Scarleteen

Hi
I'm a 17 year old transmasc nonbinary person, and for as long as I've been masturbating, I've never been able to enjoy it. I'm asexual, so my enjoyment of sexual acts is a bit different than most people's, but I do genuinely want to enjoy them. I don't feel the need to masturbate very often, but when I do, it's a pretty strong urge.

The problem is, I have never been able to find a way to masturbate that actually feels good, and it's resulted in me feeling incredibly frustrated. Vaginal penetration feels good for a moment, but in less than thirty seconds I essentially go numb to it. Anal penetration doesn't do anything for me either. My clitoris either has no feeling or is so sensitive that I can't handle it, never anything in between. I've tried touching it through clothes but the problems still persist. My breasts also aren't sensitive in the slightest. I'm also not in a situation where I can engage in sexual acts with my current partners, and I doubt they'd be able to help as I can't even seem to figure myself out.

I've read through so many articles and so much advice trying to find something that will work for me, but I've yet to find anything. I'm tired of feeling frustrated with my own sexual urges and being unable to do anything about them. I want to be able to engage in and enjoy sex, but I'm unsure of how to progress from here. Is there anything I should try to do, or should I just accept that I can't enjoy sex even though I genuinely want to?

Hi bluebee,

That sounds very frustrating, I’m sorry! But I also want you to know that so many people struggle to enjoy masturbation, so you definitely don’t have to “just accept that you can’t enjoy sex” if that’s important to you. And there’s essentially no rules to masturbating!

It may, however, take a bit of time and exploring to find what forms of masturbation work for you. It’s also helpful to bring as few expectations or stressors in as possible - when we masturbate with the mindset “I really want/need this to feel good” or bring other expectations, it can actually make it much harder to feel pleasure.

It sounds like you are doing some exploring to find what does make masturbation pleasurable. You mentioned that vaginal penetration feels good for a moment, but then feels numb. The vagina doesn’t actually have that many nerve endings, so your experience makes sense! The majority of people with vaginas don’t reach orgasm through penetration alone, and will often pair it with stimulation around the clitoris, around the vulva, or other areas. Masturbation can also involve touching places on your body that aren’t your genitals. I know you said you don’t have much sensitivity in your breasts, and that’s totally fine! What about your thighs, stomach, face (anything, you name it)? If your clitoris is sensitive and it’s uncomfortable to touch it directly, you could try exploring the area immediately surrounding and different movements (rubbing, pinching, etc) and movement speeds in this area. For less direct stimulation, some people also enjoy dry humping or squeezing their thighs together.

You said that you have read through many articles, but I’ll pass this Scarleteen one along in case it's helpful - “Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation” talks about some of the misconceptions about masturbation, describes different ways people may masturbate, and also why it might not be pleasurable to masturbate.

How does this sound? Do any other questions come up for you?

I find it pretty difficult to completely eliminate expectations and stressors, as after years of trying to find something that works for me with no luck makes it pretty hard to approach masturbation without at least some inherent frustration, but I do try to go into things as optimistic as I can. I've tried even taking breaks from masturbation multiple times in the past few years in an attempt to reduce how much I stress over it, but I find that I always become stressed over it fairly quickly once going back to it.

The majority of my body responds to touch pretty underwhelmingly. I know not to exactly expect an incredible reaction from contact on most parts of my body, but I've yet to find any part of my body other than my genitals that respond to touch in any notable way. Same for less direct stimulation, I don't really feel much of anything from that.

I still feel very lost as to where to go from here. What else could I possibly try?

Hi bluebee,

I can see how that frustration might be hard to shake, especially when it happens more or less every time. Can you tell me a little bit more about what's going on in your head when you try to masturbate? Do you find it easy to connect to fantasies and stay in an aroused brain space? Is does your mind tend to wander or drop into that anxious or frustrated mode pretty quickly?

It may even be worth dedicating some time to finding kinds of touch or other stimulation that can lead to non-sexual pleasure; not only can that be enjoyable on it's own, it can sometimes clue you in to things that might help during masturbation.

I find it uncomfortable having fantasies in which I'm involved with another person, or imagining any real people at all. I tend to prefer imagining fictional characters, specifically where I imagine myself in the place of one of the characters. I usually feel like I get the closest to actually enjoying masturbation when I create that disconnect where I'm in the role of a character. (I believe this is likely related to my adhd and using my hyperfixation, something that already brings me a lot of joy, as a way to make masturbation more enjoyable since I put myself in the place of a character I really like and relate to, alongside my general discomfort in being directly involved in my fantasies.) Even with this, I find myself getting frustrated with it pretty quickly. I try to take my time, but I tend to get pretty impatient quite quickly and find that I don't masturbate for much longer than ten minutes at this point since I'd rather not force myself to keep doing something that isn't enjoyable and feels like work. The times when I do try to be a bit more patient and go for longer don't really have better results, which also contribute to me just giving up pretty quickly since I know continuing is unlikely to make a difference.

I'm not sure where I could really start with trying to find kinds of touch that result in non-sexual pleasure on my own, as I not only don't find any sexual enjoyment from most physical contact, but really any active enjoyment at all. I'm not touch repulsed, but at least when it comes to my own touch, I find myself completely neutral towards it. Is there anything I should try/things I should focus on? Preferably something more in-depth than a vague "experiment and find what works" as I tend to struggle with vague advice like that and need a good idea of where to start in order to really feel like I'm figuring something out.

When you're feeling the urge to masturbate, what is that feeling like? Is it a sense of physical arousal? The reason I ask is that if you aren't feeling aroused, it's unlikely for sexual touch to feel that great, and that might be contributing to your frustration.
I hear you that it's tough to know what to do when someone says "just experiment!" but it's often hard to give specific suggestions, since what feels good during masturbation or other physical activities will vary a lot from person to person. On the masturbation side of things, since you mention your clitoris being over-sensitive at times, you may find that using a lubricant of some kind cuts down on friction and makes things more comfortable. In terms of nonsexual physical touch or activities, things like gentle massage that you can do to yourself (scalp, feet/legs, forearms) or even physical activity or exercise that makes you feel rooted in your body such as dancing, gentle stretching or yoga, running, etc. could be helpful.

I'd say the vast majority of the time it's a sense of physical arousal, I don't really have the patience to even attempt masturbating anymore if I'm not aroused, it would seem like a was a waste of time since it never goes anywhere. It would seem a bit pointless.

I don't really know how much I would respond to something like a massage given how underwhelming I find touch, but I suppose I could try. As for other physical activities, I already do several of the things you listed. I guess I struggle to see how things like that could help, especially since they're things I already do.

When you do some of the physical activities Mo mentioned, how do you feel at the end of them?

So, one of the reasons we bring up non-sexual sources of pleasure is that--in addition to just being fun on their own--they can sometimes be a backdoor into upping the pleasure you get during masturbation or partnered sex. I talk some about that in this article, including ways to generate pleasure that rely on senses other than touch: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment.

Too, I wonder if you may need to try more intense sources of pleasure, since your body tends to be underwhelmed by touch. That could be something like a dry brush instead of a massage, a really hot (or cold, if that's your jam) shower or bath, or even something like food that has a strong taste that you really, really like.

I guess I feel the same after those physical activities as I did before them. If there's any difference, I can't tell. If anything they're sometimes just ways for me to get rid of pent up energy, so afterwards I would just feel normal.

I suppose I'll try some more intense sources of pleasure. I already tend to take really hot showers and prefer foods with strong tastes, I don't know if I'd consider them pleasurable in any way so much as I just don't like the alternatives, but I'll try some other things and see what happens.