This happened to me today. Now what?

[SilverX]

A couple hours ago I was in bed with a girlfriend of mine, a first for me but not for her. And she's not my girlfriend, just a friend but who got me curious and talked me into trying it with her. And we watched girl on girl porn before we did anything, that made it easier for me.
Now she is asking if I want to sleep over at her house tomorrow night. Our parents would be okay with it because we are both girls, but if she was a boy then none of this would happen.
I like her, but I don't like her like her. But today was fun, but I don't know what I want to do.
And to end this with a surprise let me say I have a boyfriend, and he doesn't know and he is not going to know. I still like him, more than I like her, but I'm in the middle right now.
I guess this makes me bi-curious?
Today was great though, I'm not saying it was bad, but I don't know who I am right now.
Now somebody be nice and tell me what I should do, LMAO! I don't know what I'm doing. I read a few posts on here it's all interesting, some of you have no problem doing what you do. But when did you know?

[Sam W]

Hi SilverX,

There are sort of two things to tackle in this question; the situation with your friend and your questions about your identity. Let's start with the one with your friend first. Am I right in thinking you and your boyfriend are in a monogamous relationship? If that's the case, then you need to hit pause on any sexual (or potentially sexual) situations with your friend until you've decided if you want to ask for something more open or end the relationship with either of them.

Too, can you tell me a little more about the conversation between you and your friend that lead to the two of you deciding to be sexual together?

When it comes to your sexual orientation, this could very well indicate bisexuality or another form of queerness. You asked how people know, and the truth is it's pretty varied; some people realize it because they're experimenting with partners of various genders, some people know it from an early age, and some people realize it after they notices themselves getting crushes on a certain gender (or genders). If you're curious, these two pieces offer thoughts and prompts to help you think about your own identity. When you look at them, is there anything that resonates with you:

The Answers (for Now)
The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

[SilverX]

You're killing me Sam
I have been experimenting with her off and on for a while, but nothing like what we did this time. And lately I have been seeing her more than my boyfriend, only because he took a trip out west with his family for the month. I like both of them, and I like him more, but I know I like both.
I do find her attractive, I really do, and she is fun, but nobody knows but us. And both of them are very different, which I like both of them.
And I think I'm repeating myself now.
And I'm not going to stay over tomorrow night.

[Heather]

Hey there, SilverX.

So, what's your agreement with your boyfriend about seeing other people? Is it okay for both of you to be sexual with other people without each of you telling the other? Is that something you've agreed on before this, a don't-ask-don't-tell, or....?

[SilverX]

There's no such agreement. Why would there be? I didn't know there could be. It's been the two of us for a while. He knows her, he just doesn't know what's been going on. Maybe ask for his permission without him knowing that we already did it?

[Heather]

I get it -- it's not unusual when you're young to go into relationships and not make any agreements about exclusivity or not, or for people to just assume exclusivity or assume that you're not exclusive. Unfortunately, what happens when you don't talk about it and make any agreements is that soon enough, you find yourself in a situation like this, where at least one person has then gotten involved in some way with someone else, and then....well, it can obviously be a real mess.

Personally, I'm not a fan of being dishonest with people like that: I don't think it tends to make for healthy or good relationships, and you also have to figure that if you are choosing to keep it from someone, that it seems like maybe you're figuring it wasn't okay? If that's the case, then if you want all the relationships involved to have some integrity, then you'll want to deal with them in a way where there's some accountability, you know?

What do you think about perhaps instead putting anything with your girlfriend that you don't think would be okay with your boyfriend on hold for now until he comes back and you can talk to him about this? Then you can talk to him about what's gone down, deal with that, and then, depending on where you two stand from there, if he still is okay being together, work out whatever agreements and boundaries you're both comfortable with from there? It might be handy to look at pieces like this to get some ideas for that kind of conversation:
• A First Polyamory Guide
• Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
• Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship