Was it my fault and am i being punished too harshly

[miskosou]

[So. Last question by me! For now.
I started getting groomed by old3r men when i was 9. In the sense of id talk to them online and usually through omegle and theyd make me lift my top and send them photos and dirty talk. My mum and das found out ans gave me into trouble by showing me a video of me talking on omegle and being like is that you? Huh is that you? I was 10 by that point and they took away my laptop for 4 years. By this point they started restricting my phone access and puttig limits on everything but they never really supported me. I misrd the attention i got from the older men and felt i wasnt worth it without it. So it continued on instagram. Men would dm me and id have to send them photos and videos of my body and id just let it happen a because i felt special. My phone use got restricted further due to me being a little sh.t on the internet but the continued grooming wasnt found out at that time. At 12 /13 or so My time limits got worse and eventually i got all social media taken away and all that. My parents really just focused on the whole punishment part instead of the caring part. Eventually i was allowed a laptop again, i was 13/14 by now and it was for online school. I worked around social media blocks because i felt lonely without them and got drawn back into it again and i got groomed further for another year and eventually it came down to personal people who would consistently ask for pics and videos and would get upset if i didnt. It was not the best situation but i was happier than i am now. Basically my mum found out about it due to me downloading a different browser, microsoft edge. She found out about everything and took away my laptop, phone, nintendo, everything. Grounded me for 2 months, in whih im not allowed outisde so i was isolated. My parents punished me for other bad things i did online i later got grounded for another month. My parents never said it wasnt my fault, they just gave me into deep trouble and said i caused so much stress and that i should be sorry and eventually i had to apologise to them for it. Im not allpwed allowed any internet access until im 18 and im on a monitered nokia and im not allowdd anything with a chat system, and they say they cant trusr me witb anything anymore. They had to debate if im allowed minecraft, thoughthey claim they want to move on. It has been a year and a half now and ive just turned 16. Ive never been more depressed due to all the punishment and lack of care. Theyve made me think its my fault and i dont even know if it was considered grooming and one of my sisters said it seemed like i sought it out. The other said she wasnt a professional so she couldnt say if it wasnt my fault or not. I just dont see joy in life anymore and j wish i was like the other teens my age. It feels like they dont care and theyve reduced me down to so little. The police dropped my case and didnt even talk to me. Nothings happened to the men who hurt me and i was the one who got in trouble for it. I hate it so much.

[Siân]

Hi miskosou,

None of what you're describing is okay, and it's not your fault. You were taken advantage of by people much older than yourself, adults that were entirely responsible for their own actions and their behaviour was completely unacceptable - and illegal.

I'm so sorry that you have received only punishment and no help or support. You've been let down by the adults who are meant to be caring for you. Perhaps they were motivated by trying to protect you, but to really do that they should have been looking out for your emotional wellbeing too - and that means not putting all the blame on you and making you feel bad for other people's actions.

What do you want to do now? It's not too late to get you some of that emotional care and support - are you up for finding a safe person to speak to and start working through some of the hurt this has cause you?

[miskosou]

I am overwhelmed that you really think it wasnt my fault, i am so thankful thank you
I do understand that they are just trying to protect me but i think they have went too far in the sense of i am much more depressed now than i was then. Since ive not been allowed a phone or anything for years now I haven't been able to focus on the trauma i actuallywent through. Since i have this little tablet i took soi have an outlet ive been able to get through some of it btits really difficult to process and actually grasp it wasnt my fault buti would love emotinal support from the ooutside but my mum said im probably not allowed a therapist becauseshe doesnt think i need one
so sorryfor thebad sentences im not used to typing

[Mo]

Do you think you'd be up for asking your mom again about seeing a therapist? We could try and connect you with some resources for finding care in your area, if you think doing some of that work and presenting it to her would make her more likely to agree to it. It definitely sounds like accessing some care would be helpful for you.

I know Siân said it above, but it sounds like you've had a lot of people tell you that all of this was your fault, so let me be another person saying it wasn't at all. Adults who knew better took advantage of you, manipulated you, harmed you, and the other adults in your life chose to blame you for that and punish you instead of helping you. You deserve so much more than that. You aren't to blame for any of this.

[miskosou]

Ive tried asking my mum fora therapist agai but she just set me up with one i previously had but she didnt help me at all and my mum just said tough sh,t.
Its just hard to process thr fact i was the one that got punished for somethingthatwasnt my fault but then again it just feels like jt was because i kept going back to the old men so it was basically my fault

[Sam W]

Can I ask what about the previous therapist was unhelpful? And if you want, we can talk about ways for you to access a therapist or other mental health resources who might be more helpful for you, and that you might be able to access without your mom acting as gatekeeper.

I'm going to echo everyone else in this thread by saying that what happened wasn't your fault; it was squarely on the men who were asking a child for sexual things. Grooming is also a particular set of strategies, one that makes it hard for the targeted person to spot or resist what's happening (you can read about them here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abus ... rom_online). I'm reiterating those ideas because it sounds like you have been told this is your fault for years; that's a big part of why it can be hard to believe it was anything else.

You mentioned that all of this is, understandably, making your life pretty joyless. Are there things in your life (hobbies, media, friendships, etc) that have previously made you happy? Or things that, when you think about doing them, make you excited? Are there things you could do to bring those activities or items back into your life?

[miskosou]

she basically just went through slideshows of how to act appropriatly online or gave me sheets to fill out.
the other one just nodded and went mhmmmm whenever i mentioned an issue and defended my parents


I wish i could have the energy to do the things that bring me joy, but nothing does anymore. I think of the things that did and im like oh just go do them and my body just feels so heavy and i literally cannot get up from my bed,like my body just gave up on me. Its the same with most things now, i just cant leave my bed for unessential things anymore. I feel so tired and energless (lol) i barely get up to eat anymore and when i do i dont finish my meals. I wish, i truly wish i could do things that bring me joy, but i cant.

[Heather]

What you're describing is what severe depression feels like. I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way. It's so hard to be so, so deep in it like that. I'm also sorry that it sounds like so far the adults you've encountered haven't responded appropriately to you, to what was done to you, and to the state you're in.

I know how hard it is to motivate oneself to do anything in such deep depression (and probably some grief, too), but if you can try and corral some energy at some point, like you have to post here, I have a couple help suggestions in the UK for you.

Safeline is a hotline for young people who have been victims of sexual abuse: 0808 800 5007. They will support you in the ways you haven't been supported. I think just hearing someone do that for you, in your actual ears, might be very beneficial for you. They can also help you find local help services. They have a website, if you prefer or want to check them out first: https://www.safeline.org.uk/

Mind.uk has a helpline where they could talk you through how to get the kind of help that you need. It seems that at the very least, you need someone to give you some qualified treatment for this depression so you can at least start caring for yourself and living your life again, including starting the process of healing from the trauma you're dealing with: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

Youth Access is a youth-centered organization that lists local counseling services for young people: https://www.youthaccess.org.uk.

[miskosou]

Thank you, though i dont trust hotline numbers because theyget the police on me, and my parents just give me into trouble
ill look at the other links but idk man
Thank you

[Sam W]

I hope the other links are helpful!

You mentioned the hotline calling in the police previously; did they ever tell you why that happened or what policy was behind it?