Scarleteen

So I've found that cis guys are pretty much expected to have a inherent intuitive concept of self-pleasure that I, to some extent, don't seem to really have. I'm 15, and though I know how to give myself an erection, but I don't really know where arousal or pleasure goes from there. I haven't reached orgasm, though I have pre-ejaculated. A combination of privacy problems and time problems are making any sexual activity pretty inconvenient. I haven't really developed sexual attraction yet, and I'm depressed which I know can reduce libido. Any advice? Thanks!

Hi and welcome to Scarleteen, hello_world!

The stereotype that cis men intuitively know what brings them pleasure really sucks, yeah, because it is absolutely not true for all cis men, or for people with penises in general. You're not alone, by any means. I'd recommend taking a look at this article for the basics of masturbation: Going Solo, and there's a number of other articles linked to that one that you may find helpful wrt the mechanics of the process.

Now, as you'll read on there, your physiological arousal doesn't hold a candle to the role that your brain plays in sexual pleasure, especially during masturbation. Given your circumstances (privacy and time issues, depression, sexual attraction not being a possibility for you at the moment), I understand that it may be difficult to get into a mindspace that's conducive to consistent arousal. Self-pleasure depends on all these things much more than it depends on blood flow to the penis, unfortunately. Knowing what gives you an erection is a start, though, and building up from there is possible. What do you do, usually, to obtain an erection and pre-ejaculate? Do those sensations stop feeling good or having any impact after a point?

Thanks for your response!

Yeah, it seems like I have a pretty easy time experiencing things that are physiologically arousing, but there's a lot of psychological problem in regards to anxiety, privacy problems, etc. I have no problem getting erect, usually through being naked, touching myself, or reading about sexual stuff. I've tried masturbating mostly by touching or rubbing my penis. Something that's been really arousing is embracing my pillow while naked, I guess because I'm touch-starved. Usually I do this while I'm supposed to be sleeping, which is a really bad idea because I could already probably use some more sleep but it does help with privacy. My arousal is a bit of a difficult topic to define, especially when I'm spending a lot of time with different psychological and physiological arousal states.

Hi hello_world -- do you want to say more about your anxiety or your privacy problems? It sounds like this has pretty large impact on you right now.

Anxiety is probably a bit more of a general mental health thing, so I'll talk about privacy.
Neither my bathroom nor bedroom door has a lock, though my mom(who I live alone with) probably won't enter the bathroom unannounced, though that's something that she will most likely enter my room without a big possibility of denial. She thinks I spend a lot of my time holed up in my room, as opposed to helping her or going outside, and she's most likely right. Except on weekends, my mom's mostly at home while I am. I guess my situations probably not a lot worse than that of other people who live with their parents. Raising the topic with her is not out of question, but it's not something that I'd feel ecstatic doing. She doesn't really talk about sex with me at all, or give me the indication that she would be okay with discussing it. I get the feeling that she wouldn't feel like I should be at my "location" in my sexuality at this age, but I think I trust her to be understanding with it.

Hey hello_world!

It sucks that you don't have locks available to you, I totally understand how that kills masturbation prospects. And yes, if you're concerned that your mom may enter your room unannounced at any point, that's definitely a mood ruiner, along with the fact that she already thinks you spend too much time in there. Let's talk about the weekends--if your mom isn't at home then, are the weekends a feasible time for you to masturbate? Or are there other people at home then?

I personally think it's commendable that you don't feel entirely uncomfortable with the thought of letting your mom know that you'd like more privacy to masturbate, even if she'd be mildly disapproving (that conversation is often not a possibility for many people who live with their parents, especially minors!), so kudos! We'd be happy to help you figure out the best way of talking to her about it.

I mean, privacy really isn't all of it. Even when I both have enough time and enough privacy that neither are really an issue, I still have trouble with masturbation. I think that though I have a "conscious" desire, I don't really have an "emotional" backbone for that. I guess I don't have a very pleasurable relationship with my libido, I tend to experience it as either consumptive and compulsive or fruitless and mechanical. I might just not be at a place in my life where I have authentic emotional arousal. I might need to develop an overall healthier emotional self or at least be at a different place before my intellectual interest(perhaps edging on obligation) to masturbate can really combine with spontaneous, enthusiastic arousal.

Hey there, hello_world.

I'm curious: these conflicts that you're having, are they also conflicts when it comes to exploring pleasure that isn't just genital? In other worlds, it sounds to me like you might benefit from some more holistic exploration anyway, with a wider focus, that might make things feel less compulsive and mechanical, like you talked about. And perhaps that kind of exploration -- more whole-body stuff, might also be things where the needs for the kind of time and kind of privacy expressly genital masturbation aren't the same? In other words, exploring pleasure that's about your whole body, or about more than just genital stimulation, can involve being outside your room, doesn't have to be so private or hidden.

Might that be something you could consider exploring? It seems to me it might be a good fit for you all around.

I am interested in what you're saying about a less genital-focused sexual view (do you have any materials on that subject?), but I feel like there is to some extent a larger issue. Independent of whatever my sexual activity is, I don't really have the underpinnings of emotional arousal that can make it anything more than the inscrutable motions of an arcane ritual. I have physical arousal reactions, and I have the intent to masturbate, but I'm not sure I'm every entirely feeling "pleasure" or "arousal" in the sense that people are talking about it.

Hi hello_world, yes we have an article about exploring and understanding what brings you pleasure from a whole-body approach, here: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment. It also delves into the concept of fulfillment, which you may find useful. After you have a read, let us know what thoughts, questions or curiosities this raises, if you feel comfortable doing so.

You may also find this article, which talks about the broad range of attributes that make up someone's sexuality, helpful: Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?

Thanks for all of the articles! After having read them, it seems like what's most likely going on is an overall complicated, ambiguous relationship to positive emotions, not just pleasure or sexual arousal. I'd classify it as a bit of a "detachment" that makes it pretty hard for me to understand positive emotions in ways deeper than intellectual understanding.

You've worded it very well, I'm glad that the articles helped you articulate what's probably going on. Are any positive outlets coming to mind, wrt developing a more intimate relationship with full-body pleasure? What activities bring you joy, or have historically brought you joy?

I'd say that one of the (limited) things that's been bringing me passion is music. I've been thinking of going deeper into it, possibly singing some songs or doing some lyrics writing, especially during weekends when I don't have much to do.

That sounds lovely! I have no doubt that that'll help redirect your energies. Creativity sparks major joy.