Can you heal/rebuild with the person who abused you?

[Lovenliv]

I know to some shoving & close to throwing a hit may not count as abuse.. but that’s how it felt. I’m not necessarily asking about that tho..

Have you ever successfully healed & moved forward with the same person who abused you?

Is it possible to move forward from crossing that point of disrespect in a relationship?

If so, how did you do it?

[Latha]

Hi there, Lovenliv — welcome to the boards!

Some people may not count these things as abuse, but we are not them. This sort of physical violence and intimidation can definitely be considered abusive, so I’m glad you are prioritising how you felt to understand what happened.

I can’t speak to your question personally, but I can say that this kind of treatment is a serious breach of the trust and respect that is expected in any relationship. Many people find that they can’t move forward with a partner who has any notable pattern of acting in this way, even when they change. To the extent that it is possible, you generally can’t start to rebuild with the same degree of intimacy or the same expectations that existed in the relationship previously, and you might need help from outside the relationship (such as counselling for both of you).

Would you like to talk a bit more about this relationship? What happened, and what makes you consider staying with this person?

[Lovenliv]

I appreciate it.. we have 1 son together & we’ve never experienced something like this before.

It’s been almost a week & no contact, we’re suppose to have our first counseling tomorrow. I think I just don’t know how to rebuild.. how to start over.

But I’m guessing & hoping that’s something the therapist/councilor can help with.

[Heather]

I’m so sorry that your partner did this.

Can I ask if there has ever been any other kind of abuse or control before, like emotional abuse — namecalling, gaslighting, isolating you from other people — financial abuse, or sexual abuse?

[maille]

Welcome to the boards, Lovenliv!

I am so sorry you have experienced this. Like Heather said, we classify any sort of physical violence and intimidation as abuse. It may feel like a loaded term, but one that you are totally allowed to use here. It can be very hard to proceed in a relationship when the other person has made you feel unsafe. Does this person feel safe to you? I am glad you are making steps in the direction towards healing, like going to counseling. Feel free to let us know how that goes if you would like to. I wonder if having someone in your corner, not a couples counselor, but rather one whose sole focus could be on you, would be helpful.