I'm in a relationship, but I keep feeling unsure about it

[tontontonton]

Hello, I'm 18 and a lesbian and this summer I got together with one of my best friends.

We were both mutually crushing on each other, flirting a little, and generally being sweet. I couldn't stand the wait any longer and initiated a talk about relationships, and then she accepted and then we were girlfriends. We haven't met in real life but we've both decided that we would meet once it's possible. We also talked about how we weren't sure we would fall in love with someone really deeply, so we might as well date since we have feelings for each other.

It's just that after we got together, both our schools started too, so we have been seeing less of each other and spending less time together. I got really insecure after a while and just started wondering if she really likes me the way I want, or if I really feel romantic love for her and not only temporary infatuation. But I did feel love for her, I know because I noticed it when it happened, but now I'm just really confused about what I should do.

Should I break up with her before we can get too entangled for our friendship to be salvaged? I've been having these thoughts about a potential "great love" that might pass me by while I'm dating my gf, and the thought fills me with so much heartbreak that I want to cry. But at the same time I feel so selfish and cruel about leaving just because a deeper relationship might come. I want to love her and be loved in return, but I'm not certain it will happen. Is it possible that I'm aro and pining for an idealized version of love or just in the wrong relationship?

[Sam W]

Hi tontontonton,

It sounds like there are a few things making this whole situation even trickier. One is that you two have never met face to face. Now, lots of relationships start and flourish online, but it can sometimes to be tricky to gauge our attraction, or even just our connection, to another person if we've only ever met them through a screen, and I wonder if some of that is contributing to you feeling like something is missing in this relationship.

Too, it sounds like you're a little focused on this idea of love, or even a Great Love, and that this relationship isn't that and, in fact, you two agreed to it feeling like it was the best available option. Were you excited to be in a relationship with her?

I think it's sound not to want to end a relationship just because something better might be passing you by. And that you're right that it can help to make sure you're not assuming being in love with someone will look some idealized way. But it's also okay to decide a relationship just isn't working for you. Does being with your girlfriend make you feel happy and excited? Or does it make you feel something else?

[tontontonton]

Hi tontontonton,

It sounds like there are a few things making this whole situation even trickier. One is that you two have never met face to face. Now, lots of relationships start and flourish online, but it can sometimes to be tricky to gauge our attraction, or even just our connection, to another person if we've only ever met them through a screen, and I wonder if some of that is contributing to you feeling like something is missing in this relationship.

Too, it sounds like you're a little focused on this idea of love, or even a Great Love, and that this relationship isn't that and, in fact, you two agreed to it feeling like it was the best available option. Were you excited to be in a relationship with her?

I think it's sound not to want to end a relationship just because something better might be passing you by. And that you're right that it can help to make sure you're not assuming being in love with someone will look some idealized way. But it's also okay to decide a relationship just isn't working for you. Does being with your girlfriend make you feel happy and excited? Or does it make you feel something else?

I think you're right. I often feel that if we met face to face it would be so much easier to know where I stand in the relationship, but unfortunately that date is still very far away in the future.

I really was excited to be with her, and I do genuinely like her, it's just that this is also my first relationship and I don't know much about how it works, how it feels overall when you really connect to someone, so I always second-guess myself. I don't know if it would be different with a different relationship (I will likely feel the same insecurities and worries) but I also keep feeling on edge and wary that something will happen or I'll finally mess up, or my gf will finally come to her senses and break up with me, except some of that might be my own issues messing up my rationality.

I also feel like ever since we got together, I've lost some of my ability to open up to her. When we call I feel awkward and aimless and can't think of a single thing to say. It might be that she's more reserved and my weird psyche thinks that means she isn't interested? I'm assuming a lot about her sometimes and it keeps me from explaining my thoughts and feelings.

[Sam W]

That detail is all really helpful!

You mention some anxiety around the idea that you'll mess this up or she'll "come to her senses" and end things. Where do you think that anxiety is coming from? How is your self-confidence when it comes to other things?

I think these two articles might be really helpful, since some of what you're describing is being anxious about how to even navigate being in a romantic relationship: Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship, Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models.

When you call each other, does it feel like some of the awkwardness is coming from feeling like there are things partners "should" talk about or ways they should talk to each other? Or maybe some of that same fear that you'll mess things up? Too, are the calls over the phone, or are they on a channel where you can see as well as hear each other?

[tontontonton]

That detail is all really helpful!

You mention some anxiety around the idea that you'll mess this up or she'll "come to her senses" and end things. Where do you think that anxiety is coming from? How is your self-confidence when it comes to other things?

I think these two articles might be really helpful, since some of what you're describing is being anxious about how to even navigate being in a romantic relationship: Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship, Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models.

When you call each other, does it feel like some of the awkwardness is coming from feeling like there are things partners "should" talk about or ways they should talk to each other? Or maybe some of that same fear that you'll mess things up? Too, are the calls over the phone, or are they on a channel where you can see as well as hear each other?

I don't think I'm a good person to fall in love with. I'm usually most concerned about myself and empathy is hard to muster, and when I manage it I don't know how to say the right thing. I think it might have to do with me not being sure of my identity, so I'm trying to use this relationship to understand where I stand (except that doesn't seem like a good idea at all). I have no idea where these negative thoughts might be coming from otherwise. Usually I'm very blunt and capable of ignoring potential embarrassment.

Thank you for the articles! I'll read them and try to put them to practice.

We only call over discord; there's the option to use the camera, but we usually don't for various reasons (like phone battery dying quicker, late hour, unsuitable environment). I always feel like she must be feeling as awkward as I do, or that she doesn't really want to talk and is just there so it might soothe her conscience or such. It makes NO SENSE but it still makes me feel frustrated and on edge. Sometimes I think conversation should be easy and relaxing to engage in, because that's how it is with friends, but it's not easy or as smooth, so that definitely sticks out to my subconscious as "something isn't right".

Thank you for the replies by the way, I appreciate them a lot. It makes me feel relieved that I'm talking to someone about this.

[Valerie J]

Hi!

I'm so glad talking with Sam has been helpful. I wanted to pop in here and see if we can talk through some of what you're feeling.

To start, this

I don't think I'm a good person to fall in love with.

is a pretty strong statement. I'd like to challenge that. "Good" implies that there are some people in society that are 'good' at love and some that are 'bad' and will always be bad and I simply disagree. I think we are capable of love and being loved - I think it just looks different for different people. We all love in very unique ways. We show our care for others and ourselves in a variety of ways and it's possible for the way you care for others to not match up with someone else's needs but that doesn't make you a bad person to love. Specifically in relation to what you talked about, social cues and "knowing the right thing to say" is hard and does not come easily for a lot of people and that's okay!

Despite what most modern TV shows and movies say, knowing exactly what your partner needs without them needing to say anything is not fundamentally what makes a relationship work or even is what love looks like. What makes relationships strong is communication. Communicating that it might be hard for you to provide certain support and trying to brainstorm ways both of your needs can be met either by you or someone else in their life. I bet there are ways you contribute to relationships that folks who are hyperfocused on emotional intuition probably miss. Have you ever taken a moment to stop and think about all the good things you bring to relationships, romantic or not?


Have you considered bringing any of this up with your girlfriend? Being honest about the anxieties that are coming up could really help you engage in your conversation in a more similar capacity to when you were chatting before your relationships. It sounds like you've been putting a lot of pressure on yourself to perform the role of "girlfriend" in a way that doesn't work with you. So of COURSE you're gonna be stressed about what to say and do. I think being honest about what you are stressed about can give you an opportuntiy to deepen your relationship. When you work through conflict or anxieties with another person you both get the chance to reimagine what your relationship looks like and how you build a strong foundation of care. Additionally, working on finding time to actually meet on video chat and see each other can only help this process.

Online relationships can be hard because they require a level of communication that might not be needed in person (or that people assume is unneeded). The reality of the matter is you cannot guess how your girlfriend is feeling and if she's uncomfortable with what you are saying ESPECIALLY if you can't even see her face. I think you've put a lot of importance on everything going smoothly but that's not necessarily something that can be achieved organically. Trying to really say, "hey, what are you thinking about?" or "It kind of feels like we are both anxious about something, can we talk about that?" can help facilitate that process to get it feeling smoother. Because you did change a component of your friendship through it becoming a relationship. It doesn't mean you can't have the same things, it just means there are expectations you are putting on yourself and maybe expectations that your girlfriend is feeling that you should talk out. Overall, I really think being transparent with where you're at could really help out. Relationships don't need to be "smooth" for them to be good. Sometimes, the clunky awkwardness of trying to figure out how to care for another person and be vulnerable with yourself, is exactly what makes a relationship thrive. Remember, this is a partnership. You don't have to go through all this alone.

You mentioned you being unsure about your identity; can you tell me more about that? What are you maybe feeling anxious about?

Additionally, it sounds like there are a lot of things creating anxiety in your life right now. Have you ever considered getting a therapist if that's something accessible to you?


Let me know what you think!

Best,
Val