Scarleteen

Title says a fair amount but I think it's important to elaborate. We started dating a few months back and I really, really like them. We've been taking things slow for some time now, and while I feel it's best to wait on sex for now that is something that ideally I want at some point? This is essentially my first relationship so I have been figuring things out but I do at least want to try it I suppose. Anyhow, recently we've been talking and they feel it is very likely that they are on the ace spectrum and would be uncomfortable with a situation like that so I feel torn. On one hand I really do like them and absolutely don't want to break up, but this is an important matter to me. How do I proceed? It kind of feels like there's no winning here.

Hi Spider_Queen,

This sounds like a really tough situation! It may help to think of it less like a situation where there's no winning and more like a situation where the solution that turns out to be best for both of you may be one where you don't stay romantically involved.

Since it sounds like sex is/might be an important component of dating for you, do you see yourself and your partner being in some form of non-monogamous relationship?

I honestly feel a bit weird responding to this now because in the time it took for me to check back and see that this has been approved a lot of stuff has happened. They told me they feel like they are transmasc, which has thrown me for a loop seeing as we were in a lesbian relationship. It's, been difficult to process, I don't want things to change but they can't stay as they are now, asking them to do so would be unfair obviously. I love them but I'm not sure how I'll feel when all the dust has settled so. This is a long way of saying I guess the problem has been resolved by a bigger one?

It does sound like they're going through a period of working out multiple things about their identity, and like you're in the middle of processing the information too. We're happy to talk with you as you work out how you feel (or after), and I also encourage you to check out this advice column that was written for someone in a similar situation: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... oned_and_i

Thank you for the resource. I’ve seen this before but not given it an especially in depth look so now might be the time to do so. That being said we had quite the conversation yesterday, I explained my feelings in the matter to them and they explained theirs. It was certainly hard but I think we’re on the same page now? In general they want to take some time to figure out themself and the see where we stand on things, and I did explain to them that going forward this may change our relationship/cause me to lose interest in dating them, which they took alright at least. I’m certainly doing better than I was yesterday but that feels like it’s not saying much considering how sad I was? I just feel kinda down generally I think this entire situation has been incredibly draining for me, and I’d assume it’s been no easier on them as well

Hey Spider_Queen -- that conversation sounded like it was really hard, but I think your honesty shows how much you care. It sounds like both of you need some time to process. In the meantime, how are you taking care of yourself? Do you have someone in your life that is supportive? How or where do you find comfort? I ask because you mentioned that this all felt draining and had you feeling down, and we always like to check in about the processing of tough situations like this.

Well I’d normally seek my partner out for comfort but that would feel awkward as of right now. I do have friends who have been helping me though. I’ve basically just spent the last two days in bed watching random shows and such as it’s about as close to not doing anything as I can manage. It’s hard not to think about though, as it’s still fresh in my mind and they felt like a big part of my life so it has been something I’ve been unable to avoid dwelling upon despite my best wishes

Hi Spider_Queen,

It's okay is you've been feeling low the last two days and like that conversation and the changes in your relationship are taking up a lot of brain space. In fact, I'd say that's a very understandable reaction; you sort of in a grieving process for the relationship you once had, and those can hit us pretty hard when they're fresh.

I'm glad you've been able to talk with friends and get support there, and if what's helping you feel a little better is to sort of zone out with some good shows, then that's a good step in taking care of yourself. If you decide you need a change of pace, this article is really helpful:
Self-Care a La Carte

To make sure I'm understanding right, was the end result of that conversation with your partner that you decided to continue dating for now?

Well, we’ve decided not to break up just yet, since I’m not entirely sure how this *will* affect things and they don’t seem to fully know either in that they’re unsure of what being transmasc really means to them. I do believe the goal is give each other a bit of space to process and then see what’s up when they’re at a more concrete place with this

Got it, I wanted to make sure I had the right picture of what was going on. Are there particular ways we could support you around this right now?

I don’t know, to be perfectly honest. Posting here has helped ease things I think. It feels like this is gonna be really rough no matter what of course, they were one of the only people I was out to as a trans woman so if we do end up splitting finding another partner would be difficult but at the end of the day I don’t really want another partner? Regardless I think the only thing that’s left to do is see how things develop which regrettably is something I don’t have much agency in.

I think you're right that a large part of this is just going to be seeing how things change as they continue exploring their identity. If you need help with this situation as it develops, or if you ever want to talk about some of those challenges that come with looking for partners while trans, that's certainly something you're welcome to bring up here.

Well as of now we’ve essentially broken up which was not really the outcome I saw coming. Especially seeing as it was them who called things off. To summarize I misunderstood a bit of their intentions, essentially they feel uncomfortable being in a relationship right now, and want to figure themselves out whereas I had assumed things would be business as normal while they did that, which to be fair was perhaps a foolish assumption. I feel a bit gutted, this isn’t necessarily permanent but there’s no guarantee that it’s not. When asking them if they still had feelings for me in a romantic sense they said that they weren’t sure as they still liked being around me and talking to me and just me in general but that there was something that always felt strange about with them being ftm (which apparently spending time with me helped them realize they were) and that they don’t want a romantic relationship right now. I think I kinda mentioned earlier that the idea of trying to date as a trans woman really scares me and without them that fear has come slightly more into focus seeing as it seems like something I’ll have to grapple with more

Hi Spider Queen,

I read through your thread, and I'm really sorry about this breakup. It's great, though, that you've been honest with each other about your expectations and current needs. How do you feel about them saying that they still like you, but not necessarily romantically? Is it comforting to you, at all? Also, I don't think I understood what you meant by "there was something that always felt strange about with them being ftm", could you clarify?

You did mention that dating as a transwoman is scary to you earlier, yes. Would you mind elaborating on that a little bit?

To be honest I’m not sure how I feel on that first bit. I’m glad they want to have me as a friend but as I do still have romantic feelings it’s cold comfort, + the embarrassment of misreading their intentions is lingering hard. As for your second question I wish I could clear that up, but those are their words, not mine, and I’m not entirely sure what they mean. If I were to guess (and it feels like a reasonable one imo) I’d say what they meant is that they liked me, but being ftm somehow made the relationship feel strange, possibly due to the fact it was ostensibly a lesbian relationship.

Dating as a trans woman worries me in general because as of right now I’m not out, making finding a partner a bit hard imo as I’d want to be in a relationship with someone who knows that I’m a woman and is comfortable with it. On top of that, while it’s not the rule I’ve seen a lot of terf ideology and transmisogyny coming from certain parts of sapphic communities, and there’s certainly a good amount of transphobia that gets thrown around by men as well. It’s partially a safety thing for those reasons but additionally it’s been a big fear of mine that no one will want to date me because I am transgender or because of my body (as of yet no bottom surgery, and I don’t know if I plan on getting it in the future). Of course while they were willing to date me them leaving definitely makes me worry about if they’ll come back/if anyone else would even be willing to date me. Their affection meant a lot to me, and it always felt very validating because I felt like they saw me as a woman so losing that feels a bit weird

Hey Spider_queen,

I want to say first of all that your feelings are valid. You’re right, terf ideology and transmisogyny exist in those communities and elsewhere, but that also doesn’t mean that there aren’t also people that will see you and appreciate you as a woman. While I’m sure this breakup has been difficult, I think it’s also important to appreciate what you had and understand that you will be able to find someone who also loves you as a woman.
Back to what you mentioned earlier- do you feel that you can still be friends with this person despite having some lingering romantic feelings towards them?

Well I certainly *want* to be friends with them, but interacting has been really hard. To be fair the incident is still fresh so hopefully that’ll get easier with time but it’s hard to say. They’re one of my closest friends so I’d rather not lose them in that capacity as well of course

Hi Spider_Queen,

Everything you're describing makes a lot of sense. I will say that, even for folks who do stay friends with their exes, there's usually a break period between ending the romantic relationship and re-starting the friendship; as you're discovering, when the break-up is still fresh and can be hard to be around your ex, even if you know you want to be friends in the long run. So, I think you're right that this is mostly a matter of giving yourself a little time and space to grieve the romantic relationship before you're able to dive back into being friends.