Im not sure whats wrong with my body

[miskosou]

Hi i feel this is tmi but i need somewhere to ask
i like cant finger myself, i cry and gag and want to vomit when i try and no matter what i do i cant get it in, its like a mental block. I lke want to cry when i think about myself doing it, but its only the idea of my doing it i just cant do it i try but i just gag Its not like i dont want to and im forcing myself to, because i do want to my body just refuses to let me. I also cant feel pleasure, barely??? Like whenever i try i justget less turned on by myself somehow. I dont know why this is hapening and its so frustrating.
I want to, so badly but my body just isnt cooperating!!!!!!! Help

[Siân]

Hi miskosou,

I don't think there is anything wrong with your body. Based on your other posts, it sounds like you've been put in a lot of sexual situations where you've been made to feel pretty unsafe, and been blamed a lot for other people's actions. I can't say for sure that the two things are related, but it doesn't seem that surprising you'd feel a lot of overwhelming stuff with sex and masturbation. As I said on your other thread, speaking to someone to help you sort through some of those experiences might be really helpful for you.

Can you tell me a bit more about what your motivation is for trying to masturbate? It's totally normal and healthy to explore your body and try to work out what turns you on, but it kind of sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself! Are you trying other things too, or mostly trying to put your fingers inside yourself? Because a lot of people with vulva's actually get a lot more enjoyment from more external stimulation, and maybe taking it slower and letting yourself be guided by what DOES feel good could be a better way to go. Would you like to talk a bit more about what that might look like?

[miskosou]

Somy main motivation is just to feel pleasure i tthink? I want like a stress reliever i guess but i just want to feel somehing down there.
Ive tried just the outside but if im wet or something and whenever i start trying to outside touch i literally make myself dry within minutes. I turn myself off and its so frustrating. I try to like roleplay w myself to try see if it workks but i just get tired and i feel no pleasure on my chest, which is equally frustrating. Ive never orgasmed or anything because i get dry so quickly and it just hurts to continue and my stomach/ that kind of area feels horrible when i finally feel pleasure for any amount of time.
I wish i could guide myswlf with what actually does feel good but at this point nothing does
And like its not because of peer pressure or anything bc i just want to know what it feels like and be able to do it. Though it would be nice to be like the othhers at my agw

[Mo]

I'm sorry that masturbation is feeling so frustrating right now. I do want to say that feeling frustrated or upset during any kind of sexual activity, whether that's partnered sex or masturbation, is unlikely to lead to pleasure, so if you find yourself feeling annoyed or frustrated, what I'd recommend is that you take a break and not try to keep pushing through that feeling.

When you're masturbating, is it something you're doing when you're already feeling aroused? If you're not already in that state of mind when you start, that may be part of the reason why you aren't feeling a lot of pleasure.

If it helps to hear it, it is very common for people your age to still be figuring out what works for them during masturbation. It's understandable that you want to know how it feels, and I hope you're able to figure it all out soon, but I think it's important to keep in mind that you aren't unusual at all for not having all the answers yet.

[miskosou]

Im usually in that state of mind wheni try to, like i can be perfectly into it and wantig to do it but the second i start my body just stops being into it, like it just stops. Ive tried a load of things to try get myself into it but like nothig works. I can feel sexual attraction and all that but i just cant feel the sexual pleasure. Ive only once in my life felt pleasure by touching but then my stomach got really really sore from it and i had to stop

[Carly]

Hey miskosou -- I'm so sorry this is has been so frustrating. You've done a good job of explaining what happens and how it feels when you try to masturbate. I'm not sure if there's something we can say that will make it easier immediately, but we can try to talk more about how you're feeling and see if that helps make it any better. It's common for people to have an emotion that manifests physically, like getting a headache if something is annoying or bothersome to us. Does your stomach ever hurt when you're anxious or if you feel you've done something wrong? Mine does. Has anyone or anything ever made you feel like (or outright told you) masturbation was bad?

[miskosou]

when i get in trouble ot anxious i dont feel anything anymore because its judt a common occurrence, lol
No ones ever told me it was bad but ive been forbidden to watch porn or anything sexual bc my mum just doesnt allow it and bans everything on and about it so idk if that has anythig todo with it

[Carly]

It sounds like you get a lot of sex-negative messaging at home - not quite someone telling you directly that it's bad, but doing things that restrict the ways you could possibly learn more about it or be exposed to it. It could maybe have an impact on how you feel. Other than banning stuff, has your mom talked to you about masturbation or sex?

[miskosou]

No shes not, she just avoids it i think and when i tried to tell her i couldnt finger myself she just went "thats normal lol" even when i told her it made me cry and almost vomit
My mums whole thing is instead of talking just ban it