Is it internalised homophobia?

[Helena]

I am a 23 year old girl who has never been in a relationship or had sex. Since I finished middle school I have realised that I am not straight, as my first crush on someone was on a girl. I call myself bisexual, although I can't fully understand my sexual orientation. Sometimes I think I am gay, sometimes even straight.
For eight years I have known a girl who is my best friend. In the last two years something has changed between us. Our relationship is deep, we understand each other completely, we love each other, we confide everything in each other, we even call each other soul mates, we talk about the future, we talk about living together. But... We've never talked about sex. Until yesterday. She asked me if we could try to have a sexual relationship and I said yes. But now I'm confused. I'm terrified. What if I'm not sexually attracted to her? What if I'm straight? What if I can never get used to seeing her that way? I mean our relationship has always been platonic, so maybe it's hard to turn it into something sexual overnight? What if I screw it up and lose the most important person in my life? I have crazy anxiety. I'm a very insecure person and I don't like my body. What if I disgust her?
When I'm with her I always want to be close to her, I want to take her hand, caress her, hug her, I make excuses to touch her, and I feel our contact as if it were "amplified". But... I don't think it's really sexual attraction? Or is it? Am I just holding back? Am I just trying to escape? Is it internalized homophobia I feel? Am I in denial?

[Sam W]

Hi Helena,

Ooof, it sounds like you have a lot of big feelings you're trying to sort through around this. One thing that may help is to separate your worries about being sexual with your friend from your more general feelings about your orientation. If it helps, what you're describing doesn't sound like internalized homophobia; that usually describes negative feelings about ourselves or other queer people based on homophobic messages we received and internalized. For you, it sounds more like there's a lot of anxiety and uncertainty rather than negativity. You mention being unsure about your orientation. Can you say a little more about that?

With your friend, it may help to do two things; first, talk with her about how anxious this is making you and say that while you initially agreed, you need more time to think. Does that feel like something you can do? Second is to take some time to think about what kind of relationship you do want with her. Do you want to explore more physical intimacy, maybe some that's not sexual? Do you want to try dating her? Something else?

I also want to touch on those feelings about your body. Are there specific things that make you dislike your body or make you afraid a partner would be disgusted by it?

[Helena]

Thank you for your reply!

In my early teens I always had crushes on girls. But I still thought that sooner or later a boy would come along and I would fall in love with him and have a life like everyone else.
I had dates but it never went any further. I kissed both girls and boys, but I didn't like it because they were basically strangers. My biggest problem I think is my insecurity. My low self-esteem. I've always run away from relationships. I never allowed myself to try, to be vulnerable with someone, until I realised that I actually could with her. I talk about everything with her, I make myself vulnerable. I open up completely to her and I feel safe. I trust her.

I've always had doubts about my sexuality, to the point of wondering if I'm asexual. Because sometimes when I imagine having sex with someone I'm afraid of being rejected or being disgusted by another person's naked body myself. I fear that I will end up in bed with the wrong sex.

Would it be bad to try even though I am so confused? Maybe getting some experience will help me. The problem is that I definitely don't want to make her suffer, or for something like this to ruin our relationship if it ends badly.

Of course I will talk to her about my feelings and my anxiety.

I think that like many other people my main insecurity is my genitals. And I feel very anxious about the idea that the most important person in my life is disgusted by my body.

[Sam W]

This is all really helpful background, thank you!

Can you give me a sense of what kind of messages you grew up with around queerness, or what kinds of ones you tend to encounter now? For instance, are there lots of other LGBTQ folks in your social circles?

I wonder if it would help to ask yourself some of the questions from the "how do you know" section of this article might help: The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone. Or, alternatively, does it feel like it would take some of the stress away to just decide that right now you're questioning and that's an okay space to be in?

Given everything you're feeling, not only about your orientation but about sex and self-esteem in general, I would hold off on sex with her for awhile. I'd also think about--if you had a magic wand that made everything how you wanted it--what kind of relationship would you like to have with her.

Genitals can certainly be a source of anxiety for people. In fact, it's common enough that we address those feelings in these pieces: Vagzilla! (Or, All Genitals Great and Small), Give'em Some Lip: Labia That Clearly Ain't Minor. When you read those, do they bring up any particular reactions for you?

Something that can also help with those fears around your body is to remember that someone who's into you to the point you're getting naked around each other is, with very rare exceptions, not going to care too much about what your genitals look like, because they're going to be too dang excited at the fact they get to see you, the person they care about and desire, naked.