Masturbation, abuse, and orgasm (lack)

[Whispermae]

Okay, so hi, this is probably going to take a while, as I've never tried to even organise this but here goes -
I'm 20 years old and I'm a female. I've had no sex education (apart from the compulsory reproduction chapter taught by a red - faced teacher in Grade 10). However, I have been assaulted a bunch of times as a teenager. These assaults involved adult men in positions of power putting their hands on my breasts. It was never painful and always over clothes and never for very long, so I have trouble even describing it as assault, even though I know that's what it is. I have this weird idea that only if someone touches my vaginal area then it's "real" sexual assault.
Moving on. I grew up learning that "the three letter s word" was something one avoided if they didn't want to be labelled a pervert. I now know what a regressive idea that is, and am quite determined to pass on to my younger sibling and cousins that sex - as well as talking about it - are absolutely okay! Also, my genital area was associated with shame (a medical condition caused me to wet the bed nearly every night till I was 12) as well as sadness (as a close adult said my vulva was ugly when I was a small child).
When I was 15 years old, my tuition sir "gently" and repeatedly touched me. I know how unbelievable it sounds that at the age of 15 I didn't know what was happening - but I truly didn't know it had anything to do with sex. I thought he liked me, and I felt special.
That summer, I read an erotic book for the first time and felt sexual arousal for the first time in my life. It felt secret, but in a joyful, powerful way, an exciting discovery, nothing bad or perverted. Later that year, I went to therapy for my anxiety, and my "therapist" medically, psychologically, and sexually abused me relentlessly for a year (although again, my vagina was never touched). Her methods included brainwashing, threatening and gaslighting among others; I obediently went back to that hospital over and over again, until I was nearly 18 years old and I decided enough was enough.
A lot of her abuse was centred around masturbation, specifically, touching my genitals with my fingers. I had never masturbated in my life, and now I never wanted to - but I did want to feel sexual pleasure, so I found a work - around. The water faucet felt good on my private parts, it built and built until I had an orgasm. I was shocked beyond belief - it was nothing but pleasure, pushing everything else out of my mind but the incredible sensations I never knew I was capable of feeling.
Okay, now to the problem. That was my first and last orgasm. I have tried the faucet multiple times, different positions, a vibrator, my fingers, oil, a toy in my vagina - and nothing ever works. Nothing. Ever. No matter what.
It's not like I feel nothing. I do feel sensation there when spraying water in that area. It's kind of good - nothing like that first time, though. And it builds to a point where my vagina starts to sort of involuntarily clench, tightening and contracting, and then all feeling stops.
I know this isn't an orgasm because I've had a proper one and this is nothing like it. I'm so desperately frustrated that I feel like crying. I've read so many things about female arousal, anorgasmia, medical stuff and stuff for trauma survivors and everything I could find. I keep reading how the clitoris is supposed to feel so good when touched, but it doesn't for me. At all. It feels weird and uncomfortable no matter how much oil I use. And if I keep going it starts getting painful, like there's ice chipping at my clitoris. My vibrator doesn't feel good at all, and nor does penetration. The only thing that feels even remotely not horrible is the faucet. I can understand why - the faucet was my "safe" way of masturbating, but why can't I have an orgasm with it then?
Also I have started having these dreams. Dreams of having sex with boys from my class, and they always feel really good, but never like I'm satisfied. And with the good feelings there's an awful sadness especially because in the dreams they're being so nice.
So I know my body can get aroused. I know it isn't a physical thing. I know I am capable of having an orgasm.
I have done so much to try and fix this. I've watched porn, listened to erotic audio, read stories that are supposed to "make you orgasm instantly", and nothing. I've tried thinking of people I find sexy, telling myself it's perfectly healthy and natural to let myself have these feelings, but I just can't. I can't let go no matter how much I want to, and it's driving me insane.
Please help.

[Sam W]

Hi Whispermae,

I think you and I spoke in chat yesterday, and I'm so glad you came here for some additional support!

Given the amount of abuse you've survived and that some of it was explicitly tied to masturbation, I think that resulting trauma is probably at the heart of the issues you're having now with masturbation. Our brains play such a big role in our sexual response that even if you want to masturbate, you feel safer and even a little aroused, that trauma is going to make it much, much harder to experience pleasure.

It sounds like you've done a lot of research and reading on your own about how to address this, which is an awesome. Have you ever sought out local resources for survivors, like a rape crisis center, where you could get support or therapy to help you start healing from the abuse? If so, how did that go?

I do want to say that it's possible you are having an orgasm with the faucet at times; some of what you're describing physically matches with orgasm. Part of why it may not feel as intense as that first one is that orgasm intensity can actually vary from instance to instance, and some can feel pretty mild.

[Whispermae]

Hi Sam,
We don't have local crisis resources for abuse survivors where I live. Yes, I went for therapy, but none of it ever addressed the sexual part of it (partly because I was too terrified, partly because no matter how many hints I dropped they just didn't seem to get it.)
Probably should also say I've been diagnosed with PTSD (complex) and am on psychiatric medication, as well as having a bunch of physical medical issues to do with my reproductive system.
I could never go to a rape crisis center even if there was one. I wouldn't steal the attention away from those who really need it. I've never been raped. When I was very little, preschool age, I was hurt in my anal region by an adult, but I'm not sure how purposeful that was, and I'm pretty sure nothing went inside so that isn't rape. What do I call it then, do you know? Can I say it's sexual assault? I've never told anyone this so specifically so it's really important to me that you tell me what words I can use for it... I was forbidden words for so long...
Also if it's not too much trouble could you please address the whole sexual dreams thing, cause it's making me very upset?
What would you suggest to get aroused?

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're getting some support and treatment around the PTSD. Does that support continue to include therapy? And when it comes to accessing resources specifically for survivors, would you be open to a remote one, like an online space or a phone line?

I will say that everything you've told us falls well under the definition of sexual assault (rape)/sexual abuse; those acts are defined as being sexual touches or sexual use of another person, and they don't have to explicitly involve genitals to be "counted" as sexual assault. So, in that vein, a rape crisis resource would be something designed to serve you. And as someone who worked in those services, I promise you that you using them wouldn't be stealing attention from people who "really" needed help; the clients I worked with had a variety of things happen to them, but they were all equally deserving of help because everyone who survives abuse or sexual assault deserves help. Does that make sense?

As far as the dreams, are you upset by the subject matter or by the fact that they're creating some level of arousal but without that arousal leading to orgasm?

When it comes to arousal itself, I would actually start by seeing if you can try some of the things in this article to reconnect with fantasy and desire in a way that matches your needs: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

[Whispermae]

Hi Sam,
No, I'm not in therapy, and I would like online resources, if you could please refer some?
What you wrote with the slashes and brackets confused me. Did you mean it falls under sexual assault, abuse, or rape? I thought rape is only when something goes inside? I remember being six and how disgusting it felt. I feel like I owe that scared girl some answers, she kept it secret so long.
I know logically that I deserve help, but I wouldn't know where to get it.
As for the dreams, I don't think it's about the arousal or lack of orgasm. In fact, I don't think it's physical at all. I think it's more of a representation of my emotional wants/needs, to have sex that involves pleasure, love and safety. And I'm upset because I feel like I'll never have that. And I'm angry and embarrassed. I hate that he (a boy I don't like at all) made me have such feelings. In fact, the last thing he ever said to me was that I was dead (not counting the apology his mother forced out of his mouth).
I read the article about arousal but couldn't relate or connect to any of it.. What do you think is a good next step?

[Nicole]

Hi Whispermae,

I want to start by expressing how sorry I am for what you've experienced. You're incredibly strong for reaching out and sharing your experiences. To explain what Sam said, what you've endured falls under sexual assault, which is an umbrella term and often intertwined with rape and sexual abuse. From what you have described, your experiences could fall into these categories. With that, a rape crisis resource would be able to assist you. Everything you have gone through is extremely important and valid, you will not be taking away attention and resources from anyone. Also, there has always been a massive misconception about what is defined as rape since it is often associated with penetration, but it can also involve other unwanted sexual activities. I hope this makes sense.

I have reached out to my staff/volunteer members to find you some good and credible online rape crisis resources since they might be more knowledgeable.

After reading about your dreams and thoughts about sex involving "pleasure, love, and safety," it made me think about my own experiences as a survivor of sexual assault. We're the same age so I hope that sharing my experiences might help. After experiencing sexual assault on multiple occasions, I also assumed that I would never have a sexual experience on the premises of pleasure, love, and safety. I was genuinely afraid of moving forward in relationships and life in general because I did not want to endure sexual assault ever again. I was also extremely embarrassed and ashamed. You're certainly not alone in this. It truly took a lot of time to find someone who helped me achieve those feelings in sexual activities. I also had to find the energy and effort to heal myself.

With all of this in mind, it seems as though fantasies involving "pleasure, love, and safety" may be in your best interest for arousal. To ask bluntly, have you ever involved these emotions in fantasies when masturbating?

Please let me know if any of this resonates with you. I will make another response with online rape crisis resources once my fellow staff/volunteer members get back to me!

[Whispermae]

Hi Nicole,
I couldn't think of anything while masturbating - I physically can't, because I don't know how to. My abuser, or "the offender" as my extremely useless social worker calls her, made sure of that. Part of my PTSD is seeing flashes and hearing voices in my mind, so sometimes I do see things like a girl and a boy embracing without clothes, or hear someone crying quietly, and I can feel the sensations, but only in ordinary situations like crossing the road or sitting in class, never while masturbating.
I should also say that I was in a "sort of on-again-off-again" thing with my good friend (also room mate)'s elder brother. The brother, who I'll call Ron, and I often made out while lying down (fully clothed in the park). I really enjoyed it when he kissed my neck, but I was too shy to ask him to do that more, because in our repressive culture "decent" girls don't do that and he comes from a very conservative family.
Anyway, I realised we weren't a good match (either physically or emotionally) so I broke it off. I don't feel ready to have penetrative sex just yet, and anything anal is completely and totally off the table because of what happened to me when I was six - but I really would like to explore other sexual activities. But I'm not the sort of person to ask a stranger and I don't have a partner so I'm not sure what to do about that...
Thanks in advance!

[Sam W]

Hi Whispermae,

As far as online or remote resources go, I would start with this list to see if there are any that would work for you: https://agentsofishq.com/post/mental-help-resources. I think the Alternative Histories organization listed there may be one of the better starting places; they seem very inclusive and have a sex positive approach, which means asking them for help or for a referral to a survivor specific resources might be easier than at a more traditional provider.

In terms of exploring other sexual activities, I think focusing on masturbation for now and getting familiar with your body and your desires on your own terms is the thing to focus on. When you say you don't know how to think of things during it, do you mean that you don't even know where to start with what fantasies might be enjoyable? Or is it more that whenever you try to fantasize, bad or unwanted thoughts immediately come to the front of your mind?