I have been with two boys, not having sex with them but playing around and having fun but never letting it go crazy.
Yesterday I was with a girl, she is a bit older than me but she is the older sister of one of my best friends. We talked about boys and sex and she asked if I ever kissed a girl and she kissed me. The kissing lasted for a while, and I was okay with it.
And today we are texting each other and it's becoming sexual. Now she wants to go down on me, that's what she's asking.
I want to do this but I don't. And should I? I haven't even let a boy go that far with me. I'm mostly thinking what others would think of me if they found out, but I know they would never know.
So how do you know when you know? I mean is it normal to want to try it with a girl? Is it normal to be with a girl before a boy? Is this the start of finding out if I like to be with girls more than boys?
And she only wants to go down on me, I don't need to do anything with her if I don't want to. I already told her I'm not interested in doing anything in return.
Not sure what I want to do
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Emily N
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Re: Not sure what I want to do
Hi Willow!
Just to be sure I have a clear picture of what's going on, when you say his sister is a bit older, how much older are we talking?
Do you mind sharing what you mean by “I want to do this but I don’t”? What parts are you excited by, and what parts not so much? The first step might be determining if you feel ready for sex. Try checking out this article, it gives example questions you can ask yourself to gauge if you’re feeling ready. Some biggies are -Do you actively want to have sex? Do you feel safe with this person? Is this the time/situation/place you want to have sex? Do you feel like you know what you want and don’t want to happen in this experience? (It sounds like you are already setting a boundary that you aren’t interested in going down on her, that’s a good step!) If you want to talk through any of your answers here, I’m happy to do that with you, too.
Exploring your sexuality is a very important process for many, many people! At Scarleteen, we don’t like to use the word “normal” - not only is the definition of normal (being approximately average) not very inspiring, we are all so different and have such different experiences! This article makes me feel so good anytime I’m worried about “not being normal”. And when it comes to exploring your sexuality with people of multiple genders, there are no rules that say you have to have sex with so and so first! Do you want to talk more about exploring your sexuality or attraction to girls?
I also want to check in about your relationship with your friend - how are they feeling about your conversations/time spent with their sister?
Just to be sure I have a clear picture of what's going on, when you say his sister is a bit older, how much older are we talking?
Do you mind sharing what you mean by “I want to do this but I don’t”? What parts are you excited by, and what parts not so much? The first step might be determining if you feel ready for sex. Try checking out this article, it gives example questions you can ask yourself to gauge if you’re feeling ready. Some biggies are -Do you actively want to have sex? Do you feel safe with this person? Is this the time/situation/place you want to have sex? Do you feel like you know what you want and don’t want to happen in this experience? (It sounds like you are already setting a boundary that you aren’t interested in going down on her, that’s a good step!) If you want to talk through any of your answers here, I’m happy to do that with you, too.
Exploring your sexuality is a very important process for many, many people! At Scarleteen, we don’t like to use the word “normal” - not only is the definition of normal (being approximately average) not very inspiring, we are all so different and have such different experiences! This article makes me feel so good anytime I’m worried about “not being normal”. And when it comes to exploring your sexuality with people of multiple genders, there are no rules that say you have to have sex with so and so first! Do you want to talk more about exploring your sexuality or attraction to girls?
I also want to check in about your relationship with your friend - how are they feeling about your conversations/time spent with their sister?
Re: Not sure what I want to do
She is 16, she turns 17 the day before I turn 15. Her younger brother is my age and that's how I know her.
I find her attractive, I enjoyed making out with her, but I don't see myself as bisexual but maybe I will let her do it anyway. There's no pressure from her, and boys that I have been with are all pressure and all wanting one thing.
I'm excited and I want to try this, the other part of the brain says I don't know. Should have my first sexual play be with a boy?
And you are right, what is holding me back is her younger brother. I know nothing would ever be said but what is my reaction going to be afterwards? But I'm still interested in doing it. I haven't told her no either.
And I do feel safe with her. I feel safer around her more than most boys. No pressure with her and I know I'm not going to be hurt. Making out with her was exciting and fun. I think I'm talking myself into it.
I find her attractive, I enjoyed making out with her, but I don't see myself as bisexual but maybe I will let her do it anyway. There's no pressure from her, and boys that I have been with are all pressure and all wanting one thing.
I'm excited and I want to try this, the other part of the brain says I don't know. Should have my first sexual play be with a boy?
And you are right, what is holding me back is her younger brother. I know nothing would ever be said but what is my reaction going to be afterwards? But I'm still interested in doing it. I haven't told her no either.
And I do feel safe with her. I feel safer around her more than most boys. No pressure with her and I know I'm not going to be hurt. Making out with her was exciting and fun. I think I'm talking myself into it.
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Sam W
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Re: Not sure what I want to do
Hi Willow,
Since it sounds like you feel safe around her and like she's demonstrating she respects your boundaries, what if you talked to her about the fact that, while part of you is excited to try this, you're still feeling a little unsure and need some more time to think about it? That way, you two are on the same page about how you're feeling about this, and you may even have a chance to talk about needing to slow things down a bit.
There really isn't a "should" when it comes to our first sexual experiences. Ideally, we'd all get to have them be with someone we were attracted to and felt safe with, and to me gender is less important than those factors. Can I ask what you think would be different about your first experience being with a boy instead of with her?
Since it sounds like you feel safe around her and like she's demonstrating she respects your boundaries, what if you talked to her about the fact that, while part of you is excited to try this, you're still feeling a little unsure and need some more time to think about it? That way, you two are on the same page about how you're feeling about this, and you may even have a chance to talk about needing to slow things down a bit.
There really isn't a "should" when it comes to our first sexual experiences. Ideally, we'd all get to have them be with someone we were attracted to and felt safe with, and to me gender is less important than those factors. Can I ask what you think would be different about your first experience being with a boy instead of with her?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
Re: Not sure what I want to do
Hi Sam.
I have always imagined my first time with a boy. The two boys that I have been with are the ones I thought about doing it with but I I think I would regret it with them. Both of them are too pushy is what I think.
I told her the same thing, that's how the kissing started and that's how all of this started happening. She knows I'm nervous. I am curious and I told her that too.
The only thing different would be doing it with a girl. That's it. I don't know why that bugs me, I trust her more than any other guy. And yes I told her this too.
Now I'm just nervous, LMAO! It's not easy to imagine her going down on me. I can imagine one of the guys, but not her.
Talking about is helping my nerves, with you guys and with her.
On a good now I can't get pregnant with her
I have always imagined my first time with a boy. The two boys that I have been with are the ones I thought about doing it with but I I think I would regret it with them. Both of them are too pushy is what I think.
I told her the same thing, that's how the kissing started and that's how all of this started happening. She knows I'm nervous. I am curious and I told her that too.
The only thing different would be doing it with a girl. That's it. I don't know why that bugs me, I trust her more than any other guy. And yes I told her this too.
Now I'm just nervous, LMAO! It's not easy to imagine her going down on me. I can imagine one of the guys, but not her.
Talking about is helping my nerves, with you guys and with her.
On a good now I can't get pregnant with her
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Sam W
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Re: Not sure what I want to do
I'm glad talking here is helping! And I think listening to those instincts you have about the guys being pushy is a really sound call; trusting our guts can sometimes help us avoid a sexual situation we end up feeling crummy about.
When you've talked to her about this, including your nerves, how has she responded? Are you getting that same vibe of her being respectful and willing to take things slow if you need to?
When you've talked to her about this, including your nerves, how has she responded? Are you getting that same vibe of her being respectful and willing to take things slow if you need to?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
Re: Not sure what I want to do
The two boys are good friends but they weren't right for me. I wanted them to be. They're just both too pushy. That's boys for you right?
With her the vibe is very respectful and slow and it's up to me. It's a 180 from the boys.
I'm nervous and I don't want to be. It's stupid for me to be nervous. I trust her. Maybe first-time jitters?
With her the vibe is very respectful and slow and it's up to me. It's a 180 from the boys.
I'm nervous and I don't want to be. It's stupid for me to be nervous. I trust her. Maybe first-time jitters?
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Sam W
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Re: Not sure what I want to do
Honestly, from what we know about human sexual experiences, pushiness come from all genders, and there are lots of guys out there who do respect their partner's boundaries (or who are the ones who need to take things super slow). That being said, guys tend to get messages about being the one to "take charge" of sexual situations, which can sometimes mean that they feel they "should" push, even when they don't want to.
It's not silly to be nervous; sexual activity can be very emotionally loaded for people, and that kind of situation can generate big-time nerves. Too, nerves can often clue us in to a worry or concern we might need to pay attention to, so it may help to sit with those nerves and see what they center on, you know?
I'm going to give you two articles; the first one is for you to read over on your own (it might help you work out where those nerves are coming from), and the second one is something I suggest you and she talk about together to make sure you're on the same page about wants and boundaries:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
It's not silly to be nervous; sexual activity can be very emotionally loaded for people, and that kind of situation can generate big-time nerves. Too, nerves can often clue us in to a worry or concern we might need to pay attention to, so it may help to sit with those nerves and see what they center on, you know?
I'm going to give you two articles; the first one is for you to read over on your own (it might help you work out where those nerves are coming from), and the second one is something I suggest you and she talk about together to make sure you're on the same page about wants and boundaries:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.