Scarleteen

there is this guy that I really like, he is sweet and talented and smart. he lives a few hours away. I would like t get to know him better, I would like for us to become better friends. we were supposed to hang out. he was supposed to tell me if he could get together or not, but he never did, then we didn't end up hanging out. he apologized, he said he was real busy. I said we could just walk around the mall and hang out, he asked if I wanted to see a movie, I said we could. he doesn't have a lot of money, and he is a very proud young man, who doesn't like asking for help. so I felt like he didn't have the money, was busy and just couldn't get together. he said he'd love to get together sometime and seemed excited about it, but he is bashful. very, very bashful, he is very nervous around me, keeps looking at me, but likes talking to me, and once I got him started he could hardly stop talking, and I enjoy talking to him. he is very bashful, he even shook my hand goodbye, he is so sweet I would really like to get to know him, but I too am reluctant to making moves. he said maybe we could hang next month or something. he makes me kinda nervous too. the way he texts makes me think he doesn't really care for me. what should I do in the meantime to get to know him better?

also I wonder, does he even like me?

Hi Pennypanda,

From the sounds of it, we don't really know one way or the other how much he likes you... and maybe he doesn't either... but it seems that he does want to hang out eventually even if there are things stopping him for the moment. As per getting to know him, maybe you could just ask him questions about himself, what his passions are, his hobbies, beliefs and so on?

It does sound like it could require a fair bit of work though, with the possibility that your friendship wouldn't progress, would that be ok with you?

I'm also wondering what it was about his text messages that made gave you 2nd thoughts?

I don't know, him and I got along pretty well, we have a lot in common. but he doesn't like making the first move. I don't want to seem pushy, always trying to talk to him. just the way he texted me made me think he didn't care for me; but I read too much into things. it was good at first when we were planning it, then he said he'd let me know if he could go... but he never did. he apologized later. I said it was ok, and asked what he was doing.. no reply. I texted back, sorry we had to leave early, i'll be back in town next month. and he said ok it's fine. maybe we could hang out next month or something. periods in text messages freak me out. they seem so harsh. cold. distant. it was all good when he said, i'd love to hang out! then I just don't know.

Hmmm do you think it's possible Penny, that you and him simply aren't suited for each other at the moment?

It seems that the way he communicates and the reality of your schedules is getting in the way a lot, and if he doesn't like to make 'first moves' but you don't really like the position you are in because of that I'm not sure that can be fixed. Is this something you can talk to him about?

his communication is restricted, he has minutes on his phone, and I don't want to seem like he's wasting them on me. and talk to him about what?

You say you really like him, so I presume you have things you'd like to talk to him about? That you're interested in getting to know him more, which includes things like asking someone about themselves and their life, like their interests or any shared interests?

Really, if this guy does have interest in you, he won't think something as mundane as that he's wasting his data plan to talk to you. He'll want to use them that way. I'd also not concern yourself with things like that about him: that's really his stuff, not for you to concern yourself with or try and manage for him.

so I should try to reach out to him, and try to get to know him? ask him about his day? it wouldn't seem annoying?

If he called you, and asked about you, your life, you day: would you find that annoying?

no. alright, thank you

See, there you go. You probably would be delighted, because you like him. And if he likes you, and wants to get to know you, he'll be delighted, too.

And if he isn't interested in you, or talking to you, and you find out reaching out like this, well... then you'll know and can know it's time to let this go and move on.

through text how would I know if he doesn't like me, or if he just is shy? because I know he's shy. also how should I approach communicating with him? i'm kinda clueless.

Really, getting to know someone well over text is not at all likely to happen. It's just not a good medium for communication of any depth. It's much better for simple messages about now-a-lot.

So, how about if you are going to text him, you text to ask if he'd like to hang out? And if he says yes, then you can also text to set a day and time and place.

so in the meantime, how should we communicate?

What meantime?

You want to get to know this guy and hang out, right? So, why not just go ahead and ask him about that?

yeah, and we talked about hanging out, and he said he liked to, but it wouldn't be until next month, because he lives 2 hours away

Okay. Can I ask how you know him?

Might help to give me some context about how much you already know about each other, and if it makes sense then, if you don't just want to hold up to talk until next month, to initiate much more talk for now. Particularly if texting is the only medium you or he have or want to use for that.

he's friends with my stepaunts grandson, we both really enjoy music. I sing, and he plays instruments

So, you've met before, then and hung out already? And you already know about some shared interest?

If so, then you can have conversations until you see him again about those shared interests, for example, or connect back with the last time you saw each other. Those are things you can throw out there anyway, to see if he throws back.

If he doesn't, I'd say your best bet, given the history, is likely to just ping him back near the end of the month to ask about a day and a time to hang out, and not really make contact otherwise. One way we know if someone wants to communicate with us if is they step in when we open the door. If we keep opening it and they keep not stepping in, we generally want to assume it's at least in part because they don't want to and give them space.

alright, thanks

Sure thing, best of luck to you!