Just need some reassurance

[sky]

Most of chat was talking about how shitty everything is because I just found out I have covid.

Sam sent me a thing of intimacy but I wanted something a little bit more close then that, that’s not like foreplay or something like that.

Also is it a hot take to say “relationships lead to sex?” Because I don’t think I ever want to have sex so it just made me feel invalid like I shouldn’t have a relationship. People suck lol

[sky]

Also, I am ready to find the person! I’m just not ready to have sex. I do wanna have sex but once I’m in a relationship and it’s a step we decide to take together to get closer not just a thing we do as a chore because one of us or both of us is horny. If that makes sense

[sky]

Also, my lonely has literally amplified since I got sick. So I’ve been talking to people and they ask me my kinks and I am honest and then I get blocked shortly after.. makes me feel like I’m dirty or something. All of my desires are aggression towards me it’s nothing crazy it’s just me wanting to be dominated. I wish they would tell me they aren’t comfortable with being aggressive to me or something instead of me catching feelings and then being blocked or deleted

[Heather]

Hey there, Sky. I'm so sorry that Covid finally caught you.

So, here's the thing: all relationships aren't sexual, so no, all relationships don't lead to sex. Also, nothing really "leads" to sex, period, because consensual sex is a choice.

If you don't want to have sexual relationships YOU DO NOT HAVE TO. They are optional, not required. You know, I wonder if on top of our site and our forums, you might look into participating some at AVEN's site and forums: https://www.asexuality.org/ I think that spending some time there would be good for you. You can see how some other people who don't want to be physically sexual with people or engage in certain kinds of sex -- or sex in more allosexual kinds of expected dynamics -- work things out like dating and romantic relationships (which I get the impression you do want, or at least want to explore).

I'd also strongly suggest you start setting some boundaries with these kinds of conversations with people and holding yourself to them. You know you don't want a hookup, you know you don't want a relationship where sex is the center, or which starts with sex. So, if and when anyone you are talking to gives you information that's what they are interested in (like asking what your kinks are), rather than continuing the conversation, what you'll want to start learning to do is seeing those indications and just ending the conversations/interaction right there, because it's clearly not what you want. It's as easy as saying something like, "Oh, it seems like you and I want different things, I don't want something that starts with sex, even in talking. Good luck to you." And then that's it. You staying on the line, as it were, instead is of no benefit to you.

[sky]

I know I could do that but I feel Iike I’d find no one and be alone forever. I also want to act on my kinks in a non sexual way, they aren’t sexual. Like things like hitting me etc that’s not sexual, so I think it’s okay to act on it/ask for it? Okay I’ll look on aven when I have more energy. I’ve never been so sick in my entire life. I wanna talk more I just don’t have the energy

[Heather]

Another suggestion: it sounds to me like you are spending an outrageous amount of time and energy on dating apps. That you already feel like there's a pattern on a new app I only suggested to you just a week ago says to me that knowing all I know about you, what you want, and how things have been going, it's much too much time and energy.

I would strongly suggest you do two things for your own well-being (and I'd suggest this to anyone, honestly, this isn't just you): cut the apps down to just two or three, tops. Turn your profile off on the others and don't use them for now. Then limit your time on them to an hour a day, including any chatting you do through them. This much intense "hunting" is just only ever going to be frustrating, in my humble opinion, and isn't likely to net you positive results.

I also still maintain, personally, that given where you're at with a bunch of things, you would probably be served best right now by focusing on yourself, your self-care, and making a life for yourself rather than on dating. But as you know, these aren't my choices to make, they're yours.

[Heather]

So we're clear: kink is a sexual framework. That term and framework literally means things like people like to do sexually (that arouse them sexually, that turn them on, etc.) considered outside a norm, or some idea of a norm. So, if you are engaging in people with talk about kink, you are talking with people about sex. If you engage in that talk with people, they are going to interpret you as interested in sexual interactions.

I'm only telling you that so you are aware if you are still talking to people in apps around this. I would concur that given you are sick, and in general, you just taking care of yourself right now and resting up would be ideal. <3

[sky]

I’m just so lonely I’m lonely in a room full of people and now I’m stuck inside a room actually alone for 4 more days. I’m addicted to the apps I’m literally addicted and it’s concerning and my therapist doesn’t seem to recognize how bad it is because she doesn’t know me well enough yet.

I am sleeping a lot and taking care of myself so don’t worry about that. I hardly have energy to walk to the bathroom let alone talk sexual to get someone off which I do multiple times a day to multiple people…

[sky]

My kinks aren’t sexual though. I mean yes I think they are hot but it’s not something that I want in order to be sexual. Does that make sense? I get what you’re saying but do you get what I mean too?

My therapist told me my kinks are harmful and borderline abuse and I didn’t feel like she was kink shaming me and I didn’t feel judged I know she’s just trying to protect me because I don’t know what affection and stuff is. Someone could literally abuse me and I would think it was just because they cared too much about me and that’s why they did it. I don’t think dating is a good thing for me right now while my mind isn’t healed but I just get so sad.

The hunting is literally exhausting. I delete the apps and then I get them back within a day it’s like a sickness or something. I’m obsessed with feeling wanted I can’t stop it.

[sky]

I deleted all of the apps. I don’t have the time or energy. Especially now with covid I have extra less energy. I don’t know how I’m supposed to find a girl now. Maybe she’ll come into my work and we’ll fall in love. Lol who knows but it’s only hurting me being on these apps. Especially with the constant misgendering. I say I’m not a girl like every 30 seconds and still get called girl

[sky]

I’m sorry there’s so much in moderation right now. I set boundaries with myself and I’m gonna hop on chat tomorrow heather if you’re running it because I wanna talk about therapy because there’s some new information..

[Carly]

Hey sky -- I'm so sorry you have COVID right now. I actually do right now too and it's not easy. I hope you're experiencing something relatively mild and hanging in there the best that you can.

I think you've recognized some really important stuff here. I think concentrating on getting some serious rest while you're sick is a good idea. I also agree that it's maybe not the best time to date right now, both with COVID and while you're working on some stuff within yourself. I know you feel when you say you're not sure how you're going to find someone. I feel comfortable sharing some stuff with you about how it's been for me. The times I've been on apps, I tend to get somewhat preoccupied and spend a lot of time swiping and talked to people. I kept thinking the more time I spent trying to find my person, the easier and faster they would be to find. I didn't want to be lonely, and I really craved the feeling of being wanted by another person. Instead of continuing to swipe on apps and try to date, I spent some time in therapy understanding why having someone in my life was so important to me. I realized that though there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner, I thought that it was the only way to prove to myself that I was worthy of love and being wanted was the only way I could feel self-worth. Do you ever feel like that? Sometimes it's better for us to find what's in ourselves already that makes us lovable, rather than expend our energy trying to find someone to love us.

I don't know the chat schedule tomorrow, but I hope someone can chat with you soon.

[sky]

I’m so sorry to hear you have it too!! Same for you! It’s not very mild, I’m super sick

I really appreciate you sharing! I am so torn because I love my therapist she’s so nice and I’m so super comfortable with her but she makes these off hand comments sometimes that I just can’t get behind. She said if you want a masculine woman just date a man and if you want a feminine man just date a woman. I was like that’s a really hot take and cut her off because I’m not going to listen to that.

Made me feel even worse about my gender too because I’m not a woman but I’m feminine. If I identified as a trans man, I would be feminine still because I can’t be out so why not just date a real boy, you know what I mean? I’ve talked to these people and I’ve made it known that if we ever did date I’d be their boyfriend and most of the girls have been cool about it or they just misgendered me.

I guess I could focus more in therapy but I feel like I might need a better therapist. I seriously like mine so so much but I feel like she’s not the best therapist for me. She’s helped me a lot but I also feel like I’m doing too much work and she’s not doing much. If that makes sense

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I agree that this therapist isn't a good fit for you; since you've deleted a bunch of dating apps, I think one place to put some of that energy is into finding a new one. Too, if you're feeling really stuck with that, I would start by looking at the agency where you found your current one and seeing if they have other therapists available.

Too, I really think you need to speak to your therapists' supervisor about some of the things you've brought to us, including the failure to do intake, the very slow response when you were in crisis, and the comments about kink. The lack of intake in particular is really troubling, because that's such basic protocol and policy. Were I her supervisor, I'd want to know that the person reporting to me was making errors that negatively affected their client. If you want to talk about how to make that report, we can give you some language to use.

Speaking of kink, what Heather was getting at was that kink, as a word and a framework, inherently describes something sexual. Even if someone doesn't NEED a kink to be present in order to enjoy themselves, if it's something they find hot, it falls under that framework. Too, even if you're still working out what kink means to you and define some of it as non-sexual, nearly everyone else does see it as sexual, so this is likely to lead to miscommunication if you refer to things as kinks that aren't sexual.

As an aside about those gender fears, remember that there are plenty of men out there, cis and trans, who are feminine in how they present. So presenting that way wouldn't make you less of a man or a boyfriend.

[sky]

What she said about my kinks isn’t appropriate either??

[Sofi]

To be honest, without having known everything she's said to you, there's no direct answer to that. That being said, it sounds like she has strong opinions on kinks in general and from what you told us, it sounds like she came to some strong conclusions about yours. I can't say it was inappropriate, but again, she doesn't seem to be a right fit for you. Does that make sense?

[sky]

I went online again last night to only find friends I gave myself a time frame and I told myself I wouldn’t talk sexual, I went to look for men in hopes that maybe it would make me feel better about my masculinity? I met a guy and he asked what I was looking for and I said friends and intimacy but not sex, he said what kind of intimacy then just blowjobs? I said I don’t give blowjobs just kissing and touching and he said “lol bye goodluck”

I deleted the account because clearly setting non sexual boundaries didn’t work. It made me upset. I keep thinking there’s someone for me but like where because I can’t keep waiting

[sky]

Hey so,

After a chat with heather today, I thought a lot and I decided I’m going to take my mental health serious and try my best to work in therapy (with a new therapist, I emailed them but I’m gonna call tomorrow if I’m up to it) because my loneliness isn’t going to be solved by someone else, it has to be solved by me. My whole life I’ve been looking for someone to save me and I realize I need to save me, I’m the only one who can save me.

I’m going to start a list of the things I need to bring up in therapy, I know my childhood trauma, my constant need for reassurance, my fears that everyone’s mad at me, my suicidal ideation, my I’m not gay-I’m gay thing, the homophobia and transphobia, the “kinks”, the constant need for sexual validation because I feel like that’s the only validation I’m worth, the past substance problems to escape my mind. Anything else you guys can think of that should be a topic of discussion throughout my weeks/months of healing?

I’m open to hearing from all of you that I’ve spoken too. I won’t be offended. I’m here with open ears willing to change but I don’t see myself from an outside view and you’re the only people i truly let in so I’m asking for some guidance on my journey to not hating myself anymore. I really dont wanna hate myself anymore. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not wanna break it into pieces. I don’t wanna cry to strangers online and beg them to help me and fix me when I’m the only one capable of that.

It’s going to be so hard and time consuming and take a lot of money but even if I go every two weeks instead of weekly I’m still making an effort to get better. A page a day gets the book read.

Ps- I didn’t go online tonight baby steps!

[sky]

Also reducing myself down to a vagina and setting myself up for sex/sexual things/abuse when I don’t want any of those things I don’t know how to even talk about that. It sounds so stupid when I say it but it feels so real to me.. it’s so all consuming.

[sky]

I don’t know how to make myself feel like it’s okay to get better. I feel like I’m not worth it and I don’t know how to feel worthy of anything. I’ve amounted myself to nothing my whole life and I don’t know how to be anything. I just am so sad and I’m so scared to get better because I’ve never been okay and I don’t know how it’s going to be you know?

[Sofi]

I read your chat with Heather from yesterday, and [as always] they had some great advice. Did you try to write out those affirmations (that you don't want or deserve abuse and that you'll start by loving yourself) and put it on a mirror or somewhere you can see it often? I know most of the time you don't believe those things, but when we feel worthless sometimes we have to take a "fake it till you make it" approach. I know it can be scary, but you know how it's going to be when you're better? Wonderful. Refreshing. And so worth it.
And to answer your other post, that list about sums it up from my opinion. You did good by even writing all that out, so kudos to you, and thanks for being open to hearing from us. We are here for you but we also don't want to speak into the void, as you know.

[sky]

Well that’s embarrassing..

[Sofi]

Nothing to be embarassed about. It's always good for me to be caught up, you mentioned you had a chat with them yesterday so I wanted to be up to date so as to not say anything too repetitive. It's good for me to have the full picture so I can give you the best support I can.

[sky]

Thank you. I appreciate you.

[sky]

I honestly just feel so damn lost. I don’t know anymore..