Masturbation questions

[Otter8]

Hello I am 13 and had a few questions about masturbation. Lately I’ve been wanting to do it about 2-3 times a day is this normal? I find that my skin is quite tight when I do it too so I’m not sure if the way I’m doing it is right.

Also I find it hard to find privacy in my house, is there any good places to do it were my family won’t see or hear me?

[Carly]

Hey Otter8 -- welcome to Scarleteen! I don't think you need to be concerned about how much you're masturbating right now. There really isn't such a thing as a "normal" amount of masturbation, as long as you aren't hurting yourself and it isn't getting in the way of things you need to do or want to do. Unfortunately I don't know what your home is like so I can't give any specific advice on where you can avoid your family seeing or hearing you. Do you have your own room in your home? Many people will use the privacy of their room to masturbate.

Can you clarify what you mean by your skin is tight when you masturbate? Are you talking about skin on your genitals (perhaps foreskin), or skin somewhere else on your body? Just want to make sure!

[Otter8]

Thank you for the reply. I have a room although it’s also used as a guest room for when we have guests. So a lot of the time I don’t have privacy and even when there is no body here my door doesn’t fully close.

I live with my mum and older sister and I am way to embarrassed to talk to my mum about anything like this.

I feel like I have tight skin on my genitals I can still do it but I don’t know if I’m doing it right because I can’t pull back too much.

[Urna]

Hi Otter8,

I'm sorry that you don't have privacy, and I can understand that even when you're alone in the house, you may be wary of using a room whose door doesn't fully close. Is there a time of day, say nighttime, when you can be sure that no one will walk into your room? I'd suggest locking yourself inside the bathroom to masturbate, but I guess that that is risky at any time of day because you never know when someone might need to go.

I think this post may help you out a little bit: How Can I Masturbate Without My Parents Knowing?. I do understand, of course, that talking to parents about wanting privacy to masturbate is super awkward. But by any chance if you do want to try talking to her about it, we would be happy to help you figure out the best way to have that conversation, so let us know.

It's completely normal to not be able to pull your foreskin back too much, so don't worry. Does it ever hurt? You could try reading this article to get more info: A Foreskin Foray.

[Otter8]

Thanks Urna. The safest time is night but It still feels weird because my mum and sister is awake still when I go to bed, and they can go past my room quite a lot. I can still sometimes but I don’t feel relaxed. I haven’t done it in a bathroom before I don’t know if you meant my own bathroom or just anywhere? Do people do it in other places or is it just their bedrooms? I think I would get worried in case someone heard me but I’m not sure or if I took to long

I think I would like to talk to my mum about it that would be useful thanks. The only person I’ve sort of talked to about it is my best friend when I was at his house a few weeks ago. He asked if I wanted to do it with him next to each other. I’m not sure though if that’s ok or normal so I said I’d think about it. Is this normal?

That’s good to know that it’s normal not to be able to pull back too far. It can hurt but only if I go too far back quickly

[Emily N]

Hi Otter8!

Yep, it can be a struggle to find privacy to enjoy masturbation without being concerned about someone hearing you or accidentally interrupting! And it doesn’t feel as good if you aren’t relaxed. People masturbate in a wide variety of places - it’s mostly about where you feel comfortable! (The exception is, it’s not a good idea to masturbate in the same room as others at the same time without their consent.) Bathrooms in your home can be a good place mostly because it’s more likely to ensure privacy - you could also try while in the shower. As far as making sure others don’t hear you, if you have access to a fan or a way to turn music or tv on, that could mask some sounds. It’s also more likely that you perceive yourself as much louder than other people would because you are more conscious of any noise you are making.

If you want to bring up masturbation with your mum, it would be helpful to identify what your goals for the conversation are. For example, do you want to talk to her about having more privacy or do you want to talk to her about questions related to masturbation? It sounds like a good place to start would be to ask her if there are ways you can have more privacy at home - a way to shut your door, a way to signal you don’t want to be disturbed, access to a fan (this can be unrelated to masturbation, too).

This article “About that talk with your parents” gives a good framework about talking about puberty, sex, and sexuality with your parents if you want somewhere to start!

I’m glad you were able to talk to someone else about masturbation! To your question about whether or not it is “normal” to masturbate next to your friend, whether we consider something “normal” isn’t a great indicator of whether it’s something we would actually enjoy or not (ie drinking coffee every morning can be considered “normal” but I don’t enjoy caffeine so I don’t do it. Eating soup for breakfast might not be considered “normal” but I love it, so I do!). As with all decisions about our bodies, I would encourage you to make sure that masturbating with your friend is something you genuinely want to do and not just because he asked you to. Does that make sense? Do you want to talk through how you’re feeling about it?

[Otter8]

Thank you Emily. I would like to talk through how I feel about it if that’s ok. I could try in the bathroom the only problem is that I think I take a while like it usually takes me about 25 minutes but sometimes up to 45 is this a normal time? I am a bit paranoid if someone needed to use the toilet but I could try still. Do people do it when they’re sat on the toilet or standing up? Sorry if that’s a dumb question haha. Also is it ok to do it in other bathrooms with a lock or not? I don’t think I would because I take to long but just curious. At the moment I only do it once every few days but really feel like doing it more when I can.

I would say it’s hard to tell how noisy it is and I get paranoid. I did have a fan during summer but it’s now autumn so it’s out of my room. Is there any ways to be quieter?

I think I would be too embarrassed to tell her I masturbate so probably just say I would like more privacy. Although she might guess what for which is still embarrassing. I’ll read that article though.

I am not to sure about my friend, I don’t think Im attracted to him or other boys but I am curious. Mostly curious about what he looks like and how he does it and I think it’s the same for him. I do have a fear of being seen in the nude and I’m very shy in general which makes it harder. I guess I have a few insecurities about myself but at the same time I do think I want to do it also he gets more privacy in his house. Do you have any ideas on what I should do there?

[Emily N]

I can see why the bathroom isn’t the best spot if you want to make sure you can take your time (which is important for feeling relaxed!) There’s no “normal” amount of time for masturbation, it’s totally up to what feels good for you and your body! And you can masturbate in whatever position you like best - sitting on the toilet, standing, there’s no one way. Basically, the how/where/when/with who people masturbate varies widely! I want to share this article - “Am I Normal? Who Cares?” I reference it all the time to calm myself down when I get worried if I’m being “normal”.

I understand it’s hard not to feel paranoid about noise. Would you feel comfortable keeping the fan in your room even though it’s autumn? You could say that you want to use it to get more circulation, or to create white noise for studying etc. As far as being quieter, I don’t know of any specific tricks other than being aware of your own sounds (which can be distracting). But I also want to reiterate what I said in my last post - you probably think you are being louder than you are!

I understand about feeling insecurities too - it’s hard not to feel insecurities in a world that has so many ways of telling us how we should look and what we should do with/to our bodies. If you want to talk more about those feelings, we can do that here too. As far as ideas of what to do at your friends house - it’s totally understandable to be curious! I don’t have any specific ideas for you because I think it’s most important that you decide in what ways you do and don’t feel comfortable exploring.

If you have other questions about masturbation, I recommend this article - “Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation”. Of course, you can keep asking questions here too!

[Otter8]

Thank you for the articles and advice. I found both articles to be very useful and interesting. And they make me want to explore it more often. It also makes me feel less bad about it which is good. I think I will still try the bathroom because at least it has a lock so I won’t be interrupted although someone might knock if I have been a long time, I’m not sure how I would deal with that. Bit of a embarrassing question but do people go to the bathroom to use the toilet then masturbate? I feel like that could be a good way to hide it.

I’m going to ask my mum today if I can have the fan in my room, I’ve been ill from school the past couple of days so I feel like I have a reason to ask for the fan.

I think it would be really useful to talk about insecurities if that’s ok? Is there a more private chat with just one person here or is that not allowed? I just think it would be easier to talk to one person but I don’t mind too much

I think I do want to try it with my friend I’ve known him for a long time and he’s my best friend so it feels less scary, is there a good way to bring it up to him though? I feel a bit awkward just asking even though he has a asked before. I think it could be good for someone to see my stuff it might make me feel a bit better in myself. Although I feel like it will be awkward to be in the nude next to him because We’ve never been before

[Coral]

Hi!

In terms of using the bathroom and then masturbating, I'm sure some people definitely do that. I agree that it could be a good way to get some privacy as well!
About your friend- there's no perfect way to bring it up, but since you mentioned that he suggested it initially, I wouldn't worry too much! I'd suggest being direct about it if possible. It's up to you if you feel like this is something you'd be comfortable doing!
For a more private conversation, check out the top of the Scarleteen page. Under "ask for help", there's options for live chat and text services. Hope this helps!

[Otter8]

Ok thank you. Next time I need the toilet I will try and see if I can do it in there. I think I will ask my friend tomorrow if he wants to do it after school

[Heather]

It might be that an emotionally safer step for both of you is to first just see how you feel talking more about this together. We can find out a lot about how we might feel with someone being sexual with them in any way by how we feel talking with them about sex. Often, if we're not comfortable talking about it, then we can usually know doing things is probably not a good idea.

And if you do talk to him, you can also set some boundaries (for instance, you don't have to be naked with someone if you don't want to be), and maybe get a better idea of what he was asking for or about, and share what you might be interested in. Maybe you want the same thing. Maybe you don't. Talking about it is the safe way to find out.

[Otter8]

Thank you for the advice. I spoke to my friend today at school in private and he said it would be fun to have a sleep over at his over the weekend and play games and do it. I think it would be fun also but I still feel a bit awkward to be naked in front of someone. It’s strange because one part of me wants to and the other also does but is anxious. I’m not sure how other people do it and if I’ll look dumb for having my own ways of doing stuff.

I tried going to the bathroom instead of the bedroom yesterday even though it was normal for me to go to the bathroom I did feel paranoid. However it was really nice not worrying about anyone walking in on me which made it feel better. After about 40 minutes my sister knocked on the door and told me to hurry up which made me really embarrassed and panic. I got up and washed my hands and left which felt really frustrating

[Mo]

Something to keep in mind about masturbation is that there isn't really a "right" way to do it, just what's right for you. If it turns out you and your friend masturbate differently, that won't mean that one of you is doing something weird or dumb or that you aren't doing it correctly. If your friend did say something about you doing it wrong, he'd be the problem in that scenario, not you!