Scarleteen

I’m 14 and I’ve kind of been struggling with this problem for the past few years (since I was about 8 or 9). I’ve got this scar down my upper lip, right below my nose and it veers a bit to the right side of my face. I’ve had it since I was 4 and never had any problems with it when I was younger, but then I moved to a new place, where I literally knew no one. A bunch of these kids from my neighborhood, bus, and school started asking me from an early age why I had it and if I was disabled (which seemed like a pretty stupid question to me). My parents tell me that it’s barely noticeable but people at school tell me otherwise. The bullying has stopped (for the most part) and I’ve made friends over the years that I still hang out with today. The thing is, my scar makes me feel really self conscious, especially after this boy named Christian called me ugly and told me that no one will ever think i’m pretty or date me. I know i’m young to be dating or to think about it, but I just think about those comments a lot and it kind of stops me from socializing with anyone I’ve liked, including a couple of friends. I spend hours a day looking in the mirror and pointing out all the things that are wrong with it and the asymmetry of it (my right eye is slightly smaller than the other and it’s eyebrow is more curved). Last week, a girl in my PE class told me a guy supposedly liked me and thought I was cute but when I looked further into it, they had been joking and it was a lie. It really made me feel like crap and I’ve never exactly had much self esteem or confidence in my looks or body to begin with. I’m sorry if my problem seems unimportant and stupid, but I really need help on how to fix it (or myself? I don’t know). I apologize if I’m wasting your time, and give you an eternally grateful thanks for reading this and helping me.

Hi AxlsSweet_Child,

I wouldn't say your problem is unimportant, and you're certainly not wasting our time by asking about it. It sounds like you're dealing both with nastiness from people in school and the way that nastiness is interacting with some existing feelings about your looks. That's a crummy combo to navigate.

Before we jump into the deeper stuff, I do want to say that the asymmetry you're noticing in your face is super common. In fact, almost nobody has a perfectly symmetrical face. I think those slight difference are neat because they help us look like, well, ourselves (even if, in my case, it means getting winged eyeliner to work is always a challenge).

I think it's also worth remembering that when peers decide to bully us they'll use anything they can come up with to make us feel like crud. Even if you looked like a supermodel, someone who wants to go after you will find a way to pick at you. Too, I feel pretty confident saying a scar won't ruin your chances of dating down the line; people tend to pick partners based on more than just one feature, and someone who's into you will very likely see the scar as a quirk that makes up the cool person they're into.

Since you mention some ongoing struggles with body confidence, would it be helpful to talk about some ways to build it? And do you feel like you could use some tools to address the nasty comments when they happen?