Scarleteen

For those of you that have experienced abuse in the past and are processing your experiences in those past relationships, what patterns have you noticed in those relationships that you now can identify as unsafe? This thread is intended to be a space where you can share your process about seeing those patterns, identifying them in interactions you've had in your day-to-day life, and what raises red flags for you. Identifying abusive patterns and how they manifest in everyday interactions, and what your protective mechanisms have been to keep yourself safe is an important step in healing, as is excavating for yourself what safety looks like now.

How does the process of identifying those patterns support your growth?

Who or what has supported you in identifying those patterns?

The number one lesson I have learned about how to keep myself safe is to trust my gut feelings. Sometimes I have a gut feeling that someone is dangerous. I never regret paying attention to it. It is better to be safe than to be abused. An important thing to note is that our gut feelings are often linked to the inner child. Children instinctively know who is kind and who is not. Trust the inner child when they try to protect you.
Safety looks like not having bruises on your body that you have to lie about. Safety looks like being able to sleep a whole night. Safety is knowing that those you love will never intentionally hurt you.

In my relationship with my abuser, he had total domination. He brainwashed me. These are both common in abusive relationships.

My therapist has been so supportive. I am thankful that services are available to help me heal. Seeing how the abuse patterns have changed me helps me make changes.

Hi Brave1,

I'm really happy you've been able to identify trends in your life and you're starting to be able to articulate what safety looks like for you. That's a super-important step towards recovery. I'm also glad you've been able to get some external support in the form of therapy. It's really important to have that space, and to have someone helping you through it.

Trusting your gut feelings and getting in touch with them, and not letting socialization get in the way is really important too. If you haven't already heard of The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker, that would be an additional resource I'd recommend to you in learning to identify gut feelings and trust them.