Trouble Masturbating/ feeling aroused

[fionaapplelover]

This may be a weird question, but is it normal to feel horny/ want to masturbate when your bladder is full? I have a vagina, and masturbating only feels good when I have a full bladder. Is this wrong or bad? I also feel like I can't fully masturbate, and it bothers me a lot. I don't know what I'm attracted to, I tried porn and imagining things, but nothing ever really turns me on. It really bothers me because I want to be sexually active and try things, but I feel so bad whenever I do stuff. I don't even really care if I experience pleasure, as long as my partner is attracted and wanting me. How can I figure this stuff out without hurting people?? Thank you and so sorry if there was a similar post, I tried looking but couldn't find anything

[Elise]

Hi there fionaapplelover. You've asked a few great questions here - I am going to address them in order in this reply for clarity

Firstly, that is not a weird question at all! Your bladder is in the same part of your body as the internal parts of your genitals and sex organs, so pressure on one area can lead to pressure and therefore sensations on the other. For instance when some people experience stimulation in the front wall of their vagina from a penis, or fingers or a sex toy, it also puts some pressure on the wall of the bladder, as its located next door, and so feel like they need to pee. Pressure can be felt both ways, so when your bladder is full, it might be putting pressure on and therefore simulating a sensitive part of your internal anatomy, like the internal structure of your clitoris (this includes areas you may have heard of like the "G-spot"). Whilst this likely won't be the only scenario in which you can enjoy masturbation in the future, it sounds like this pressure is giving you some extra simulation in an area where this is pleasurable for you.

You can read more about your anatomy in these articles - knowing more about how your body is set up is a great and powerful first step to understanding yourself:

• It feels like I have to pee during sex. Do I have a problem?
• Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

Secondly, you mention feeling bothered that you aren't getting a "full" experience out of masturbation. Is that because you're having difficulty feeling aroused and wanting to masturbate in general, or feel like you're unable to derive pleasure from it? Both situations can feel really frustrating. You also mention feeling "really bad" when you masturbate, would you feel comfortable telling us a bit more about that feeling? Is it a sense of shame or that you shouldn't be doing it, or more like a sensation of pain or discomfort?

If it is pain or discomfort, then it would be a good idea to hold off trying to masturbate for a bit to work out what is causing that. If it is more a mental sense of discomfort, taking a break can also be a good idea whilst we unpack that here. Your mental state plays a really big part in feeling arousal and deriving pleasure from any sexual activity, solo or with a partner.

Finally, you mention a couple of things it could be really helpful to unpack a bit as we explore these questions with you:
1) You mention a concern about "hurting people", which you also referenced in your previous post, what kind of hurt are you worried about causing?
2) You say, "I don't even really care if I experience pleasure, as long as my partner is attracted and wanting me": a caring partner cares about your pleasure and that you are having a good, safe and enjoyable time too. Is there a reason you feel you need or want to minimize your own feelings in this way?

I've given you a lot to read and think about, so it is completely fine to ask further questions and also to answer in segments if that is easier. We are here to help and hope this is a useful starting point to explore your questions!

[fionaapplelover]

Hi!! Thank you so much for responding! First of all, I feel like im unable to derive pleasure from masturbating. I always have felt like I've been broken, or like I don't work, because I can never seem to use my fingers or vibrators to feel good. And the feeling really bad part is mostly just thinking that I'm never going to be experiencing pleasure, and it really frustrates me because I definitely would like to be sexually active, but I don't know how if I can't even pleasure myself.

To answer your other questions;
1) I'm worried about hurting people if I try to experiment with multiple people, and although I would of course tell people that I'm seeing or having intercourse with other people, I feel like I would be judged or looked at wrongly.

2) For the second question, I feel like I need to minimize my feelings in that way to feel like I'm wanted. When I think about people thinking about me, or wanting me in that way, it turns me on. It may be stupid, but that's one of the few times I'm turned on, and so far I've only been able to achieve that by believing or wanting or needing to minimize my wants and feelings.

thank you so much for your time and help, your questions and comments gave me a lot of clarity and a lot to think about !! <3

[Sam W]

Hi fionaapplelover,

Thank you for all those details, they're really helpful!

Let's take a sec to focus on those worries about being able to feel pleasure. When you masturbate, is it that the physical sensation feels boring? Or can you literally not feel anything? And when you think about your body more generally, are their kinds of touch or activity (sexual or not) that bring you pleasure? That could be things like massage, taking a bath, or someone cuddling you.

Since you mention you also have trouble getting your brain engaged in masturbation, I encourage to keep exploring new fantasies to see if you can find ones that arouse you. I think some of the tools in this article might help you with that: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms.

With those fears around hurting people, I think you're right that being up front with the fact that you're non-exclusive is the way to go, because then everyone is on the same page about the relationship. It's true that some people might judge you for it, and that can sting, but they're also doing you the favor of revealing they're not a good partner for you right from the get-go. If you ever need help figuring out how to discuss this topic with potential partners, that's certainly something we can use this space for.

For the record, I don't think it's silly to be turned on by the thought of a partner wanting you. In fact, I'd argue that's something the majority of us need in order to feel turned on in sexual situations; if we're with someone who doesn't think we're desirable, that's going to feel pretty crummy for us (and, in many cases, for them). I want to dig into that feeling that, in order to be desired, you have to minimize your need and wants. Do you have a sense of why you feel that way?