I not sure what happened

[miskosou]

Hi another question from me because i am unsure if this was weird or not

So, when i was around 9 or 10 i actually cant remeber my age back then i had this game with my uncle where i would sit on his lap and id try to wriggle out of his grasp but im not sure why but he would always pull my trousers down on the way down of me wriggling out. Like as i was falling off his lap he would hold onto the waist band and id like slip out of them. Now i cant remember if instead it was usually my socks or shoes he would take off and the trousers were a one time thing, or if it was usually my trousers and he one time took my pants off too. I think it was the latter? He would also have a game where he would tickle me a lot but like half the time i made him bc it was funny. I can never remember what happens afterwards but i dont know if it was weird or a family thing.

Another weird family thing is my late 30s cousin who was very drunk kissed me on the lips infront of his girlfriend and he was also rubbing mg thighs and looking at my chest. I was 14 and one of my sister said it was just a family thing and im not sure if it was a sexual assault or nah. I get really upset and conflicted over it whenever i think about it. Soz lol

[Siân]

Hi miskosou,

Based on this and your other posts, it sounds like your family have some pretty messed up ideas of boundaries and what is appropriate. You've got a few threads going at the minute so perhaps we can link this bit up with your other thread here, but I will say that yes, what you're describing with your cousin could fall within the definition of sexual assault, and your sister saying it's "just a family thing" was wildly out of line.

[miskosou]

Thabk you, im just always so conflicted about it because im worried it really was a family thing. My dad told him off and he said he was embarrassed qnd sorry so i feel super bad becausehe probably didn't evem mean it. I dont get why he did it thouh. He is always looking at me weirdly and at my chest but that night i think if his girlfriend wasnt there somehig worse would have happened because he only stopped because she said stop it
He was proper rubbing my thighs and getting close to my area and he wasnt just looking downwards i looked at him and he had to look up properly from my chest bt my sister said everyone looks down
My mum also brushed it off when i tolf her but apparently it was because she thought it wss a kiss on the cheek

[Mo]

There really is no acceptable reason for someone to do this to a family member (or to a child at all, regardless of whether they're related). It sounds like neither of your parents treated this as seriously as they should have, although that certainly sounds like part of a larger pattern based on your other thread. I'm sorry they haven't been a good support for you in this.

[miskosou]

I know, i just cant get over that it probably wasnt even a big deal and that he was just drunk and didnt even mean it and that it was probably my fault or some stuff like that .
Like it surely wasnt even enough to be sexual assault and it was just some dumb drunk mistake and i dhould just get over it

[Sam W]

If it helps to know, we (and most other places, including the law) define sexual assault as "doing something sexual to someone who does not want that done to them." So, by that definition, what he did can be considered sexual assault (and the fact he was drunk matters not one bit; lots of people get drunk and manage to not assault family members. He made a choice to do those things to you).

But more than that, even if this didn't meet the definition of sexual assault, it distressed you and is still distressing you, and that matters. It's not your fault he chose to do those things, just like it's not your fault that your family is incredibly prone to minimizing or excusing sexually predatory behavior and dismissing your feelings about it. Have you ever looked into any kind of resources aimed specifically at survivors? If not, would you like us to help you find some (you're actually at one already, since we're happy to support you in whatever way we can, but right now it sounds like you could use all the support you can get).

[miskosou]

Help doesnt really work anymore
I feel so dramatic

[Sam W]

You're not being dramatic; as far as I can see, you're having a completely understandable reaction to someone violating your boundaries in a big way and people who should have your best interests in mind telling you it was no big deal.

Can you tell me what kind of help you've gotten in the past and why it didn't work for you?

[miskosou]

For the grooming thing i mentioned in my other post, i was made to do therapy until i was fixed and i had also got a camhs (which SUCKS) therapist, they all just made me talk aboht stuff like that but talking never worked. Like i would talk about it and my problems would still be there. All talking about it did was remind me it happened.
Other than that, nothig. Ive asked if i could get a new therapist but my mum said probably not

[Sam W]

I can absolutely understand why that approach to therapy didn't do much, especially if it wasn't coupled with more concrete tools for addressing feelings of depression or treated the fact your were groomed as something about you that needed fixing. I mentioned in my other post some resources that might help with finding therapy, but I'll also give you this to help you navigate the process: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy.

Do you want to try coming up with a script here to use on your mom to see if you can convince her to help you locate a different therapist?