Scarleteen

I’m so tired of feeling so anxious around sex.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. I do, a lot. I love my boyfriend and I love being with him I’m every possible way, but it’s so hard to have sex without the threat of a pregnancy looming in my mind.

We use three methods every time. It’s probably overkill, but it makes me feel better. I take the combined pill about as close to perfect as humanly possible. He wears a condom, correctly, and afterwards we tie it off and pull on it to check for leaks like a couple of weirdos. He also pulls out well before he ejaculates, he knows when he’s getting close and promptly exits the premises. With all of that, I’m statistically more likely to get into a car accident and die, and I drive pretty darn safe.

I have access to an abortion if it ever needs to happen. It would be exhausting, and we’d have to be secretive, but it’s possible.

What gives man? Why me? I can’t afford to go back to therapy right now. I can really only rely on my meds, the stuff I did learn from therapy, and the cat to calm me down. And I can’t do brain surgery to remove my amygdala. I just want this to stop.

Hi Digdawg,

I’m so sorry you are carrying all this anxiety! We have quite a few people post on the boards about pregnancy anxiety, so you’re not alone. I’m glad that you are using some tools from past therapy, but I’m sorry that you can’t access a therapist right now. And if using multiple methods of birth control help you manage your anxiety, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! But you are so right - with three methods of birth control, there is a 0.01% chance of you getting pregnant.

I think the article “Impurity Culture: Pregnancy and Fear” has some really interesting points! It’s a good reminder that it’s not at all your fault that you are experiencing pregnancy anxiety, and that it’s actually not that easy to get pregnant.

If you feel like your anxiety is really hard to manage and outweighs the joy you get from sex, it’s also an option to have sex in ways that you definitely can’t get pregnant - using hands, mouths, toys, instead of penetration.

How are your levels of anxiety or stress in other parts of your life?

Hey Emily, I’m sorry I haven’t responded, I’ve had a really busy weekend.

For the most part my anxiety in other parts of my life is pretty tame (thank you magic SSRIs). I do get anxious doing things that could send me to the hospital if I screw up, I have a low pain tolerance and the idea of me getting any kind of medical procedure, even just bloodwork, gets me anxious. It was actually my white coat syndrome that got me diagnosed with anxiety in the first place.

It’s certainly gotten better though. Therapy and pills have gotten me to a point where I can just uncomfortably grit my teeth getting vaccines and I managed to not pass out after I got bloodwork in September.

With that said I think my hospital and pain anxiety contributes a lot to my pregnancy anxiety. I don’t ever plan on having kids (partly due to that anxiety and also because they just don’t interest me) so I will never have to deal with it but damn if it doesn’t still lurk in the back of my mind.

This past weekend I’ve been able to not think about all this anxiety by heavily studying for a Calc 2 test I have and getting worked up over that instead. That’s probably not good for me either but at least it doesn’t have the potential to damage my sex life long term.

Hi DigDawg,

All that detail is really helpful! When you've been working in therapy, have you and your therapist discussed tools and strategies for addressing pregnancy worries or those fears about medical procedures when they arise? Or have you developed tools for addressing anxiety that you know is out of proportion to your actual risks in your life more generally?

Also, good luck on your Calc test!

Hey Sam,

I never discussed pregnancy with my therapist because at the time I wasn’t sexually active so it just never came up. With that said I use what I’ve learned to keep myself calm. I use breathing techniques, grab my baby blankets (it’s ironic I use my baby blankets for pregnancy anxiety) and my cat and just try and chill out.

I’m also majoring in biology and have spent a lot of time hyperfixating on it and studying it as much as I can, including embryology. And from everything I’ve learned, I think I can confidently say that human sperm cells are kinda crap. They’re one of the smallest human cells and they’re only job is to just go in a direction and hope for the best. If you look at them wrong they die. And I find comfort in that.

I think I did okay on this calc test. I haven’t been doing good in this class (and I’m general if I’m gonna be honest) and I need to pass to complete my associates so I’m really hoping I did good. It was on sequences and series which I’ve found to be more easy to work with.

I'm glad you have some strategies for self soothing, those can he super helpful when you're dealing with anxiety spikes! And it's great that learning about embryology in more detail is helping you understand the reality of what sperm can and can't do, and how fragile they are in terms of the conditions they need to thrive.

If you notice that pregnancy anxiety rearing it's head again, I would bring it up with your therapist regardless of your level of sexual activity; sometimes diving in to how/why your anxiety likes to latch onto a certain topic can be really helpful.