reliving old problems

[ceciliaxe]

hello again! this place is so supportive, so i thought id try again with a newer problem?
so aaa i mentioned in my old post about a boyfriend issue which i now know is sexual assault and realising it is really bringing up an old incident and i dont know how to cope,, (( its 3am and i cant stop thinking about it,,

um i basically i got abused badly by my older step brother a year or so ago and it was like um also the same ish as my boyfriends stuff but a lot worse and I guess but the reason im upset a lot more is because i thought i would never have to be in this situation again and having to idk like ,,aa realive it all over again ???
i have a therapist that i got from the incident and i will mention it to her, i just didnt think it would hurt this much to remember it all again but i dont know if talking about what happened would help more or if like aa not talking is better,, im so sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable

i just cant stop thinking about and it feels like its going to burst out of my chest if i dont like do something
though i want to say thank you to peoples who helped me with my last post!! its okay if you cant help with this one too )!!

[Sam W]

Hi ceciliaxe,

I'm glad you feel safe and supported posting here!

Those feelings you're describing make a lot of sense, and I'm so sorry that your step brother made that choice to hurt you. One thing that can happen is, if one abusive person tries to groom us into seeing certain behaviors as normal or okay, it can leave us vulnerable to those same behaviors in other relationships because it's harder to spot them for the red flags they are. So it's absolutely okay if you're feeling frustrated or angry as you realize that your boyfriend wasn't the only person to treat you this way.

Is your older step brother still someone you see often or who lives with you? And have you told anyone about what he did?

I'm glad to hear you have a therapist, and that you'll be bringing all this up with them, since you deserve all the support you can get. You mention that, in the meantime, you feel like you're about to burst from the emotions this is bringing up. Do you have things you like to do that can be cathartic for you and help you release some of that tension and emotion? That could be things like intense exercise or dance, making art or singing, journaling, or something else entirely.

[ceciliaxe]

i see my step brother almost everyday, only because its taking awhile to move into my bio dads house away from where i am currently am

my house is big enough that i just avoid him in the other side of the house,, and i told my biological dad about it and he got me the therapist and started making arrangements for me to leave the house and move in with him,
i think like my mum was aware of it but didnt want to admit it and ive been spending more nights with my bio dad until its like official bcos i dont know how like custody stuffs work I guess ??

im not sure what i can do, to like stop the feeling of everything wanting to burst, i dont know if i want to cry or something but i really hope my therapist can help but in the mean time im not really sure,
i cant stop thinking about both events and it makes me feel dirty aa idk if that makes sense im so sorry

[Sam W]

I'm glad your dad is taking this seriously and taking the steps to get you out of there as soon as possible. You and he may also want to look into the laws about what age a child starts having the ability to choose which parent to stay with; it may be that you're old enough to have a say in this, and could expedite the process yourself by explaining to whoever drew up the custody agreement that you're not safe in your moms house (that's assuming there's a formal one and not just an informal agreement between your parents).

It sounds like you're taking a lot of steps to protect yourself, which is good (even if it's decidedly unfair that you can't feel safe at home). Do you have the ability to lock the door where you sleep? And have you worked out ways to make sure you and your step brother are never alone in the house together?

You're processing a lot of trauma right now, so it's okay if you feel like crying. Heck, sometimes it helps to cry just to relieve some of those emotions. I do want to emphasize that you're not dirty or bad for what happened or for having those events replaying in your mind. Would it be helpful for us to give you some resources designed to help survivors who are having trouble keeping the assaults from replaying in their minds?

[ceciliaxe]

i didnt used to have the ability to lock my door, and he knew and took advantage of it so my dad installed 3 locks and 1 pin code one on my door, and we change the pin often so theres no way he can get in which makes me feel a bit safer but my heart always does like swirls or like idk aa like goes cold when i see him,,
there is also a cctv (i think is that what they are called) in the hallway where my room is and m not sure how it works but my dad says it will help ,,


my step brother goes out to work every day, so its usually just me in the house and we have a very very lovely housekeeper that my dad hired so im not like left in the house alone because my dad says thats eqully unsafe
but when he comes home i have to stay near the housekeeper lady if i leave my room, which makes me feel a little controlled but im understand its for my safety and wont happen when i live with my dad but it makes it hard to breath sometimss if that makes sense aaa

please it would be lovely if you could offer some links to help, that would really really help if thats okay with you?

[Sam W]

Those are some serious safety protocols, and I'm glad they're in place. Do you have a sense of how soon you'll be able to get out of the house permanently?

All those emotions you're describing make total sense; feeling unsafe or limited in your home, and having those intense fear reactions to someone who hurt you sounds incredibly frustrating and scary. I'm going to give you a few different links focusing on how to ground yourself or help yourself when it feels like the memories of the assaults won't stop:
https://www.kch.nhs.uk/Doc/pl%20-%20819 ... ssault.pdf, https://www.newharbinger.com/9781626253 ... een-girls/ (this is a book, but you may be able to find it for fairly cheap), https://socialsciences.exeter.ac.uk/med ... ct2014.pdf.

[ceciliaxe]

maybe a month or two until it all goes through i think? thanks so much for the links sam w !!! ill definitely take a look at those thank you for all your help!!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome! And I would definitely talk to your dad to see if the two of you can use the fact you're in not just an unwanted, but unsafe, living space to expedite the process. Custody agreements can be tricky, but in most cases their are ways to get young people out of unsafe situations sooner rather than later.