Scarleteen

Hello everyone, not really sure if this should go in the sex & sexuality category or the relationship category, but basically I am having a dilemma because I am pretty sure I'm demi but I'm desperate for someone to cuddle, kiss, and have sex with.

Necessary context: I'm a 20-year-old lesbian who has only ever been in one relationship. We were together for 3.5 years and she broke up with me in May (so 6 months ago now). Although the process was largely amicable, it was nevertheless not a mutual decision and thus it was extremely painful for me. I felt like I had completely lost all sense of identity for a couple of months afterward. Even my own speech patterns were grief-inducing because I have so many linguistic quirks that I picked up from her or that we created together and still both share. Now, I think I'm mostly over her, at least in the sense of the acute grief and pain. I still have dreams about her sometimes where our relationship status/feelings for each other are kind of ambiguous, but I have had enough experiences with dreaming about former crushes that I know the dreams are not a sign that I'm still in love with her but rather that I am still getting used to not being in love with her anymore. It's going to take a long time before not being in love with her feels normal and okay. We still text pretty often. We were best friends before we started dating and we both still want to be friends. We are not as close as we used to be, but I think I still need that for a while yet. It will probably be a long time before we can be besties again and I am totally fine with that. Even if it sucks because I've never felt as understood by and comfortable with another person as I do with her (but that's a whole other story). Anyway, pretty much the only thing that I'm still seriously missing/sad about is that I now don't have physical intimacy with anyone.

And I have utterly no clue how to figure out if I'm ready to seek that out, or what kinds of intimacy I want to seek and how to go about that.

See, I think I might be demisexual and/or demiromantic. Basically everyone I've ever had deep romantic feelings for was either already a friend or I was forming a friendship with them at the same time as I developed romantic feelings. My ex was the only person that I've ever been deeply sexually attracted to and seriously desired. I never really felt that identifying as demi was relevant to me before or during my relationship, but now, it feels important and also scary. I feel like everyone would judge me for the way my attraction works so I don't want to talk about it. I'm terrified that I'm doomed to only date my friends and have more painful breakups that not only end a romantic/sexual relationship but also mess with a platonic relationship maybe forever. I didn't struggle to accept myself when I figured out that I liked girls, but for months I have not been able to stop wishing that I wasn't demi.

From the age of like 11 I basically always had a big crush on someone, even though it was mostly unrequited and a bit painful (up until my ex of course). Maybe I'm just feeling weird and empty because for the first time in almost half my life, I am not in love with another person. Maybe I just wish that I could fall for someone and I'm just taking out my frustration on my demi-ness.

Now knowing how much I am struggling with this part of my identity, it probably doesn't come as a surprise that I'm having an obscenely difficult time trying to sort out what I actually want right now. All I know is that my body is yelling at me that I am touch-starved, that I want and need physical affection. Masturbation does nothing to lessen the dissatisfaction and frustration that I feel, and yet there is absolutely no one that I would want to do sexual things with at the moment. When I think about actually having sex with another person, it's very abstract.

Apologies for the utter wall of text. Now it's time for the questions. If anyone has advice, feel free to chime in. Don't be shy; I really want to gather as many perspectives as I can!

1) I know that, post-breakup, I need to rebuild a healthy identity that is not contingent on my relationships to specific people. I've been working on that. Part of that is definitely working on accepting being demi, because my lack of acceptance is interfering with my ability to know what I want. However, I don't know that I can fully rebuild my identity without knowing what I want, you know? So basically, how do I figure out what I want and like while still being confused and struggling with self-acceptance?
2) How do I know if I actually want physical intimacy with another person or if I'm just physically wanting things that would not be good for me emotionally? Like I said, romancing myself is incredibly unsatisfying but I do not want to engage in any sort of tea for two if it would hurt anyone's feelings or just generally feel gross/bad :/
3) Demi people, what's your experience with casual dating? I am very curious but also overwhelmed/confused. How have you figured out what you like?
4) Is it okay to involve others in my process of self-discovery with their informed consent? Like if I were to embark on a casual date with another person and be very upfront about my goals and intentions, I think I would still feel like I was using them and would feel bad about it.
5) How does a shy, introverted lesbian who hates crowds and loud noises and alcohol go about finding a community of fellow gays?? Were I to come to the conclusion that I want to have a casual date, there is no way I'm doing it with someone at my college given that it's tiny and the prevailing wisdom is that students should not date each other (some of the newbies who became adults on Zoom are doing it and I'm cringeing at the inevitable impending drama). I live in a big city which is both a pro and a con in this situation.

Idk I think the bottom line is that I kinda just want a friend that I can cuddle, make out with, and perhaps eventually have sex with. I know I'm not yet emotionally available enough or solid enough in my identity for a serious romantic relationship, but I can't keep ignoring my physical desires--which are also inherently emotional desires. I just have no idea how to proceed.

Again, sorry for writing so much?? It's been a lifelong habit and I don't think I will ever learn how to be brief. To anyone who reads this and responds, I thank you sincerely for your service.

Hey Fiona!

I want to say first that you never need to apologize! You can never write too much. I’m going to respond to the questions that I think I can answer best and have others respond to the rest.

For the first question about figuring out what you want and self-acceptance: ultimately, I think that not knowing what you want doesn’t have to interfere with your self-acceptance. I know that it can be hard to rebuild an identity, especially after a tough breakup, but sometimes accepting the fact that you don’t know what you want can be helpful. Instead of trying to force yourself to figure out what you want, accepting the fact that you DON’T know what you want at the moment can be just as good. I wouldn’t push yourself to figure out what you want.
The only way you’ll determine exactly what you want is by trying new things and seeing what feels right to you. It might be uncomfortable sometimes, but only you can know what feels right.

For the second question about physical intimacy: this one really depends on what you’re comfortable with. Being single after a relationship can be a big change, especially in terms of physical intimacy. If you were to engage in some form of intimacy with someone new, it sounds like being upfront and honest about what you want from them would be the best. Could you elaborate a bit more on what you mean when you say you wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or feel gross/bad?

For the fourth question about involving other people in your self-discovery: if you are upfront about your intentions and the other person understands and agrees, it is absolutely okay to try something like going on a date with another person, even if it’s just to figure out what you want. In fact, I think this would be a very helpful way to figure out what you like or want, and what you feel comfortable with.

Hope this helped a bit!