Porn and hair

[Otter8]

I have posted on here a bit ago about finding a place to get enough time to masturbate. I have found doing it in the bath and sometimes in my bed when I think it’s safe enough has been good although I still wish I could do it more often but I can’t because it takes me a long time to do it. My friend said I should watch porn because it makes it quicker. He told me that he watches porn when he does it or looks at nude women which makes it better. Im not really sure if this is ok though I’ve heard porn can be quite bad and I don’t want to mess anything up but I also when to do it quicker so I can do it in more places.

Also when do people start getting hair down there? I haven’t got any and I’m sort of happy because the thought of having it is a bit gross

[Elise]

Hi there Otter8!

Regarding your first question about porn, firstly it is great that you are thinking critically about the media you want to engage with, that is a very important thing to keep in mind: what is it's purpose, who is it for, and what is it saying? With porn, you can think of its relationship to sex and relationships as similar to how a movie from The Fast and the Furious series is to driving, it is a genre that is entertaining to some, but will not teach you how to drive in a way that is safe or even possible in real life. Similarly, porn often depicts bodies, sex acts, relationship models and communication that is unrealistic and unsafe in real life, as it is not a reflection of real life.

We have some articles that unpack this on the main Scarleteen site that you can read. Once you've had a look at them, let us know your thoughts here, if you are comfortable doing so.

• Bare Bodies: Reality Checking Mainstream Porn]Making Sense of Sexual Media
• Making Sense of Sexual Media
• Looking, Lusting and Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography

Regarding body hair, it is a change and can feel a bit daunting, but is a natural thing most people end up having and not something to feel gross about. Of all the body hair that starts to grow for people with testes, public hair is usually the first, howevere each person has an individual timetable for when the various parts of puberty will happen, mostly determined by your genetics and influenced by environmental factors such as nutrition and stress. You can read more about this here:

Not Everything You Wanted To Know About Puberty (But Pretty Darn Close)

[Otter8]

Thank you for the reply. I read the links you sent and found them to be really useful. I learnt a bit about vaginas which I didn’t know that women also got so much hair although to be honest I haven’t really seen a vagina that I can think of. Thinking about it makes my heart go a bit faster though. But I think I haven’t really seen another willy either.

I still don’t know whether I should look at porn or nude women. I have been wanting to but I also am worried that it will mess me up or that my mum will find out. I have heard that porn is very fake from people and those links you sent but is it all? And is there a safe way to look it up?

I’m curious because when I masturbate I take a long time and I’m worried someone will see or get suspicious of me so I can’t do it much but maybe porn would help. I’m still quite unsure what to do. Do you have any advice?

[Otter8]

Also for hair should I let it grow if it does? I knew about hair growing around the willy but what should I do about hair on the bum? Does that cause problems? Bit embarrassing sorry

[Elise]

No worries Otter8, glad you found the articles really useful. To answer your question as to whether all porn is 'fake', as the articles mentioned, porn is made for entertainment, and when you are making a video of any kind for entertainment, it is all constructed, yes. The camera angles, scripts, lighting, situations, actors etc. are all chosen specifically for an effect, which is not as an instructional video for healthy relationships, or education on anatomy, but instead for titillation/sexual entertainment.

I cannot tell you whether you are personally at a stage where it would be a good idea for you to look up porn. I need to also mention that sites that sell pornography online are legally restricted to sales to people 18 years and over, so there wouldn't be a strictly legitimate way for you to access it and the makers of pornography are not considering teenagers as part of their audience, so won't be taking age appropriateness into account with their content. Also, when it comes to having some kind of fantasy or image that you like to think about or look at during masturbation, you don't need to specifically look at images that are sexually explicit or from a porn or 'lad's mag' but using narratives or images from movies, tv etc. Remembering that these too are also constructed images but also there are depictions of sex and human relationships that might assist with fantasy without having to go straight to accessing pornography. You can also use your imagination, and think about a person that you find attractive.

What I am hearing and can help with though is that you're curious about what human bodies are like, particularly genitals - if that is mainly what you are looking for, then porn is not the place for it - as the way the human body is depicted in that context is rarely realistic. There are however places on the internet designed for education that you can use, that I will link below. If you are concerned about privacy looking at these things, ensure you have some time when you will be alone without people over your shoulder, and understand how to use incognito mode on your browser of choice (here is an example for Mozilla Firefox, here it is for Google Chrome, and here are some myths about private browsing).

Here are some links to information about the human body and the different ways that genitals look for different people:

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Innies & Outies: The Penis, Testes, and More
• Shown Actual Size: A Penis Shape & Size Lowdown
• Give'em Some Lip: Labia That Clearly Ain't Minor
• and check out the rest of our bodies section here on Scarleteen

With regards to hair, there is no need to apologise about asking these kinds of questions about body hair. Yes, most people unless they have some differences due to genetics or an illness, will grow hair near their anus. This shouldn't cause any hygiene issues as long as you keep up your regular basic personal hygiene in terms of wiping properly and having regular showers. There is a lot to take in here, so please take your time reading the articles. It can also help to revisit articles a bit later on and read them a second time or more, as you will retain more info from them each time. Hope this is helpful to you, and you are of course welcome to ask follow up questions.

[Otter8]

Thanks for the other articles I found them hard to read as they get a bit complicated but also useful. I found some of it relatable to like the tingling feeling when I get aroused. My hearts starts to beat faster and it’s harder to control my breathing and my genitals change in my pants. It makes me wonder if people I know like friends get it the same way. I don’t know what zones are sensitive to me yet. My genitals are but it seems to be less than other people

From what you told me I think I will stay away from porn then. I am curious but it also sounds intimidating. When I was looking at the article about vaginas I found it to be interesting because I don’t know much about them but after a bit I started to feel aroused and I felt really guilty even though they were just drawings I felt like I was bad for looking and liking it. Is this normal?

[Valerie J]

Hi!

I'm glad you were able to read some of the articles. I completely understand they can be difficult to understand because bodies are difficult to understand! It also sounds like you are starting to notice more feelings and sensations in your body which is a great next step into understanding what experiencing pleasure in your body and experience looks like. One important thing to note as you continue to learn more is that fully comparing your experience to those around you may end up doing you a bit of a disservice. The human body is really complex and no one body is exactly like another. So you are going to have varied experince of pleasure in certain parts of your body compared to say what you've read about. Some of the cool parts about all the resources Elise gave you is that you can really mix and match information that resonates with your experience in order to get a better understanding.

It's awesome that you are able to assess that porn might not be the best option for you right now - that's an awesome step in self-awareness. I am curious to know a little bit more about where this guilt is coming from? What about experiencing arousal makes you feel guilty? Is this your own reaction or one you've been told to be had? Is your concern with your own emotions or the response of someone else knowing? I'd love to hear more about what you think.

Despite what society may say about it, sexual arousal is not something to feel guilty about or be ashamed of. It's totally natural and a lot of people experience it. It's also something that can change at different points in time in your life or the contexts you are in. But ultimately, it is not a moral "right" or "wrong" thing. It just is. Society sends a LOT of negative messages about arousal that can be damaging as you learn what pleasure might look like in your own body. That's why I'm curious to hear more about what YOU are feeling around guilt and maybe be able to address those specific thoughts.

Look forward to hearing from you!

Best,
Val

[Otter8]

Thanks Valerie I’m not quite sure what you mean about understanding what experiencing pleasure in my body looks like?

I have thought about ways to help with my masturbation like thinking about a movie or someone I think looks nice and I think it helps a bit but it still takes me about 40 minutes so I have to run a bath and clean it each time which I can only do once a day really.

I think I felt guilty about getting aroused because I was looking at the drawings of the vaginas from the article. I don’t know why that made me atomised but I liked how they all looked different and the hair. When I started to feel aroused a felt like I shouldn’t be and closed the article. I feel guilty because even though they’re drawings I felt like it was for educational reasons but I was still getting aroused by it. For some reason I feel like it was wrong to look. In general I also don’t like being aroused because when I am that’s when I get hard which is embarrassing because it happens a lot. I try to hide it but it’s still awkward and I feel as though there’s nothing I can do besides try to think of other things which doesn’t work. So I guess it’s a bit of my emotions and the response someone else might have of me

[Valerie J]

Hi!

So when I'm referring to pleasure in your body I am talking about physical sensations that feel good and that you enjoy. Pleasure is an experience of our 5 senses that makes us feel good. That can be as simple as a warm bath, or a food that you really like eating, or the feeling of someone giving you a massage. Sexual pleasure is the same concept in the context of arousal. For example, the "tingling" sensation you've referred to previously would probably fit into the category of arousal and could be pleasurable if that's what you want. A lot of the articles you were reading mentioned that people generally think of sexual pleasure as something that comes from your genitals when the reality of the matter is there are so many different parts of the body you can explore and find that feel good in that context. So exploring what pleasure looks like in your body is the process of finding what feels good in what contexts.

Getting into this guilt you feel, I think its important to highlight the fact that sometimes the body gets aroused in contexts we don't want it to. It's very common for people to get aroused by things that we don't like or even things that we like but aren't looking for in that context. It is a physical response that does not necessarily match our mental one or fit a response that society deems acceptable. So try not to be too hard on yourself for the way your body reacts. I'm gonna link you to a few pieces that discuss this topic.

The Roundup of 'I get an erection when...' questions

How Do I Make These Erections Stop!?

The Great Arousal Mismatch: When Bodies and Brains Don't Line Up

One of the things you are identifying is context and the consent that comes with it. Seeing a drawing someone has made for educational purposes vs. seeing a drawing someone made for sexual purposes has a different impact on how you might feel about your response. In one scenario the artist is giving you permission to engage with it sexually and in another that's not its intended purpose. Now like I said, your arousal isn't something to be embarrassed about or feel bad about but I'm highlighting the difference because it's an important idea to think of as you get older and maybe eventually start engaging with sexual content with others. You've mentioned that you really have not seen what a vagina or penis has looked like before and so your exposure through a drawing might have a different response than someone who has seen that with great frequency. Additionally, it is a drawing - not a person and so ultimately it cannot respond to your arousal.
The general message I am getting at is: The intention someone has with their content or their body is what facilitates the concept of consent. A nude model may be consenting to you drawing them in an art class but not necessarily consenting to you engage with them sexually. Context is key and it's cool that you're picking up on that.

That being said. There is nothing wrong about being aroused or horny. Most of society feels that with great frequency. It's okay to imagine things in your head or to think about movies or people that you find attractive. There is nothing wrong or embarrassing about something that most people do. In fact, it is super healthy to be able to express your sexuality and the pleasure you feel with it. Pleasure is good!

So these are key concepts to keep in mind when tackling that guilt you feel: 1. Arousal is complicated and not a direct indication that you meant to be engaging with something sexually. 2. Context is something that is important when it comes to arousal and how you act on it. 3. Being horny is not bad and pleasure can be a wonderful wonderful thing. It is normal and okay.

Knowing all of this, how are you feeling? Does this make any sense?

Best,
Val

[Otter8]

I think I understand and it’s made me a bit more calm about everything. I think I do have a few sensitive areas around my body but they are mostly near my genitals like my balls. I also feel like my bum is quite sensitive which I notice when I’m cleaning myself. I get a tingly feeling but that is all I’ve done.

I have said this before but I feel like I want to masturbate more than I do but I just don’t have the privacy and if I do usually not for long enough. I find that my penis is very sensitive and pleasurable so touch it when I go to the toilet or in bed but then don’t have time to finish which leaves me annoyed. It’s only when I get a bath really that I can.

I’m not the best reader but what I got from what you were saying was that it’s ok to have those feelings if I see things I find arousing? I have the urge to look at vaginas more but I do feel like it is wrong since I can’t ask. Even if it’s a drawing. What should I do?

[Sofi]

What do you mean you feel like it's wrong since you can't ask? Can you elaborate on that?
But yes--it's okay to have those feelings!

[Otter8]

Yeah that’s ok. I just mean that If I saw a picture of someone and I liked it I would feel a bit guilty thinking about it later on. I don’t really know how to explain but I just feel wrong about it. It only really became a thing when I saw those drawings from the article a few days ago and I liked them and how different they were. I had an urge to want to see real ones but didn’t. I’m not sure if that helps. Sorry it’s all a bit of an embarrassing annoying mess

[Sofi]

Don't be embarassed, these are all normal feelings to have and you're not doing anything wrong. As Val explained, "The intention someone has with their content or their body is what facilitates the concept of consent. A nude model may be consenting to you drawing them in an art class but not necessarily consenting to you engage with them sexually. Context is key and it's cool that you're picking up on that." Keep this in mind when you're choosing what material to use to masturbate to--just because something turns you on, doesn't mean you need to use it as material (but also, don't feel guilty about any feelings of arousal. Acknowledge them for what they are). Also, you're not annoying!

[Otter8]

I see. I don’t think I have been using them to masturbate to. I saw them a few hours before I masturbated. But would it be ok if I did look at them when I masturbated? Usually touching for me just feels normal when I get a bit naked so when I go to the bathroom or get a bath I’m not sure why but I think I just like to be nude and let it hang so to speak. So could I take my phone and look at it whilst I did stuff?

[Emily N]

I’m glad you are doing what feels normal and pleasurable for you with your body, that’s great! Many people are aroused by certain photos or videos and enjoy looking at them while they masturbate and there’s no reason to feel guilty about doing that! Like Sofi said, even if something turns you on, you can decide whether you want to masturbate to it. If it feels “wrong” or inappropriate to you or you don’t want to, you don’t have to!