My best friend, my crush, and me

[Elias]

My best friend and I met on Tinder. I don't think either of us were really expecting to get anything out of being there, but we clicked and as soon as xe told me what xis Discord name was and I messaged xim there instead, we both left Tinder as quickly as possible. At first we were just talking, and just when I realized I really wanted to meet this lovely person, quarantine hit and it became impossible for us to visit each other because of travel restrictions.

We fell in love over the past year, and we were looking forward to do so many things together. We'd hang out, go on dates, I'd meet xis partner, we'd explore BDSM together - we're both switches and xe's the first person I've felt comfortable establishing a kinky relationship with. Xe has more hands on experience than me, but has never been able to submit, and I felt honored to get the chance to dominate xim and ease xim into letting go. I knew xe played with another partner as well, but only domming was going well for xim, and xis playmate/partner didn't know as much about kink as I do, which I recall xim feeling low about on occasion.

Months passed. Travel restrictions didn't ease up. We both missed each other desperately. Xe would send me messages, telling me things xe would like to do to me, or me to do to xim, and I'd respond. I'm grey-asexual with very limited experience but with xim I felt like it didn't matter, everything we'd do together would be on terms I was comfortable with, we'd set a pace that worked for us both.

In short, it was good.

Around new year's, xe got together with a crush xe had had for a long time, and I was so happy for xim. Xe told me that would close the door on any other romantic prospects until xe felt comfortable opening that door again, and I understood. It was lovely hearing about the two of them settling into their new relationship, and I didn't mind that xe was less affectionate with me, that we dropped the sexting and the planning for the time being.

About a month after that, my crush realized xe couldn't start dating me - we live too far away from each other (one country border and two hours by train) for xim, and xe doesn't have room in xis life for more partners. All very good reasons. Xe told me xe had only just realized, and that xe felt the need to "tank xis feelings out of fear". I told xim there was nothing to fear, I want to be with xim whatever shape that takes, and xe reassured me that xe loves me very much and that I'm xis best friend. Yeah, xe's my closest friend, too.

At first I was heartbroken, even though I think xe made the right choice. Feelings are hard sometimes. It's been months now, and I still get sad thinking about it. My best friend seems pretty fine whenever we talk about it, and I wish I could get over crushes as fast as xim.

Ever since we both realized we liked each other and started talking about kink, the latter has been a part of our conversations, and even now I'll send xim pictures of a restraint I like or mention a scenario I would like to try, and xe sometimes tells me what xe get up to with xis partners. Sometimes it's nice. Sometimes I get envious. I don't really know what things make me envious and what things are fine. I had promised I would tell xim if I got envious of xis partners, so this one time when xe sent pictures of the matching dog tags they had gotten, I did. Xe was understanding and removed the pictures, said xe wanted me to be comfortable and that it was no problem, but I feel awful for ruining xis joy with my pettiness.

The travel restrictions still haven't let up. I miss my best friend. We're looking forward to meeting, hopefully during the summer.

And I'm so confused. My feelings don't make sense to me. Sometimes I'm ridiculously happy for xim and xis partners (they're rad people, my best friend often tells them stuff I say and vice versa, so even though I've only spoken to one of them once while playing a game with my best friend and xis circle, I know I like them both and that we'd get along well) and sometimes I get hit with that cold feeling of "I wish I was part of that, too".

My friend was initially worried that I'd be envious of xis new partner since them getting together closed the door to our romantic prospects, but luckily that hasn't happened; I don't see them as having "taken my place" or such, my friend would have realized we can't be together either way. My envy is less "I wish that were me" and more "I wish I had that too".

Especially when xe tells me about xis continued trouble with submitting to a partner that's not firm enough, with xis partners' lack of knowledge and hesitation, I think "I could help with that, I could be the person who makes you submit".

Sometimes I still think "Maybe we can date in the future. Things change. What if one of us moves or xis mental health improves enough that xe has the spoons for another partner?" and I don't know if I want to think like that. I'm afraid that it will get in the way of our friendship, that continuing our relationship with thoughts like this might breed resentment. It doesn't help that once or twice, my friend has talked as though getting together is still on the table. I don't want to ask about it in case it's just me misinterpreting xim because of wishful thinking, but it feels dishonest when our communication is so good in all other areas. We have talked several times about our relationship since we first decided to just be friends, and xe has reassured me over and over that xe still loves me and that I'm dear to xim. Holy fuck I do love being best friends with xim, too.

I've been hoping that meeting xim in person, building up an in person relationship, and meeting xis partners will help with the envy and my confusion, but I'm afraid of the possibility that it won't. I want to be the best friend I could possibly be to xim, I don't want our relationship to be muddled with my dirty petty feelings.

I also fear that my sexual identity and kinky identity (which are rather separate) will be muddled by how much I discovered together with xim, and that I won't be able to find anyone else with whom I'd like to do sexual or kinky things. I already get crushes extremely seldom, I think I've had two or three this past decade.

Whoa, that was a long piece of text, and I'm still not sure what kind of response I'm expecting, so I'll ask some more concise questions here. How can I get over my feelings enough for them not to get in the way of our friendship? What do I do to learn what exactly causes my envy so that I can avoid them? Do I just need time? When is a good time to start looking for another romantic relationship after being rejected? How much do I tell my friend without making xim uncomfortable?

[Sofi]

First of all, thank you for opening up and trusting us with this. It's definitely a hard situation you're in and I want to acknowledge your feelings of confusion and frustration. I do have to say, I don't consider your feelings "dirty" or "petty". It is perfectly normal to feel jealousy or envy, we're human and it happens even to people who are poly and/or secure with themselves! So please don't beat yourself up for that.

To answer some of your questions: You nailed it with the third one - time is definitely important here. It is also important, though, to have some sort of closure if you're deciding to move on. So I do recommend you open up and tell xim how you feel, as long as you aren't putting pressure or being pushy in any way, xey shouldn't feel comfortable considering you're best friends and xey care about you. You might just need to hear it one more time from xem after you tell xem the truth, to feel like you can move on with your feelings and maintain a platonic friendship. Unfortunately, otherwise you might need to have a little space from xem, such as not talking as often or not sending photos. You can't control your feelings but you can control how you act on them, you know? I believe it's a good time to start looking for another romantic relationship as soon as you feel you can do so without having xem on your mind, so you can give your new partner the attention and love they deserve without your heart being elsewhere. I think you're doing a great job in compartmentalizing and being a supportive friend, but if that is causing you to just feel this envy and sadness, perhaps a step back is what you need for now. Does this sound like something you can do?

[Elias]

You might just need to hear it one more time from xem after you tell xem the truth

When you say this, what exactly do you mean by "it"?

I don't think now is a good time to step back, we're both in places where we need each others' support for different reasons, so if that and telling xim about my confusion are the two options, I guess I'll choose the latter. I worry because xe has been pressured to take on romantic and sexual relationships before when xe didn't quite want to, so I want to be extra careful that I don't sound like I'm nagging or putting such expectations on xim.

[Mo]

I think it's possible to ask for clarification or to say you're confused about some things xe's said without being naggy or putting pressure on xim for a particular response. If you can remember the specific things xe said that made you confused, it might help to have those specific moments or conversations to point to when you're asking for some clarification. I want to second what Sofi said above, that it doesn't sound like your feelings are dirty or petty at all. It can be painful to want a different kind of relationship with someone than what they're open to, but it doesn't mean that your feelings are wrong or hurtful.

In terms of getting over your feelings, I do think that time is often the most important factor. I wish there was an easier or more concrete way to get past strong feelings for someone, but sometimes it really does just take time more than anything else. Seeking out and maintaining relationships with other people (not necessarily romantic or sexual, but whatever close personal connections are important to you right now) is also good, I think, so that you're not getting all your support or connection in just one place.

[Elias]

I've been thinking for a while about the advice I've gotten on this board. I definitely think Mo makes a good point about seeking out and maintaining other relationships, the isolation that comes with being in a pandemic sure does give a lot of room for my anxiety to spiral.

I've been working on trying not to shut down my thoughts and feelings when it comes to xim, and to just tell myself that it's okay, I'm not hurting xim and I don't need to feel ashamed.It's a whole process but it does help. Knowing that I'm not bad for liking xim makes me feel less envious too, so I'm taking that as a good sign.

I'm meeting xim on Saturday. I got some extra money this month for doing an interview and it's just enough to get a one time travel certificate and go hang out with xim for a weekend. We'll talk then. I think this is the sort of conversation I want to have in person, makes it easier for both of us. Wish me luck, I guess!

[Urna]

Wishing you lots of luck! I went through your thread, and it looks like you're at a place of acceptance, while also actively ensuring that your super valuable friendship with xim stays healthy and communicative. I hope your weekend trip goes swimmingly, Elias!

[Elias]

So, we met up last Saturday! We took a walk and hung out at xis apartment, it was too warm to do much else. We were both very excited and nervous, but it was lovely to see each other. We talked and I cried a bunch.

Xe assured me that my feelings for xim are not a bother at all, like xe has previously, but seeing xim be so sweet and patient in person got the message through better this time. When I mentioned feeling bad about not getting over my feelings as fast as xe did, xe told me xe really didn't get over xis feelings just like that, but rather has a hard time acknowledging them and shoved them away in a corner. It sucks ass, of course, but hearing that xe didn't just simply decide not to like me any longer when it wasn't convenient does help, it makes me feel less alone. I wish xe wasn't quite so good at hiding xis feelings from ximself and xis loved ones, but that's nothing I can do anything about; all I can do is try and initiate these conversations as often as we need.

I'm probably still far from getting over my best friend, meeting xim in person just made me fall harder (with a fair dose of horniness, xe's very pretty in person haha) and miss xim more afterward, but it feels more manageable. I hope that spending time with each other regularly will help us settle into our friendship, and I think it's okay for me to be in love with xim and sometimes wonder if there could be something more between us in the future, now that I have confirmation that it doesn't have to get in the way of what we have right now.

[Sam W]

Hi Elias,

Thank you so much for the update! It sounds like the conversation ended up really productive, and that the two of you feel on more comfortable footing in terms of where you stand with each other, which is great to hear.

[Elias]

Long time no see, I thought it was time for an update

My feelings didn't go away after several months and it got to the point where my best friend started feeling uncomfortable, so we took some time away from each other during which I discovered something sort of neat.

I have this method of letting go anxiety related intrusive thoughts where I picture my thoughts and feelings as a balloon and slowly breathe in and out, picturing the balloon drifting farther and becoming smaller with every exhale, and once it's so far away that it looks like it could fit in the palm of my hand, I "reel it in", letting it grow closer but no bigger, with every inhale. Once I'm holding the balloon close to me again and I see how small it is in comparison to me, I can let it float away.

I discovered that I could apply this exercise to my unwanted crush. I reasoned that an unwanted and unrequited crush was much like overthinking, dwelling on "what if"s in an unproductive spiral. So I started doing this exercise every night like I sometimes do when I'm starting to overthink or when my anxiety becomes intrusive thoughts and it worked so well I was honestly surprised. I think re-imagining my feelings, likening them to anxiety and treating them as such, really helped them fade. After a week or so, when I went looking for those feelings to put them into the balloon, I couldn't find them anymore, they were just gone. The space my best friend occupies in my mind felt completely different.

We still kept our distance for a while longer so I could make sure my feelings were really gone, and when we started talking again, it felt like we could finally move forward. We had a conversation later, just to reassert our boundaries and discuss where we wanted to take our friendship, and xe concluded that xe no longer felt uncomfortable around me.

Things are good now, we're on the same page and I'm so happy to have my best friend in my life!

[Elise]

Hi Elias, that is a really awesome thing that you worked out applying that exercise that worked for you. I'm so happy to hear you're in a good place and have a wonderful friendship in your life. Thank you for sharing this update with us, we're always so happy to hear these kinds of updates.