How should I feel about this?

[Odoter]

I'm 18 years old but I don't even feel even close to being an adult and I hope posting on here is okay. I turned 18 about six weeks ago, and nothing about me has really changed.
I have been going out with my personal trainer from my gym for a few weeks, and he is 9 years older than me. I have known him since I was 15 and he has been my personal trainer for the last year and he is also my mom's personal trainer.
I had sex with him a couple nights ago, and while I was having sex the age difference just started attacking my mind. I have always found him attractive but I was always too young, but now I'm old enough and I got to do what I kind of always thought about wanting to do and then I was asking myself why I was doing it. I'm not a virgin, I have had partners, but this one just was really different for me.
Should I keep seeing him or should I walk away? Should I even find any of this creepy at all? He is a really nice guy, he has never tried to do anything inappropriately with me at all, but the age difference is really killing me right now.

[Emily N]

Hi Odoter,

I don’t know if anyone really has a lightbulb moment “I feel exactly like an adult now”, so it’s okay that you don’t “feel even close to being an adult” just because you turned 18.

It makes sense that you feel different dating someone with a large age gap, especially when you are younger and feel the age difference more so than if you were both in your 40s. If you feel amazing and secure in this relationship, it’s okay to want to continue it! But, it sounds like you might not feel this way, so we can talk more about that. Dating someone older doesn’t inherently mean that the relationship is “creepy” but it does mean that there is more likely that the older partner has more power in the relationship and it’s important to check in often to ask yourself if you are still feeling:
- Safe in the relationship (physically and emotionally)
- Appreciated and valued for yourself without any attempts from him to diminish your amazingness
- No pressure to have sex or behave a certain way

Are you feeling all of those things now? Are there other concerns you want to talk about? Have you talked with him about your age gap before? Acknowledging and talking about your different experiences may help you understand how he is viewing the relationship. I also really encourage you to keep open communication with him about sex/sexual health and what you want out of the relationship.
You can also read this article, which has more details and links to other similar topics: What’s age got to do with it?

[Odoter]

The very first paragraph of that article is 100% where I'm at right now. When we started having intercourse he tried to do it without a condom, and I thought he already put one on. He apologized, he did put one on, and he said that he thought maybe I was on birth control because I didn't say anything about a condom. And he told me that the last lady who he was with was 31 years old and was on birth-control and it didn't cross his mind about using a condom.
I feel a little bit like a trophy right now, like he got away with something. Now I'm 18 and now I'm legal and he wanted to get with me because of it. I don't know that for a fact, but that's how I feel.
I didn't think any of this was going to happen this soon either. He has his own house, and he was my first boyfriend with his own house, and of course things would happen but I didn't think it would happen so soon.
I only went on a date with him 3 times, I was still trying to get my bearings together on trying to act more mature even though I probably made a fool of myself. We went to a restaurant for our third date and I was doing my best on feeling more adult and making people think i was more of an adult but I still feel like I'm 15.
But the sex was good, I'm not going to say it was bad, he knows what he's doing, but it was stuff I've never done because none of my other partners had as much experience. And there was no pressure to have sex, but he was in control and I was trying to figure things out along the way.
How many partners do you think he has had? I would like to ask him that. Probably in the high dozens I'm sure. And this was something I wasn't even thinking about until we were having sex. I don't even know if he has a kid, but he is old enough to have one.
I need to ask him all this I know.

[Emily N]

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. Feeling “like a trophy” is not at all the same as feeling supported and valued as an equal in a relationship. It’s not helpful for him to have made up a reason why he didn’t automatically use a condom. It’s important to have a conversation about birth control methods and sexual health with every partner, so I’m frustrated for you that he didn’t support you with this. It’s BOTH partner’s responsibility to think about birth control methods, not just yours or the person who may or may not be taking hormonal birth control.

You wrote, “And there was no pressure to have sex, but he was in control and I was trying to figure things out along the way.” While you said that you don’t feel pressure to have sex, it still sounds like it happened more quickly than you would have liked. The decision of when/how/if to have sex should occur as a conversation where both partners feel heard and supported, not one in which any feelings of “control” exist. Are there things that would help you balance out that feeling of “control”? For example, if you want to have sex with him again, it would be important to have a conversation with him about how you felt about the last time you had sex and what you would like to change for the future. This article could help to guide that conversation. It’s also okay to ask him to take a step back and let you initiate the conversation about when you want to have sex again. Also, to help ease any power imbalance you might feel, would you feel more comfortable having sex somewhere that isn’t his home?

You wrote, “I was still trying to get my bearings together on trying to act more mature even though I probably made a fool of myself.” I’m sorry you feel like you have to behave a certain way to appear more “mature” or “adult”. I’m sure that you did not make a fool of yourself. You should be accepted and embraced for who you are now.

Do you have ideas of next steps you would like to take? It’s okay, too, if you want to take more time to think or talk through more things.