 2 years, despite the less desirable parts of myself— like, she literally knows everything about me. So then I realized, like, “Okay, if one woman in my life is like this after knowing every single thing about me, then maybe it’s possible to have positive intimate relationships with women + non-male folks in a dating context too.”

Essentially, I realized that I shouldn’t have to work hard to be accepted by someone (like I tried with my mom and even former folks I’ve dated), and that I can just.... be? And that that’s somehow good enough.

Idk this was a total ramble, but realizing this issue within myself, in regards to my relationship to women, has been pretty eye-opening. Anywho, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[Sam W]

Hi MusicNerd,

It sounds like you've been doing lots of work to unpack and sort through these feelings, which is great! And you're right, it can be so strange and yet revelatory to realize that you just being is enough; that's one of those concepts that feels so basic but, because of how many people emphasize our use to them over all else, it ends up feeling incredibly powerful when we re-learn it.