Issue with parents feelings about sibling sexual identity

[iloveeveryone]

When my sibling came out as not-straight to our parents a few months ago, they did not have a negative reaction. Or a positive, "we love you, you're great whatever you are" reaction. My sibling and I are not sure our parents are okay with my sibling's identity.

I think our parents' main thought about it is "they are too young to know their sexual identity", and this is the part I would like your opinion on. Do we "respect that" and my sibling should "come out again" to them when my sibling is older?? or do we try to tackle this thought of theirs right now, and have a conversation where we make sure they trust my sibling to know who she is?

I am also not 100% sure I should talk about my worries here because me and my sibling did not talk about their coming out to our parents since it happened. I don't know if they would appreciate my asking this here, does it count as outing them? But I feel worried about the situation and my sibling's feeling safe at home in their sexual identity. I would like an answer for myself.

Thank you so much.

[Urna]

Hello iloveeveryone, and welcome to Scarleteen! I understand that this is a stressful situation to be in, for both you and your sibling. I'm sorry that you're going through this uncertainty regarding your parents' reaction to your sibling's sexuality. No age is too young to know one's sexual identity, and there's no need to respect the opinion of those who think that someone is too young to know who they are. Your sibling should be under no obligation to come out again when they're older, but I know that this is a common opinion among parents who aren't LGBT-friendly, and if your sibling is comfortable with it (their desires and their comfort are of the highest priority here, of course), you two should have that conversation with your parents, to tackle their misguided opinion right now. However, since both you and your sibling are minors and live with your parents, it's possible that talking to them may backfire (they may become hostile, there might be a fight, etc.), which will affect your home situation and emotional health. Are you and your sibling okay with that possibility? Quoting from an article we have on here:

To be affirmed, seen, and loved by others are among the reasons people come out in the first place, and we all hope that things will go really well. Things might also go badly, which is why coming out is scary, but preparation can help. Whatever happens, you’re allowed to feel whatever comes to you in the moment and after. It’s not easy to be vulnerable with people whose reactions you care about, but no one can take your identity, your language, or how you want to love, live and exist away from you. What might going badly mean in your situation? Is your safety or your access to your support networks, mental health care, or your housing compromised? Does it mean that people will get angry or upset with you? Even in cases where they are supportive, people, especially family members, can express a range of emotions that’s difficult and uncomfortable for you to hear. But again, keep in mind that whatever feelings they’re having are not your responsibility. You are allowed to remove yourself while they’re doing that processing. You can leave at any time.

We could talk more about this, if you want.

I don't know if they would appreciate my asking this here, does it count as outing them?

Since it's your sibling's sexuality, it's 100% up to them whether they want to bring it up with your parents again. I'd say you should talk to your sibling about the fact that you're worried about their safety at home, and ask them if they, like you, want a final answer from your parents. If they don't feel the same way, you should respect their decision. Does that make sense?

[iloveeveryone]

Thank you so very much! I feel better about the situation.

I understand we should talk to our parents about their opinion, soon, and not go along with it. I have not talked to my sibling and asked if she wants a final answer conversation. If she says yes, we will try to make sure our parents understand my sibling and their sexuality. They are supportive and great in other matters, and I think it will not be extremely hard for them to, accept her, at least. The problem last time, I think, was they did not take my sibling seriously.

But we should be ready for other outcomes!
We will consider the effects on us of a negative response before deciding to have that conversation or not.

Can you tell me if "so, you understand that I am _____, right? We were not too sure of your thoughts about it, and we really want you to be completely good with this." if fine to start the conversation with?

Thank you!

[Sam W]

Hi iloveeveryone,

I'm glad to hear your parents tend towards the supportive end of things, if only because that will (hopefully) make things easier for your sister when she talks to them. It sounds like you know the next step is to talk with your sibling and if/how they want to approach your parents about this. Is that a conversation you feel ready to have pretty soon?

As far as conversation starters, you might want to consider being even more general to start out with. So, your sibling might say something like, "I know I cam out to you as (identity) a little while ago. Can we talk about how that went?"

[iloveeveryone]

Hi!

Yes, I am ready to have the conversation with my sibling. I think I will ask her now.

I really appreciate this conversation starter. I will tell my sibling about it if she says yes for our parents' conversation.

I really hope my parents are more receptive of my sister's identity if we talk to them again!

Thank you so much, Urna and Sam W. Thank you, Scarleteen, for existing!!!

[Sam W]

You're so very welcome, and I hope those conversations all go well!

[iloveeveryone]

Hello, I'm sorry, another question from me

I just wanted to share that I asked my sibling if "you want to talk again to our parents about your coming out", and they said "Er, no."

Hehe, so that is the end of it! I'm not going to ask them again. But now I'm thinking "how are they okay with not knowing if our parents are completely good with their identity or not?" Is this worth thinking about for me? It is not, right? I just want my sibling to feel good!!

Thank you so much.

[Sam W]

Good on you for respecting their decisions! Honestly, only they can know their reasons for not wanting to raise the issue again, but I know just from the people in m own life that if the people came out to treated them lovingly they decided not to bring up the less than perfect coming out conversation again. Sometimes it was because they didn't feel like being vulnerable in that way all over again, or they were doing some internal questioning of their identity so weren't even sure how they'd talk about their coming out, or maybe they just tended to shy away from conversations where they felt conflict was possible. Like I said, it really depended on the person and their families overall response.

[iloveeveryone]

Okay. I understand what you are saying! Thanks for those possible reasons, I see that it was not a bad thing my sister didn't want to bring up their coming out again.