Scarleteen

Hi there! I'm new to the site, after having a super confusing experience with a boy i called a friend and my best mate directing me here!

It was the morning after we'd had a house party and this boy who i thought was a good friend, came up into my room where i was in bed, half naked and still a little tipsy, he woke me to book him a taxi home since his phone wasn't working, i did so but then he got ontop of the bed and we had a little cuddle, which was a platonic from me. He then asked if he could get into the bed - I have no idea why but then i said yes. He then mistook my platonic cuddling for sexual interest and went to kiss me which i rejected, but then he was saying i was turning him on by cuddling him and doing the things i do with friends such as back tickling ect, i just laughed and apologised but he then went to feel me up and kept feeling me, i said we shouldnt do that as a nicer way to say no to his advances but he then continued and touched me up more, to which point my body just switched on and resulted in me getting a little turned on and then he said 'its clear what our bodies both want', i then thought it was just easier to do things so i shut my eyes and just for the most part tried to think it was someone else, there were moments where my body received pleasure from the things he was doing and i at one point asked him to do something different with his hands to get me to finish and i performed oral sex on him as like an inbuilt behaviour of 'returning the favour' even though i didnt want to do it, i stopped, but then he asked me to finish him and kept putting my hand back there after id tried to pull it away. So in short, i think i was coerced into it but im not sure how i would address that with him if it looked like i was having a good time and my body was responding positively even if in my head the whole time i didnt want to be doing it. Help

Hi Joey1998, and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm glad you found us, but sorry it's because this happened to you.

What you're describing is definitely what I'd call coercion and sexual assault. You were clear that you didn't want to be sexual with this person, you turned him down and redirected him several times, there was no clear and enthusiastic "yes, I want this" from you, and that's what matters, in terms of what to call this.

In terms of the physical response you experienced, you may find this article helpful for more information on how someone's physical response may not line up with how they're feeling about a situation: The Great Arousal Mismatch: When Bodies and Brains Don't Line Up. This section in particular seems applicable:

Understanding arousal discordance is particularly important in the context of sexual assault. Sometimes, a person being assaulted will have a bodily response such as an erection or lubrication, or even orgasm, during assault or rape. This is then used by the abuser or anyone else as justification for why it couldn’t have been rape.

To be clear, any arousal response or orgasm you experienced doesn't make this any less of an assault. Your body can't consent for you, as it sounds like this guy was trying to claim.

I'm so sorry this happened to you; it must be particularly painful coming from someone you considered a friend. How can we best support you right now?

Thankyou so much Mo its so reaffirming for me to hear that the bodies response can be opposite to the head and it doesn’t qualify as consent, I’ve felt so guilty feeling icky and down about the whole situation thinking it was maybe just that I regretted doing it but it’s so validating to see there’s a reason for me to be down about it. Will make sure to take extra care of myself over the next few days. Thank god for this forum though

Hi Joey1998,

I'm glad to hear that Mo's post was affirming for you and so sorry to hear that this happened. You've talked about taking extra care of yourself over the next few days and I wanted to know a little more about what that looks like. Dealing with the emotions and trauma around assault can be extremely overwhelming to handle on your own. Have you been able to talk about this experience with anyone? A friend or therapist maybe? It can help in these situations to be grounded and supported by those around you especially because coercion messes with your head and can continue to do so after this situation.

What do other care practices look like for you? Is it physical rituals like baths or cooking? Or more mental ones like meditation, journaling, or grounding exercises?

If you are interested, we have an article with some suggestions of ways to take care of yourself right now in this moment that I'd be happy to share with you. That being said if that's not something you're looking for right now that's okay.

Overall, I just want to know how are you currently feeling? We are here to support you through this process so please don't be shy to reach out for our support. This is a lot to process and it may take time. That's okay.

Best,
Val

Thankyou Val, yeah my housemates are on board with me and know what happened so i can talk them! But yeah i think any links you could send my way about how to look after myself from here on that would be great thankyou!

So glad you've found these responses affirming, that's what we're here for. <3 I'm glad you're taking extra care of yourself right now; here's a nice roundup of some self-care ideas if you need some: Self-Care a La Carte

We do also have a lot of articles and advice columns on our site that touch on dealing with a sexual assault; if you're interested in reading about other people's experiences or what our answers to some common questions have been, you can click on the "abuse" category in the header at the top of the page or use our search function. I don't want to flood you with too many of those, in case you aren't in a place to be reading them right now, but I did come across this question from someone who'd been assaulted by a friend that I thought might have some helpful pieces in it.