Scarleteen

In the following post I am both seeking advice and getting off my chest information I've never disclosed to anyone. I really feel a need to release what I've kept secret for years, so I'd appreciate you (the reader) quickly reading my story as well as answering my question. Also having the background info might be helpful in answering the question. tysm for this, and all the work you do!

I (male, 14 years old) think my interest in BDSM began at 8 (which seems to be the magic age, I've seen a bunch of other people on message boards saying it started at 8 lol). In Year 3 (7-8 years old) I had weird thoughts about their being a magical system forcing all members of my class to obey our teacher. In Year 4 (8-9 years old) sometimes in the middle of lessons i'd try to tie myself to my chair with my clothing. I didn't/don't know why I want/wanted that, I just did.

Fast forward to Year 7 (11-12 years old), my feelings have been growing over the last few years, and I am now having my first BDSM fantasy. I was 12, so it wasn't actually at all sexual, but I'm in an alternate world, am legally owned slave of some rich guy, bunch of chains and cages involved. At this point I was confused - why the fuck is this something I'm thinking about and wishing is reality? I reason with myself that the chances of me being the only person in the entire world feeling this are really low, weird a desire as it was, so I googled 'I want to be a slave' in incognito. Note that I'd had zero outside influence up to this point, all my fantasies and desires were not not caused by anything outside my own mind. I found it confusing at first, but I began to understand, mainly from looking at articles on the subject by experts, and Quora posts by full time slaves talking about the lifestyle, and what it's like. Reading these gave me a giant erection. Thus, innocent research in an attempt to understand what I was feeling slowly transitioned to written erotica.

I initially looked at whatever google could find me, then found a site called BDSM Library which contained a limited supply of stories. After reading all the stories there which I found enjoyable I moved to Literotica, and became slightly addicted to it. I'm not addicted now, I forced myself to stop because reading that stuff as a child could be bad, though I do occasionally when I really need some relief from my desires. I tried Pornhub once briefly and got a boner out of it (I've never successfully orgasmed no matter how hard I try), but I have a friend struggling with a porn addiction and I don't want that to happen to me. I bought a collar and leash from a pet shop.. Using these caused my penis to grow bigger than it's ever been before and made me feel fantastic, but doing it multiple times was less exciting each time and eventually just made me sad there was nobody holding the other end. I'm now 14 and in Year 9 (13 to 14 years old). Recently I've had some fantasies about being dominant. It's not as strong a pull as my submissive desires but it's still significant. That brings you fully up to speed:

Erotica doesn't really help anymore, it just increases my desire really. I don't just want to read sensual stories about BDSM, I want to do it. I know it's not supposed to be healthy at this age but I feel desperately in need of an outlet. But how could I possibly do that? I go to an all-boys school so my interaction with girls is next to nothing. If I find a way to do that, I then need to get a girlfriend (i.e. we'd both need to like each other)...who would need to be interesting in domination! And how the hell do you bring that up at 14? There's definitely girls my age out there who fit all that criteria, but finding them is an entirely different fricking matter. I wish my school was co-ed, that'd solve half the problem. What do I do?

Honestly I might as well include this here: I can't cum. What should make me cum just results in huge boners. Wanking maintains the boner at best. I've felt sensations in my penis, but they're far more frustrating than pleasurable, kind of there, but not quite there. In other words, the closest I can get to orgasm is accidently edging myself. Is there anything I can do?

Hey Sam526687 -- I'm so glad to know that you feel comfortable sharing all of this with us here at Scarleteen. I totally understand having a sexual interest you want to explore and not having a lot of outlets in your life for it. Can you say more about what you mean when you say that you know "it's not supposed to be healthy" at your age? What/who makes you feel like exploring this side of your sexuality is not healthy? Is that what you think, or is that what you hear others say?

As for dating someone who is also interested in BDSM, that may take some time. I believe a lot of online and in-person kink spaces or dating apps are restricted by age. I also don't think that I personally can be helpful on where to meet girls your age in your area specifically. Are there any non-school co-ed activities you like? Or perhaps there's a place in your area where a lot of young people hang out? Perhaps you have a friend or two that goes to a co-ed school? Does any of this click with you?

Also, it looks like you've written in about not being able to cum from masturbation before; I'm sorry to hear that this is still something you're worried about. Sam suggested you take a look at Going Solo - did you end up trying anything you read in that resource? This is a bit difficult to advise on because what feels good varies so much from person to person. What may feel good for you be totally different from another friend with a penis. I think the best thing you can do is just continue to explore and find what works for you, and do your best to let go of your assumptions of what you're "supposed" to find pleasurable. I also want to note that sometimes anxiety or frustration can put us in a mental space that may make it more difficult to orgasm. Do you think about being frustrated while you're trying to masturbate or before, or just afterward when you can't orgasm?

Hi! I only felt comfortable saying all that stuff because I'm more or less anonymous here. "not being healthy" is what people say online, to be in that kind of relationship at a young age. Your advice in the second paragraph was pretty helpful, thanks! Honestly I think the reason I can't cum is that I'm not biologically ready yet. I have less body hair then my friends and a lot of people in my year, so I think I'm probably just a bit behind on puberty and at some point or another I'll catch up. I do get anxious about school shit pretty easily though, so that probably doesn't help. I do horse-riding, and my balls get bashed around bit then. It's not too bad but enough to make them ache when I ride. And as I write this, I'm discovering that thinking about it makes them ache, so it's bad enough that it's created an association trigger. This makes me a bit scared that I'm damaging my balls when I ride. Of all possible causes I really hope that's not it, since it potentially means permanent impotence???? I don't feel super frustrated about it though. Maybe I can cum, I just need to be more adventurous with masturbation, search further for what will click with me.

Hi Sam526687,

Yep, at your age it's not super unusual to not have ejaculated before. On the horse riding, have you spoken to anyone about how to make sure you're not damaging anything? I don't know huge amounts about horse riding, but things like the right underwear and sitting position may help.