Scarleteen

Hi! So I'm a gay woman. I've never dated or hooked up with anyone before, but I'm open to the idea.

The problem is I basically have no idea how any of this works. At my previous school there wasn't a huge dating or hookup culture. For a variety of reasons, most of my close friends are cishet men. I also generally have a hard time opening up to people. This all means that I've never really had the experience of gossiping with friends about who we're interested in, or of just "falling" into a relationship with a close friend.

But now I'm in an environment where there's much more of a dating/hookup scene, and I don't know how to navigate it. For example, I'm pretty sure a new friend is flirting with me (inviting me to things, light physical contact, references to how we're both queer), and though they're someone who I'd absolutely want to get to know better as a friend, I don't think I'm interested in anything besides that with them. On the other hand, we've only known each other for about a week.

So basically, my questions are:
-What does it mean if someone asks you out? Like, I realize that saying yes isn't committing to a relationship or anything—but if it's just a chance to get to know each other better, is it deceptive to agree to a date if you weren't already into them?
-How do you reject someone? (I have some experience with this, but I don't think I handled it well in the past because I'm really afraid of hurting people.)
-Is there a non-douchey way to convey to someone that you're down for hookups but not a relationship? (Hypothetical.)
-How do I talk to my friends about this stuff??? I feel like they should be who I'm going to with these questions, but I've gotten really used to keeping it to myself.

Thanks!

These are all good questions, and I wish I had concrete answers for all of them, but a lot of these will vary from one person or situation to the next. The big, general answer I'd give to all of this is that it's good to practice good communication skills as much as possible: ask for clarification if you aren't sure what someone means, let them know what you're up for (or if you aren't sure yet and are still figuring something out), keep things kind but to the point if you're turning someone down.

One of the tricky things about flirting is that while there are some signals that commonly indicate flirtation, not everyone projects interest in the same way or is good at picking up the signals other people put out. The things you mention your new friend doing do sound like they could be flirtatious, for sure! I can also see someone who's a fairly tactile person acting this way without intending to be flirtatious.

If you aren't sure you're interested in this person in a dating sort of way, it's okay to interact with them however you feel most comfortable, and if they ask more directly, or try to initiate something directly, that's when you could clarify how you're feeling. I think the kindest way to reject someone is to say something like "I love spending time with you [or some other nice statement about them, assuming you DO enjoy that], but I'm not interested in you that way, sorry." I am also a person who hates to hurt people and I get that it's hard to do, but I think it's a kinder thing to be direct than to be noncommittal or to go on a date because you're worried about upsetting someone.

I think that same kind of direct statement is good for talking about being interested in hookups but not a relationship! You can say those exact words, or that you're only looking for something casual right now. I don't think that's douchey! I think it's much better to say that directly than to leave someone confused because you haven't talked about what you both want.

When it comes to talking to your friends, I wonder if asking about how your friends' dating or relationship situations are going could lead into some conversations in which you feel like you can open up about your own feelings a bit. It's not easy to start opening up more when you aren't used to it, but I hope you'll be able to. Maybe pinpoint a friend or two who you trust the most?

Whew, I know this was a long answer, but I wanted to address most of what you posted here!