I don't know where to turn :/

[ChaiStitch]

Hi :) I'm Chai, a trans androgyne person (afab, They/It) that is also using the fluidflux label. I'm not out to my family and I need advice with finding and reaching out to a doctor or similar professional in terms of my gender, preferably without my parents knowing. This is going to be terribly long, so sorry in advance. I physically do not have anywhere else to go. (For ref, neither parent is supportive, and those are the two adults I have in my life. It's complicated.). I appreciate advice from anyone, and I'll put a TLDR at the bottom if that's easier. [CW for religion (pos + neg), homo/transphobia, health stuff, my therapists being sucky, past weight loss due to not eating because of anxiety pain, dysphoria and me having a mental breakdown twice a week.]

I came out to my parents as bisexual a few years ago, and it went horribly. Honestly, I regret it. We're Christian as well as missionaries in a very homophobic country. Most days (when I'm not having a breakdown), I truly don't see how God could fault someone for a non-controllable, pure thing such as love, but that's a whole other topic. I'm not allowed to be out because of everyone we know being religious and usually very conservative. I think I finally figured out my sexuality (omniromantic and aegosexual/ace fit much better) but gender roundhouse kicked me in the face.

My dearest friend 'M' is a trans boy my age. I love him more than life itself and he has been one of, if not the only person that's truly hyping me up and supporting me. (The day I cut my hair short he complimented me so much I cried. He's amazing.) He even helped me work up the courage to buy a binder. (I told my mom it was supposedly good for back pain due to a large chest. I think she believed me.) But even though I've been flip-flopping about my gender, I just recently started to question harder. I don't actually know M irl, he's a mutual friend. We've grown pretty close, and when I sent him a birthday gift last month, he sent a video of him opening it so I could see. I'd seen pictures but we'd never actually voice-talked before. When I saw and heard him in the video, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to be *that*.
The thing that's eating me up, though, is that I can't.

I won't bore you with the lengthy stories, but both parents are kinda insensitive and make comments that just. Aren't supportive in any way, shape, or form. It's worsening the fear of coming out. But I can't stay like this. It's tearing me up emotionally. I was unfortunately given a very large chest, and a body full of health issues that only make things harder. I have no clue where to find someone who can help me through the dysphoria, or convince my parents to let me do something. My body seems hell-bent on keeping me from being comfortable in it. I have a rare connective tissue disorder that messes with EVERYTHING, including scars and internal tissues. (Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) A scar from years ago still has no feeling, even though the nerves should be healed by now. My doctor doesn't want to refer me to a chest reduction service because she's (understandably, thanks to genetics) afraid my chest might grow more. Even if I got the reduction, I don't know how the EDs will affect the scarring and nerves. The sensation I get whenever I touch my other scar is very uncomfortable because I can't feel through the skin, but I can feel the pressure. Between medicating the EDs and my numerous other issues, it's near impossible for me to lose weight. The last time I lost even a little bit, it was because I was so anxious I gave myself ulcers and couldn't eat more than one small snack a day for a *year*.

I also just learned about micro-dosing T and it was a breath of fresh air. I could get the body I need. It was one of the happiest moments I've had in months. But even if, by some miraculous divine intervention, I convinced my parents to let me, I can't do topical creams or patches (thanks again to my EDs) and my phobia of needles is AWFUL. I'll save you the long explanation, but just know that I. Can't. Do. Needles.

I guess my main concerns are who I can talk to, and what I can do in the meantime. I desperately need support. My relationship with therapy isn't great, especially the most recent ones. My therapist that I had in America before I moved was openly homophobic and made fun of Pride at the beginning of the session I was planning on coming out to her in, and and the online therapist did exactly what I asked her not to do, and also couldn't seem to string a full sentence together. If you know any good sites or programs that aren't teentherapy, please tell me.

TLDR: I don't know if or how I can reach out to a doctor online, or even a support group. I don't know where to start. I honestly just need an adult to point me in the right direction, because at the moment I'm just a teen flailing around wildly on the internet and I don't want to end up somewhere I don't want to be. I could use advice on staving off dysphoric breakdowns, and, if you've got it, advice for transitioning with my issues or talking to my family. Realistically, they won't support me. They won't use different pronouns and they won't ever call me anything but their daughter. They likely won't let me transition. I don't know. But I don't know how many more nights of crying and general dislike of my body I can take before I start to mentally lose it. Any help would be greatly appreciated. This was a lot to unpack, I'm sorry. I'm just lost.

[Sam W]

Hi ChaiStitch,

I want to start by saying I'm so sorry that your family is so unsupportive and that you're in an environment where there isn't much, if any, room to safely grow into your gender identity. You deserve as much support as you can get (M sounds like a wonderful friend), and you'll certainly get plenty here, so let's see if we can help you find even more.

With both therapy and those concerns about T and physical transition, can you start by giving me a sense of what your access to healthcare is generally like? Do you have insurance, or access to public resources like clinics? Do you have money of your own from an allowance or job that you can squirrel away to pay for things without your parents knowing?

Too, if you know your parents will not let you transition, then one thing we could talk about is how to make a plan for getting through the next few years until you're legally an adult, and a plan for how to get to a place in life where you can physically transition.

Since M is so supportive, have you ever asked him if there are communities he recommends for trans folks, or ones that have helped him in the past? We can also help you find some, although technically you already have since our boards have lots of trans and non-binary users (and volunteers). I suspect the more you're able to carve out spaces where you do feel supported and affirmed in your identity will help stave off some of the dysphoria and general crumminess that comes with your living situation.

As for some other ways to stave off dysphoria, if you haven't already checked out this article, there might be some options in it that you can use without tipping your family off to what's going on: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear. Are there things in there you think you could try?