Masturbation

[Brennan8833]

I’m a 17 y/o girl and I can’t pleasure myself…

As a kid I always disliked doing stuff to myself and I never watched porn, I have gotten over that stuff I am now in a relationship and sexually active, but I can’t masturbate.

I enjoy sex with my partner (I like it but have never finished) but whenever I am alone I have to let my horniness pass. Don’t get me wrong I get in the mood but whenever I try and act on it my body dislikes it a lot but still in the mood if that makes sense. I don’t think it’s a dislike thing myself as I want to and I’m not grosses out by the idea or action but I just never get anywhere with it.

It’s a very odd situation and if you have any advice or tips I’d really appreciate it.

[Sam W]

Hi Brennan8833,

To make sure I'm understanding right, is it that when you try masturbating it doesn't feel pleasurable? And when you've tried masturbating in the past, do you tend to approach it the same way every time?

[Brennan8833]

No I’ve tried all different approaches but nothing seems to work.

[Elise]

Hi Brennan8833, thank you for clarifying this for us, and sorry to hear that you are having a frustrating time with masturbation at the moment. One thing that I'd like to reassure you about however is that this situation isn't odd at all, it's in fact quite a frequent occurrence that it can take a while to find what works to seek pleasure from masturbation, and our relationship to it can change throughout our lives. That said, I completely understand that this is still really frustrating, but hope that it helps to know that you are not at all alone in this.

Below are some things to think about that could help, do any of them sound useful or resonate with you?

Taking the pressure off:
One thing it is important to keep in mind is that our most important sex organ is in fact our brain, and if we're feeling stressed or putting pressure on ourselves to work out what works for us ASAP, it actually can act counterintuitively finding that pleasure, as our brain is preoccupied with feeling stressed. Whilst it might be a bit hard right now, it is best try and be patient with yourself, we're all different and so come to understand ourselves at different times.

Taking the pressure off yourself might look like taking some time off trying to masturbate, for a few days or however long you need, and doing things you enjoy and find recharge and relax you.

Taking the pressure off can also look like trying some of various ways of masturbating you've tried, but instead with a view to observe what they feel like and what you think of them at different times, rather than seek for them cause a orgasm, just observing how it is, and if something isn't feeling like your thing, giving yourself permission to try something else or move onto another relaxing non-sexual activity.

Ensuring that you're in a space where you can feel safe and relaxed:
Being in space where you feel safe, have privacy and can relax is really important too. This advice column answers a question similar to yours and has some more information about that: Why Does Masturbation Feel Weird?. There are also links to other articles on the main Scarleteen site that you might find useful too at the bottom of this article.

Remembering that masturbation doesn't have to be what you're into right now, or at all.
As with other aspects of sexuality, there is no "one size fits all" solution. If you're not feeling like masturbation is doing it for you today, next week or this year or at all, that's fine and it's not something you "must" do. If it doesn't bring pleasure, comfort or both to you, don't worry, do other things that bring you those things instead.

Do any of the points above sound like they are helpful to you? We're here to chat any of them through and to answer any further questions or curiosities you might have.