Cant get out of this friendship, dont know if i even want to

[miskosou]

Hello. Imma just call this boy Owen becos its close to his name but not identifiable
Lilys name is also changed

Owen came to my primary school around P5 (9-10 years old) and it was bad right off the bat. He bullied me about my weight for like a year straight which was one of the main contenders for my ongoing ED. Non stop snides and remarks and jabs at me. Called me sht like a hungry hungry hippo and a fat oaf. Ruined me.

Though after a year, P6 (10-11 years old) he stopped and cant remember how but we became 'friends'. Though i wouldnt call it friends because all he did for the next 3 ish years was tell me he was going to commit sewerslide genuinely every single night, and every single time i would have to talk him out of it. It was exhausting and he would just come into school the next day fine. He did this with multiple girls. I genuinely feared he would die because hes got mento issues and has committed attempts before. He also sent me photos of his rib and said he wasnt eating. He says hes sorry for the bullying though whenever i brig it up he just gets annoyed and tells me it was ages ago.

In between those 3 yrs like around 12 years old (I would have been an S1 in secondary by then) he asked me for nudes and we exchanged. Felt it was normal cos of my groomed history (another post) later he remarked that "top photos were good but your bottom half? Needed improvement, meh". He would put his hand on my thigh in class and smile at me. He eventually stopped with the baiting after i got so mad at him and stopped talking to him. He begged to be friends again and i gave in but did stop. It was a love hate relationship until only recently lol.

Anyways, after the 3 yrs of baiting i was around 14 id say and an s2/s3. He was always like with loads of girls and fighting w them but we always stuck together as friends and idk i think this is when i developed my ' be the only one who sticks by him through it all' mentality. Eventually he turned more sexual w me and we kissed n like made out a few times. He encouraged me to give him a hj and touched my top half but i dont think i was really into it. Just excited that this was my first real experience. He then tried to coearce me into giving him a bj, would not stop. Felt so uncomfy but he gave up. He said to me he would give everything up for me, but i said no because i was going to date a girl in a few months (had to wait till she was 15) and felt it would screw everythig up. Owen has a girlfriend, lily. Theyve been on and off ever since secondary. Owem treats lily like sh.t, gaslights her and guilt trips her. It hurts to see lily go through this. She doesnt deserve this and she always goes back to him (like me).

Though, consistently whenever those two break up or fight , owen comes to me and asks to hang out again, talk more, late night gaming but the second they grt back together im on the backburn. And i like it? Not really. But it makes something inside me estatic that im the one who he turns to.

Recently, owen stepped a line and seriously hurt lilys feelings and mental stability. I felt disgusted at him, angry and just mortified he would say the things he did. I talked to lily all through english after it and she was genuinely so so upset. We talked about our frustration over how sh.tty he treats women and she talkes about how shes finally done with him (she got back with him that night) amd i said how difficult it is to stop being friemds with him. She suggested to say "i dont like how you treat lily, im not continuing our friendship' along those lines. I agreed, and said i absolutely would. On the bus home, he called me to his seat and asked to hang out on sat. I thought about what lily said and tried to say it.

But i couldnt. I literally couldn't. I said a different excuse to why i couldnt hang out and left. I couldnt bear saying it to him amd making him feel bad, upset or start a fight between us. I couldnt risk our friendship by saying something like that when i knew i would just go back to being his friend.

Every time he says "you and lily are the only ones a truly trust" just makes me feel special. Im always there to check if hes okay and he says he likes our friendship. Also, one time they were on a break and lily later said to me that owen was flirting with me hard. I cannot tell what flirting is so im oblivious. I thouht it was normal friendship stuff. He was like pretending to steal my books and laughing and joking that kind of stuff. Though ive noticed he really is flirting with me half the time.sometimes he smacks my ass with like a book or a laptop and stuff like that.

I dont know why im so emotionally attached to him. My friends say hes a dick and toxic af and i recognise that but i just cant stop being friends with him. I also like him more than a friend and hes known that for months by now. I just cant muster uo the courage to stop our friendship because i like it way too much. Im stubborn as fvck so trying to get me out of this friendship just wont work. I only want to see if anyone has any theories as to why im so attached to him. Literally cant break it off.

If you cant help i completely understand. Needed to get this off my chest.

[Carly]

Hi miskosou -- I'm glad that you had a space to write all that down, I imagine feeling all of these conflicting emotions in this situation is really hard for you. We'll do out best to help you sort how you feel out, and hopefully that will help you figure out how you want to go about this situation going forward.

I want you to know first that I totally understand where you're coming from here - you're able to see Owen's more toxic flaws, be annoyed by the way he treats his girlfriend and you... but still want to be there for him because you enjoy the attention and even have some more-than-a-friend feelings for him. As an outsider looking in at what you've said, being friends with Owen sounds draining on you. It sounds like he doesn't treat even the people he trusts the most in his life very well - I think wanting to stand by him still feels like a natural urge when you care about someone, but throughout this narrative there are so many instances of him making you feel badly about yourself or uncomfortable. I think it would be in your best interest to distance yourself and set some serious boundaries, even if it's temporary. I see that you posted on here recently about feeling very depressed, and I'm wondering if breaking off from a complicated relationship like this might help, or at least give you some time to work on feeling better. Have you ever done something like that before?

And, I actually don't think you need to hear many theories about your behavior -- it sounds like you already know why you do this. You really enjoy the attention Owen gives you. Do you have many other close friendships or relationships with people in your life? Do you feel like you get attention that makes you feel good from other people? If not, I imagine your connection to Owen feels very precious. Do you feel like Owen makes your life easier or more difficult?

Does anything that I've said here resonate with you?