Sexual choices

[Robinjen]

Hi there, so I've been having troubles with I believe my sexual choices. Me and my partner dry hump and from what I've read there's no possible chances of pregnancy. I've also talked to my mom about this and how I wanted to be more careful and responsible, and she actually helped me and talked to me about birth control if I ever do have sex. But I'm still dryhumping and with the huge scare I had, I just don't want to do it anymore. But It happens once the moment comes, I guess lust. I've tried keeping promises to myself about these things, but of course they are broken. I know it may sound stupid, but I want to keep myself from doing these kinds of things. I just need some advise on what I can do to help me stop. Thankyou so much for your answers.

[Jacob]

Hi Robinjen,

I think in situations like this where we feel we are 'breaking promises to ourselves' or feeling like we can't control urges, it usually means that actually we have priorities which conflict, some of which we may not admit.

I can see why trying to quit dry humping would be difficult, simply because if you enjoy it, there aren't really many strong reasons not to... the benefits may simply outweigh the negatives for you, and pleasure is a pretty substantial benefit. I think it is really worth acknowledging that and that you do have those different desires, one to experience physical pleasure and intimacy, and another to do some gesture which feels like it could reduce your anxiety around pregnancy.

I think that is really where this leads outside of what Scarleteen can offer... if you're really struggling with fear of an impossible thing it's going to be very difficult to balance that with the part of yourself which knows better, without a bit of help from someone specialised in mental health.

Really this is about having some trust and acceptance in your own decisions. Sometimes we make decisions and the outcomes are good, other times they're not so good, but either way we did what seemed best at the time. Have you tried to access mental health support before?

[Robinjen]

Hi Jacob
No I have not. I know I should, but it's possibly not worth it. I just really want to stop doing this. Every time it does happen, I have a fear of pregnancy occurring. And I always do my best to remember that it's not possible (from what I've read from scarleteen) but I can't help it. Every time dry humping occurs I can't help but have that fear in my mind. That's why I would really like to stop. Thankyou again for your reply.

[Heather]

Bearing in mind that sex never "occurs," but is something people have to actively choose to do (when it is consensual), have you started by telling your partner you do not want to do this anymore? If not, that's your first step, particularly if, in the heat of the moment, when it's something they and you want, you don't feel assertive enough, or otherwise able, to say no.

That way, if you just make this clear, then your partner will know it's not even on the table, so they'll know not to go there,and if you do, they'll know to check in with you about that since you said clearly it wasn't something you want to do.

[Robinjen]

Hi Heather
Thankyou for your reply. I'm going to tell my partner that I don't feel so comfortable doing this anymore. Hopefully I will be able to stop. Thankyou again for your reply I really do appreciate it.

[Heather]

I'd make sure you do say what you really mean. In other words, "I'm not so comfortable anymore," is pretty different from, "I am VERY uncomfortable with this, it triggers anxiety for me, and I just need to take it off the table for now."

If that's not what you meant, are you were thinking more a kind of statement that seems to downplay what you really want and are really feeling, do you need any help or guidance in terms of being assertive and setting limits? Or a reminder that you get to only, ever, do anything sexual that you DO feel comfortable with and 100% want (which is what everyone is entitled to)?

[Robinjen]

Hi Heather
Well, it does make me feel very uncomfortable and causes me to have anxiety, so I do want to take it off the table for now, until I'm sure I am truly ready. I would like some help on setting my limits, with what I'm comfortable with doing and not doing.
Thankyou for your reply.

[Eddie C]

Hi there, robinjen! I hope you don't mind me pitching in your convo with Heather but, have you seen these couple of articles we have on the site? If not, I'd advice giving them the chance as they might be helpful with what you are asking.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... g_too_fast
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... _a_partner
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _stocklist
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... _checklist

Hope any of these work for you!

[Robinjen]

Hi Edith
Thankyou for showing me the articles. They actually helped me a ton. I would like to focus on other things to this relationship
Better communication is a big one.
Once again thank you so much for the articles and your reply.