Scarleteen

Hi! My boyfriend has fingered me a handful of times now, and while I really enjoy the actual penetration aspect of it, every time he rubs my clitoris I feel like it’s too sensitive. I haven’t orgasmed and every time he does rub my clitoris I ask him to alternate between doing that and penetrating me manually. The other day I tried having him rub my clitoris very, very gently, and while that did feel better, I eventually had to have him stop because it felt too overwhelming. In a way, it’s felt so good that it’s been painful? I can’t handle him touching my clitoris for too long at one time. I think that I’ve been close to orgasming, but I’m really not sure if I have yet. I’ve had my legs spasm and I’ve felt a tingling in my vagina while he’s touched me, but I haven’t felt a true “release.”

I have never masturbated on my own before and he is the first person to finger me. I’ve never particularly had an interest in masturbating, but it makes me feel bad because I feel like I can’t really help my boyfriend out. He will readily and happily take any suggestion or request I have when it comes to this activity and all he wants is for me to enjoy it. I do feel pleasure from being fingered, but I also really want to orgasm and know what makes me orgasm.

Hi foottaps,

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are doing a great job communicating about all this when you're together, which is awesome!

While some folks find they really enjoy clitoral stimulation, others find it's too intense or painful, or that they can only enjoy it for short stretches before it gets overwhelming. So, you're far from the first person to be in this situation. I do want to say that, while many people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, there are some who find they can orgasm without it (often using G-Spot stimulation, which is technically stimulating the internal part of the clitoris but doesn't always get talked about that way). So if you want to experience orgasm, having an extra-sensitive clitoris doesn't automatically take that off the table. Too, as you're already discovering, sex can be lots of fun even without an orgasm.

There may also be options of clitoral stimulation that are less intense that would feel good to you. Would you prefer to talk about options, like masturbation, that help you explore some of this on your own? Or would you rather have this be something you and your boyfriend explore together?

Hi, thanks so much for your reply! I have seen that it's possible to orgasm from an internal clitoral stimulation/penetration, and I've wondered if that's what my body prefers since I do feel a lot of pleasure from manual penetration. The only thing is is that the only times I've felt like I could be close to orgasming have been from clitoral stimulation. It's been overwhelming each time but simultaneously it feels like it's bringing me close, which is why it's so confusing (it feels so good that it doesn't feel good). I haven't had that same feeling from being fingered, just a more consistent pleasure (which I know is still good! And an important part of sex, I'm really glad that I can enjoy that so much especially since my boyfriend really enjoys doing that for me).

I definitely have more to learn about myself, I've only just started having sex, I'm just impatient lol. I would absolutely be interested in exploring options for clitoral stimulation and also maybe suggestions for climaxing from having my G-Spot stimulated. I want to learn about myself and what really "does" it for me! I'm not opposed to masturbation, but again, it's never really been something I've desired too much (and funnily enough, when I have tried it, manually penetrating myself has never done a thing for me). I think that I would prefer exploring it with my boyfriend both because I generally prefer experiencing these things with him and I think it will just strengthen our open line of communication.

You're very welcome!

With the clitoral stimulation feeling good and then suddenly feeling not good, have you noticed that tends to align with other bodily reactions like your legs spasming?

So, there are a few different things you could explore with your boyfriend. When it comes to clitoral stimulation, you could try rubbing against something like a pillow (or sex toys that are designed for that kind of action), or have you or your boyfriend touch your clitoris through a layer of clothing, like your underwear. Those options can allow for a lot of pressure on the clitoris without tipping it into too-sensitive territory.

When it comes to the G-Spot, the two of you could use the good communication you've built up to have him work out what kinds of movement and touch work best for you. You can also look into sex toys that are designed specifically for G-spot stimulation to see if there are any that look promising.

So, to answer your first question: yes and no? When I do get leg spasms or my muscles clench, etc. it is directly after my clitoris has been touched, but at the same time, it’s not like my clitoris feels ok to touch up until a certain point. It feels really random and sometimes it is immediately too sensitive, which is why I’ve had a hard time knowing if I’ve orgasmed or not. I guess that it’s possible that I’ve had. The most intense “session” was when I had my boyfriend alternative from fingering me to stimulating my clit, and as we progressed my legs would shake more and I would involuntarily clench more. But it wasn’t like there was one moment where I suddenly needed him to start penetrating me instead; it all felt unclear and like I was building to something I couldn’t reach. I think eventually I just had him start to just penetrate me, and as I said before, I love the feeling of that, but it hasn’t made me feel close to orgasming.

I like the suggestion of having him rub me through my underwear. We did something like that once a while back because I was on my period at the time, and I remember it feeling pretty good. With my G-Spot, I think I’m starting to learn a lot more about that. I’ve learned what I like him to do with his fingers when inside and how he should curl them/where he should be hitting. He’s learned how to make that feel very good for me, I just wish that I could feel close to orgasming from that (it’s also possible we just haven’t done it for long enough at one time).

With sex toys, it’s something I’ve had in the back of my mind, but definitely something that would require a conversation with my boyfriend. I don’t think he’s against them, but we’ve both never used one in any way and I think they can seem scary at first. There’s definitely a stigma around people with vaginas masturbating/using stuff to masturbate, and it’s something I need to get more comfortable with myself. I think that if I decide to explore that option, I’ll need to talk to my boyfriend about how it’s not in any way his fault that I haven’t orgasmed, it’s just a matter of what my own body requires. He tends to
feel bad about not getting me to finish, but I always communicate with him that I still enjoyed the experience and he still made me feel good, so I’m happy.

Will definitely try keeping my underwear on to have a layer over my clitoris, and I’ll do some thinking about integrating sex toys. Thank you!

Got it, that detail is helpful! I was trying to work out if part of what was causing the over-sensitivity was actually an orgasm that was mild enough to not be immediately obvious, but that doesn't sound like it's the case.

And you're very welcome! If you need help with those conversations about sex, or even just getting comfortable using them yourself, that's absolutely something we can help with as well.

Hi!! I was wondering if whoever wrote this found something that worked that allowed them to orgasm without feeling like clit stimulation was too much to handle. Thanks!

Hi there jadedoor08, and welcome to Scarleteen. We're happy to chat with you about this, everyone is different so what might work for one person might not be exactly what another needs.

Have you tried indirect stimulation (essentially having something between the clit and stimulation that diffuses the pressure/friction/vibration) before? With or without a partner, this can include "grinding" (with a partner partially clothed or not), or an object like a pillow (some people also put a vibrator under the pillow), or stimulation of the area with hands but through underwear and/or applying pressure more generally on the area or on the area around the vulva, instead of right on the clitoris. You may also find that using lube when masturbating (not just with a partner) could help reduce uncomfortable friction (just ensure to use water based lube with any silicone sex toys).

You might also find it useful to read about the sexual response cycle and how important the brain and feeling aroused are important to feeling physical pleasure. Below are some links you can read to explore that.

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

If you have any questions, observations or curiosities you feel comfortable sharing after reading this, please feel free to share them with us here.

Dear foottaps,
I cannot thank you enough for making this post two years ago. Idk if you are even still a user here, but I just...I need to thank you. You are the only person I have come across in 6 months of desperate searching for a story like mine. Like down to the having been uninterested in masterbation, not feeling helpful, just everything. I'm like actually crying typing this lol. It just finally has made me feel seen and not alone, I'm not crazy. I'm not broken.

So I just wanted to express my immense gratitude for your bravery to share your story because you've made this internet stranger feel uniquely seen.

I hope your journey went well since you made this post <3<3<3