Im struggling to cope with the fact im not 12 anymore

[miskosou]

im 16, and i only just turned it. i cant describe my emotions rigt now but im having difficulty accepting im no longer 12 or younger. I have responsibilities and trauma to deal with and i want to go back
I really want to go back
I know in the grand scheme of things, im quite young but im not feeling it. I have prelims to do and colleges to pick out and since im leaving secondary a year early, im in my last year of it. This is it. After the years of struggling and troubles of primaryand secondary its just almost done.

It doesnt help to cope that my brain just forgets my life as i live it so it really feels like i was 11 yesterday, just starting s1 with my choppy haircut and highlights with my bright blue side bag and im now an s5, leaving soon.
I just, i feel ive missed out on so much, especially because i havent had a phone for the past years. Ive just sat in my room for endless hours, dissacociating so i dont have to deal with my own reality. And i know ill continue to do it.
i dont feel real anymore and everything just feels... empty. I feel empty, my room feels empty, my house feels empty.
Everything feels off, tapping on this tablet feels off, being awake feels off, and like im just a figment of my own imagination.
Ive forgotten so many things, so many happy memories and childhood gems. I forget schoolwork, i forget chores i forget words and sentences and im never in the present anymore. I dont remember even being 15 and i was literally just it. I said earlier, but it feels like ive just pressed fast forward or skip on everything and here i am. I long for a life where i feel okay and, not like this inbetween bs because what is the point to life if you cant even remember living it?

thanks for reading ig

[Heather]

I think you're doing a pretty great job describing your feelings, both here and in other posts. I'm so sorry this is the way that you've been feeling, this and the other things you've been talking about. This is so much to carry. I get it, I'm someone who was also carrying a whole lot -- including a lot of trauma, a lot of depression -- when I was around the same age you are, and I can totally relate to having felt some of the ways you've described. Wanting to go back to a time before trauma hit and before other responsibilities and expectations got piled on is so understandable, especially when you're in a depressed and traumatized state AND not being supported. Heck, wanting to go back even in the best of circumstances is understandable.

Like I mentioned in your other post, some of what I hear you describing here is severe depression. Some more is grief, some more is trauma. And absolutely, it is hard as hell to live the way you're living right now: massive kudos for surviving so far. That's a serious achievement, truly.

I know that right now, while you're still so depressed, doing anything might be really hard to drum up the motivation for, but I wonder if you can't maybe at least start a list somewhere of some of the things you feel like you missed out on. It might actually be that either now or later, you can still do some of them, and even if some of those things are very small, making a practice of doing them for yourself when you can might help you out when you are feeling like this *and* give you a little motivation sometimes, which might be a way to just take care of yourself, period, you know?

How else can we help support you in this?

[miskosou]

i would love to try, but i just dont have the energy anymore.
And the most things ive missed out on are phones and social media, which im forbidden to use until im 18
the only thing bringing me a little joy is this tablet i took ,but ironically im just feeling more empty because ive missed so much, and since ive just goton social media again, it feels empty and lonely. Its a weird feeling

Also, i think I'm vaguely hearing things

[Heather]

Honestly, social media feels empty and lonely much of the time for a lot of folks, so it may or may not be about the time that's lapsed. But it may. It's so hard to say.

I understand about the lack of energy. Maybe put that idea in your pocket for some other time.

If you're hearing things, or think you might be, this is something you'll need to take to a mental healthcare professional about. It's important. Those hotlines I gave you in the other post are possible starting places, but here's another ask: do you go to school? I ask because it's entirely possible for you to stop by an NHS clinic on your own if you do (we can help you find one if you like) for a mental health referral.

(I'm heading out for the night right now, but will be back tomorrow, just FYI.)

[miskosou]

I do go to school yeah, though the referelsls theyve given me havent helped at all. I got referred to cahms for other stuff and also hearing things 2 years ago, it took me 1 year and a half to get an appointment and in the end they ruled out any chance i have of a mental illness and said i wasnt hearing things

i might be callig my gp tomorrow but ill back out probably
Also, i dont know if its classed as hearing things but what im hearing is my phone ringtone when its not going off, my cat meowing when im at school , thumps and footsteps, once i heard a really fcking creepy ice cream truck tune so vividly when i was going up my close stairs. I can hear scratches in the wall sometimes too.when im just sitting in my own silence i can always hear a low humming sound and sometimes like. High pitched screeching? But like not really, sorry i cant explain it. So idk if thats serious at all but the ice cream truck tune really freaked me out

Have a fun night out, see u tomorrow my g

[Heather]

I know the mental health referral system in the UK is a total slog. I can't imagine having to wait so long for an appointment only to have it end like that, and I can certainly imagine that after that kind of experience, one is certainly not exactly going to be chomping at the bit for another go, but it does sound like you would benefit from some GOOD mental healthcare.

Now, I emphasize the good there for a reason. I'd suggest seeing about going through some of the other avenues I suggested in your previous post, maybe especially that youth-centered service and see what they say. They might know some loopholes we don't, being local. As a youth-centered service, they also will treat you differently than you were treated in this previous experience.

I do think you should investigate this issue of hearing things. If the things you're hearing aren't actually there, that does suggest a problem, be that problem neurological, psychological, auditory or any combination of them.

[miskosou]

i dont know my local youth centres but we have a disused little area i guess but its not used for help so
I dont have the energy to look into the hearing stuff so i mean imma just like live with it lol
Ive been out of my bed like 4 times today and ive felt like crap each time like
Also, how would i go about to a gp for the whole severe depressio part bc surely it cant be that bad ooorrr

[miskosou]

Man sorry for being a nuisance

[Heather]

You're not a nuisance.

So, when I read posts like the first one you made here? To me, that's "that bad." Only being able to get out of bed for times a day? Definitely not optimal, and were it me, it's definitely not how I'd want to be living my life if I had the option to live it differently. (And I've been there. I've been there when I lost mobility and couldn't walk, and had to try a bunch of things to be able to walk again, some of which didn't work and then one which finally did, been there with trauma and grief and depression, too. I know just having an option doesn't make it easy or automatic.)

The youth-centered org and services I was mentioning that I'd linked in another post of yours was Youth Access: https://www.youthaccess.org.uk. Here's a link from them expressly to find a local service: https://www.youthaccess.org.uk/services ... al-service Can you put in a postal code and see what comes up? Let's just see, eh?

Let's set aside the GP for now and just try one thing at a time.

[miskosou]

I checked out that link and nothing came up, i live on an island so i assume thats why

I dont want to go to school tomorrow so tiring

[Mo]

They do have a page with some other resource directories if there's nothing specifically in your area, which you can find here. However, I know it can take a lot of energy to try and dig up resources. If you'd be comfortable leaving your town or postcode for us, we could try and see if we can find some local resources for you.

[miskosou]

Dont know if im comfortable, i live in a secluded ish place and it would be really quite easy to find me as me. Also dont want to risk my parents finding this if they look up our postcode or something

[Elise]

Hi there miskosou, we could help with options in a more confidential setting on our live chat service, which is 1:1. It's open at the following times:

Monday: 2-5PM PST (10PM Monday - 1AM Tuesday GMT)
Tuesday: 2-5PM PST (10PM Tuesday - 1AM Wednesday GMT)
Friday: 2-5PM PST (10PM Friday - 1AM Saturday GMT)
Sunday: 8-11AM PST (4PM - 7PM Sunday GMT)

If these don't work for you, let us know and we can work out a communication option that you feel comfortable with.

[miskosou]

Sorry lol is gmt like Uk time? If so i could do sunday

[Sofi]

Yep, it is! And that's great. Just log in on Sunday using the link Elise shared!