Scarleteen

Hello,

So I'm 21 years old and am in my first relationship ever. I am gay. I am in a relationship with a very caring and loving boyfriend and we have a very intimate sex life. We have been seeing each other for about 8 months now but around the first few months of our relationship one day I ended up masturbating at home alone to another guy. It only happened once. I never cheated on my boyfriend and would NEVER want to. Our relationship has grown and matured so much and I deeply care about him. I consider myself to be a very loving and honest person. My boyfriend says sometimes I'm a little to honest..lol. But on a serious note I feel guilty when I think back on the fact that I masturbated to a guy who is not my boyfriend. Ever since then I don't even look at porn because the only person I feel comfortable thinking about sexually is my boyfriend. (And I'm perfectly fine with not watching porn since it doesn't even compare to experiences I have had with my boyfriend and I really care for him). But basically I've been really beating myself up about masturbating to another guy and feeling guilty. I would never tell my boyfriend because it would devastate him and he already is insecure sometimes. Should I feel guilty? Is this normal? Am I over thinking things? (I grew up very religious so I don't know if this applies to why I feel so guilty..)

Here's the thing: most people -- not all, but most -- will have sexual fantasies that either are about someone other than a current partner, or include a current partner and others, or include a current partner, but where that partner isn't saying or doing the kinds of things they would in reality.

So, this was the case for you, and it probably also is or has been for your boyfriend, as well as likely most people in the religious community you grew up in, because it's the case -- if not always, usually at least sometimes -- for most people and their sexualities.

It might help to bear in mind that when we do things like make monogamy/exclusivity agreements, we can't soundly ever agree to having or not having certain thoughts or feeling, because those are just not things we can entirely control. As well, your sexuality is YOURS. You may share it with a partner, but it's still yours, and to at least some degree, if not quite a lot, your sexuality is going to have stuff that's part of it that has nothing to do with a partner. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Hello,

Thank you for your quick reply. I guess to be honest its a bit hard for me to rap my head around the fact that my boyfriend could have sexual fantasies about other people. It's definitely not something I want to think about. lol But maybe its because this is my first relationship and before my current boyfriend I was quite inexperienced sexually. So maybe I have allowed myself to be so consumed by my relationship it that in a way I forgot that my mind/private thoughts are my own and that my sexuality is also still my own. Its like its almost ingrained in my mind that thinking/fantasizing about anyone else other than my boyfriend is almost like cheating. But perhaps its time I take a step back and remind myself that I am still my own person in this relationship and that my thoughts and feelings are my own and don't belong to my boyfriend.

Hello,

Thank you for your quick reply. I guess to be honest its a bit hard for me to rap my head around the fact that my boyfriend could have sexual fantasies about other people. It's definitely not something I want to think about. lol But maybe its because this is my first relationship and before my current boyfriend I was quite inexperienced sexually. So maybe I have allowed myself to be so consumed by my relationship it that in a way I forgot that my mind/private thoughts are my own and that my sexuality is also still my own. Its like its almost ingrained in my mind that thinking/fantasizing about anyone else other than my boyfriend is almost like cheating. But perhaps its time I take a step back and remind myself that I am still my own person in this relationship and that my thoughts and feelings are my own and don't belong to my boyfriend.

Too, it might help to know that fantasies - sexual or otherwise - aren't the same as real-life behaviour. It's common for people to have fantasies that they enjoy as a fantasy but which they don't want to do for real and wouldn't enjoy for real. In a fantasy, we can control and decide on every tiny thing, in a way we just can't in the real world. Fantasising about another person has very much more in common with masturbation than it does with partnered sex: in masturbation, including when we're fantasising, the only person we need to think about it ourselves, because we're the only one involved. So, if we're not thinking of masturbation as cheating (and personally, I would struggle with that framing, because one's body and one's own sexual life is one's own), there's no reason to think of fantasising as cheating. If we're thinking of someone in a sexual fantasy, we are in no way sexually involved with that actual, real person; what we're involved with is 100% in our own head, our own imaginary construction of the person.