Scarleteen

Hi!

So I've been watching porn and masturbating...almost every single day since I was 14. I'm 26, gay guy now in a new happy fulfilling relationship! I thought this habit would disappear once I fall in love and it is much less frequent but it is still here. I do have a really active and fun and amazing and fulfilling sex life with my boyfriend, but on top of that I still feel the extra need to masturbate watching porn. I'm afraid that sometimes I look forward to masturbation more than to sex (even though it is amazing). I can get it hard and cum with my partner, but it feels like I need to focus to get myself to orgasm when I'm having sex. And emotionally it is better, but sexually I feel like my orgasms are stronger when I masturbate (but only if I'm watching porn, no difference in orgasm intensity if I masturbate without porn). I'm scared this becomes a bigger problem than it is right now and every time I try going cold turkey, I relapse right away. Only time when I go even for weeks without porn for some reason is when I'm traveling.

I could really use some help with this problem, but these nofap subreddits have a huge catholic puritistic masturbation-is-a-sin component which I'm honestly not comfortable with.

I definitely hear you on not liking the weird "masturbation is bad" messaging of online spaces like the nofap reddit! I don't think that's a helpful or healthy approach to handling masturbation even if you want to cut down for other reasons.

There is a lot of talk about "addiction" to porn, sex, masturbation, etc. but I honestly don't think that's a very helpful or accurate way to approach the issue. For one thing, masturbating when you're in a relationship or looking at porn when masturbating aren't inherently bad things! You don't have to stop doing either one. Masturbation is a valid part of your sexual life, and can fulfill different sexual needs or desires than partnered sex can. During masturbation it's fine to focus entirely on your own pleasure and experience, for example.

Do you feel like masturbation takes time away from other things you want to be doing? Does it feel difficult to stop if you decide you want to take a break from it for a while? If that's the case, it may be helpful to approach this as a compulsive behavior, and look for resources for managing it from that angle.

Thank you for your reply!

I absolutely agree that masturbation is an important part of my sexual behavior whether I'm in a relationship or not.

While I don't feel it takes away from other things I want to be doing (though I probably would be more motivated to do other things if I'd stop), I sometimes feel that my need to masturbate is a compulsion rather than a real sexual need. And it worries me that sometimes it feels better than sex and that sometimes I need more time to reach orgasm than my partner. I've tried taking breaks, but I'd never manage to last even a week.

Hi!
It can be hard to control when we’re aroused sometimes, which may be why sometimes it feels more like a compulsion than a need. Im going to include an article that may have some helpful information:
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... sturbation

Masturbation may feel better than sex because you know yourself best! This doesn’t mean that something is wrong, you know what feels good to you. Sexual experiences vary between partners, even when we’re our own partner. It also could be helpful to communicate with a sexual partner about what exactly feels good to you. In terms of time to reach orgasm, is there a particular reason that this worries you?

The longer it takes me to reach orgasm, more pressured (only in my head, not by my partner) to orgasm I feel and harder it is to do it. And sometimes I need to think of porn scenes in order to cum with my partner. I think I might be too used to having new visual stimuli everytime I masturbate and maybe that's why it is harder to do it with my partner even though I find him very attractive. But I would definitely like to cut the compulsory masturbation at least a bit since I feel it might be hurting my sex life with my boyfriend, but even being really motivated to do it, it is still so. hard. to do it.

Hi andrej!

The self-produced pressure to orgasm is the worst! The cycle of feeling pressured makes it so much harder to feel pleasure in the moment. I wonder if there are some ways that you can help yourself take that pressure off in the moment, like reminding yourself that it’s okay not to orgasm during sex. There’s also no rule about fantasizing or visualizing when having sex with your partner! It doesn’t reflect anything about your attraction to your partner.

I also get that it’s hard not to compare orgasms during partnered sex to orgasms with masturbation. Echoing what coral said, it’s okay that they don’t feel the same. You could also talk to your partner about incorporating masturbation as part of sex together.

Do you mind sharing a bit more about how masturbation might be hurting your sex life with your boyfriend? Is it something you talk about together?

Yes, thank you so much for understanding! I'm actually relieved that it's not that bad I sometimes fantasize about something else while having sex. I just wonder if it's bad if it's some porn scenes.

I'm afraid my erections could become less strong and last for shorter amount of time. I'm also afraid that I might lose them if I masturbate too hard (I think it's called a death grip syndrome).

I talk to my boyfriend about sex a lot, but somehow I feel really embarrassed telling anyone I might be struggling with porn addiction and compulsive masturbation.

Hey andrej,

Fantasizing about things you've seen in porn isn't bad. In terms of "death grip syndrome" and fearing that your erections could be affected by masturbation, here's a little excerpt from the article I linked a few replies back:

"Masturbation will not:
-Cause blindness, headaches, or vision problems
-Cause hair to grow on your palms (but wouldn't that be a cool trick?) or give you zits
-Make your genitals shrink or grow, or change their sensitivity, color, texture, or appearance (beyond temporary changes often brought on by sexual arousal and/or sensation like erection, deeper color and heightened sensitivity)
-Stunt your general growth or the development of your sexual organs, or make you more or less fertile
-Become addictive (some people are or become sexually compulsive, and that can include masturbation, but that's not the same thing as addiction)
-Cause injury or harm (when done safely—obviously, sticking a penis in a vacuum hose, or using an electric vibrator in a bathtub isn’t real swift and would likely cause injury)
-Change the size or shape of your genitals"

Talking about masturbation can be uncomfortable for some people and that's understandable- for many people it's a private experience. Honesty and communication is also important between partners, and if you feel that masturbation is affecting your relationship then it might be worth bringing up. Can you think of any ways you could introduce the topic into a conversation naturally?

In this article, it says that I can't change the sensitivity of my genitals, but I've read a lot elsewhere that I can get desensitized to a looser grip than my own hand. So that is not correct?

Hi,
You can get used to orgasming in a particular way or with certain stimuli that may make it more difficult to orgasm using other methods. However, it won't affect sensitivity of the genitals. You may be used to certain methods, making other methods feel not as good. Does that make sense?

It does! But is it also dangerous in some way for my sex life? That it makes me harder to achieve orgasm and enjoy sex with a partner?

Hmm I'm wondering now whether all information about dangers of porn I had were plain propaganda even if they didn't seem radical to me at a time.

Hiya andrej,

Perhaps it's helpful to look at this from another angle - as you say, you've already been masturbating for 12 years and you have a sex life with your boyfriend that you find fulfilling in a lot of ways. Based on that alone, it seems pretty unlikely that continuing to masturbate is going to somehow break your sex life, you know?

You're right, there is a LOT of propaganda out there on the dangers of porn and yeah it has pro's and con's but what doesn't?

I wonder if it's helpful to start asking yourself a different set of questions. As Mo said, if you feel like your desire to masturbate is really intrusive then you can approach that as a stand-alone issue like any other compulsive behaviour. I wonder though, what questions you start asking if you focus on your sex life with your partner all by itself. Are you happy with it? Is there something specific you'd like to change or want support from us with? You've mentioned having less intense orgasms with your partner, and I want to reassure you that it's not weird to need to focus on yourself and what you're feeling to orgasm in partnered sex, but is there something there that you want to talk about?

You've all been very helpful and thank you so very much. I feel like I might have been looking at this issue from the wrong perspective and that things might actually be...perfect and that I might be creating problems when there aren't any.

I would still appreciate some advice on how to restrain myself from masturbating even when I don't have a real sexual urge to do it, just compulsion?

I have noticed that my orgasms with my partner are better if I don't masturbate for a day or two.

I'm glad you're finding our conversations here helpful!

If you haven't already read this article, you might find some of the advice on not acting on the urge to masturbate when you don't really want to: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _the_first

Thank you so much. Honestly, just changing perspective and being less worried about masturbating and porn felt liberating